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As Promised, The Doom Of Jose Canseco


Let Us Prepare For Jose Canseco’s Doom By Viewing His Opponent In A Disarming Manner

In just a little over four hours from now, the DREAM MMA group in Japan will present DREAM 9, featuring the continuation of its featherweight grand prix tournament and, more notably stateside, the first round of its Super Hulk Tournament, an eight-man single-elimination freak show tournament featuring multiple 300+ pound fighters, a 7’2 kickboxer, and most importantly, for our purposes, disgraced MLB slugger Jose Canseco.

The first round draw will include fights between 320-pound Bob Sapp and 196-pound Ikuhisa Minowa, 286-pound Mark Hunt and 218 Gegard Mousasi, 353-pound Jan Nortje and 225-pound Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, and, the aforementioned 7’2 kickboxer, 330-pound Hong Man Choi and Canseco, who weighed in at 253.5 pounds.

Yes, despite his extremely limited experience in combat sports, and the experience he’s had has not been particularly encouraging — he fought to a majority draw with 5’6, 165-pound Danny Bonaduce in a celebrity boxing match and prior to that was KTFO’d by 5’9, 205 pound ex-Eagles kick returner Vai Sikahema — Canseco has decided to try his hand at mixed martial arts, and presumably figures the implementation of a ground attack will help him against a man who should, by all rights, murder him with his bare hands. (Actually, he’s publicly backed away from this claim and is just hoping to catch Choi and knock him out, which is probably a far dumber idea.)

And while the predominant thinking would almost have to be “what the fuck is going through this guy’s mind?” (the likely answer is “I need the money”), there are two other distinct possibilities. First, Canseco may honestly believe that he can follow the path of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and kick off his mixed martial arts career with a win over Choi. Alternately, he may be under the impression that he’s fighting South Korea’s greatest entertainer:

Regardless, Canseco didn’t seem all that worried prior to the weigh-ins today, even going so far as to issue a grandstand challenge to Choi via Twitter (we’re just going to assume this is a legit account and not someone with the desire to impersonate Jose Canseco in 2009) while the 1988 AL MVP was chomping on sushi over the weekend:

I’ve arrived in Japan. Where’s the sushi??1:49 PM May 24th from web

Sushi is great. Where’s Choi??6:50 PM May 24th from web

Bring me Hong Man Choi. I’m at Ginza Hokake tonight until 11:00pm. Why wait until Tuesday let’s get it on.9:49 PM May 24th from web

The only thing more awesome than the actual image of these two fighting in a ring later tonight/this morning is the thought of a livid Choi lumbering into the dining room of a Japanese restaurant, finding Canseco, Canseco calmly rising from his seat, placing his chopsticks on the table and excusing himself to the parking lot, where the two throw down Rocky V style.

And you know, it wouldn’t even be that much more ridiculous than what we have in store in a few hours.


It Seems To Paris Hilton That She’s Lived Her Life Like A Candle In The Wind

paris

…except for the whole sex tape thing.

The Sun has an article up reviewing Paris Hilton’s latest bit of nonfiction cinema, “Paris, Not France”, which apparently ran at the Cannes Film Festival over the weekend.

Seemingly, what the British press took away from this moving account was Paris’s statement that, if not for the whole fucking on tape thing, she could’ve been the next Princess Diana.

In the article, the Brits used their subtle ways to express derision.

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Megan Fox Likes Girls Who Like Girls

meganfox

Transformers eye candy Megan Fox, who months ago slayed me with the best performance of her career on the red carpet at the Golden Globes when she declared herself “a man”, is at it again. This time she’s bisexual, a positively unique admission that sets her apart from every other 22-year-old female on, for example, college campuses across the country.

But while the headline reads “Megan Fox: I am bisexual”, it is her list of demands, so to speak, that is the real story here.

We’ll get to that, but first let’s get a little bit of our Freud on:

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Greetings SOSHers: What Are Your Hopes, What Are Your Dreams?

I notice we’re getting quite a bit of traffic today from Sons of Sam Horn and, since I’m both unable to access the thread and the traffic all seems to be coming in for the Norm posts/debate threads, I’m going to guess it’s of the Pinsetting and Gutterballs variety.

Anyway, I wanted to acknowledge this because a.) I’m a huge Sox fan and I lurk there all the time, in particular the game threads b.) We haven’t had any posts in quite a while except for Vasgersian making a fool of himself, c.) this will presumably help push some of my baseball articles off the front page, which probably isn’t a bad thing, and d.) everyone loves a vanity post.

In summation: Go Sox!


Matt Vasgersian Knows A Thing Or Two About Comedy

…which is probably more than you can say about him when it comes to football, if his fucking disgraceful performance calling the ’09 Fiesta Bowl was any indication.

In any event, here he is trying to lighten the mood while Rockies outfielder Brad Hawpe is being shoveled off the field after being hit in the head and/or neck with a throw.

Yeah, I’ll bet he thinks this swine flu thing is a real hoot, too. Jerk.


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