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Today’s great moment in police buffoonery comes to use from lovely Gainesville, Florida.
Police are looking into details surrounding the death of a Gainesville engineer, whose body was discovered just this week in his car although the vehicle had been ticketed seven times since the man was last seen alive.
Officers want to know how John Waldo, 42, got from Calico Jack’s Oyster Bar on SW 2nd Avenue and ended up dead in the backseat of his 2001 silver BMW 330i in College Park.
Waldo was last seen alive at the business on Feb. 11.
There could be a million explanations for this. My favorite, though, is the one where he returned to his car and died there. As opposed to, say, being dragged through the streets in broad daylight, possibly while ticket #4 was being penned. Oh, look at me being all Occam’s razor-like. I’m sorry.
“We know that he was out by himself but then he ended up with a couple of people when he left CJs,” Halvosa said. “We don’t know if he drove or if someone else drove him there,” he said about Waldo’s car being found in the 1900 block of NW 2nd Avenue.
Waldo was found seated face-forward on the passenger side of the backseat. He was fully clothed and had the car’s ignition key. A loaded pistol was discovered in the trunk of the car.
Boy, for his sake, I hope it was registered legally.
City records show a ticket officer issued seven tickets to Waldo’s BMW. The first ticket was issued on Feb. 12. Police have speculated that illegally dark window tint may have prevented ticket officers from noticing someone was slumped over in the car.
Tinted windows. This man clearly had no respect for our constitution! Dare I say it? This was a deserved death. And that handgun registration isn’t looking too likely now, either. Obviously the officer was taking it easy on poor Waldo.
Great job, guys.
Now that spring training is officially under way, it’s just a matter of time before the baseball season resumes. As always, the season should be a crazy mess filled with drama on and off the field. Titles will be won, players will be suspended, charges will be pressed, A-Rod will do something wacky, it’s like clockwork.
In fact, many of the most surprising and confusing elements of the year in baseball tend to come during the offseason, as teams scramble to improve themselves or, in the case of certain owners, try to become as liquid as possible to become more attractive to potential buyers once it is learned that your ex-wife will be taking you to the cleaners.
It’s often that many of the important developments of the offseason are actually lost in the chaos that surrounds the business of baseball during these months, and fans turn on the TV in March or April to see strange new faces donning the apparel of the team to which they’re most partial to.
For those folks, there are season preview magazines out there that do a pretty good job of catching you up on what transpired while football games were being played. I’ve also noticed that ESPN seems to like to do this “30 Teams in 30 Days” gimmick where they cover a fresh camp each day and report from it. And yeah, that’s great. But for me, it’s a little too time consuming, not to mention how hit-and-miss ESPN’s baseball analysts can be.
So, as a public service, what I’ve decided to do is boil each team’s offseason down into just a few words and post ‘em right here on the blog. I’m so goddamn kind sometimes.
But I’m still a writer at heart, so I needed to come up with a way of consolidating all of this information into small, easy-to-digest chunks. So I gave it a few seconds of thought and decided I’d go the complete hack route and write a single haiku for each team detailing its key offseason machinations. (The lazy, oversimplified 5-7-5 version, natch.) Told you I think like a writer!
So without further ado, I present, after the jump, the preeminent 2009 Major League Baseball Haiku Catch-Me-Up, 30 Teams In 510 Words:
So, since I made my initial post about the Stamford chimpanzee mauling incident (mediocre band name), the wildly amusing original story has taken on a life of its own thanks to what you might call a questionable editorial decision by the folks at the New York Post to run a cartoon depicting cops shooting said chimpanzee while making a remark about the recently passed stimulus plan.
As you may have guessed (and heard, by now), this just added more dimensions to an already ridiculous story. Sure, we already had people coming out saying the chimp had done a number on them previously, and the widespread debate over whether Lyme disease or Xanax may have had an effect on the chimp going ape shit. But it wouldn’t be a truly epic shitstorm unless race baiting was somehow involved.
Because that’s where Rev. Al Sharpton comes in. Naturally, The Daily News was all over the protest:
Sharpton spoke before scores of angry protesters outside the beleaguered tabloid’s midtown headquarters.
“Shut down the Post! Shut down the Post!” the racially-mixed crowd of more than 200 shouted at a noon rally.
For the sake of their editorial staff, I hope those aren’t the same 200 that still actually subscribe to the print edition.
Anyway, back on point:
“I guess they thought we were chimpanzees,” Sharpton said. “They will find out we are lions.”
SANTA PAULA — Police have shot and killed a mountain lion in a Santa Paula neighborhood, and they believe five more could be in the area.
…
Police say the lion advanced toward a resident and officers were forced to shoot it.
They’ll have to find someone else to fulfill the next Sharpton analogy.
So the ABC affiliate in New York opened up its Eyewitness News broadcast tonight with quite the breaking news story. Was it about the stimulus plan? Possibly how Wall Street shat all over it? Nope. Was it about Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez talking about “amateur hour” steroid use that he and cousin Balki allegedly engaged in that led to his failed test in 2003? Nah. This was the story they led with (via CNN):
(CNN) — A Connecticut woman pleaded for police to “please hurry” to save a friend from an attack by a pet chimpanzee, according to emotional 911 recordings released Tuesday by Stamford police.
“He’s ripping her apart,” Sandra Herold, 70, tells dispatchers about her pet, Travis.
With the chimp squealing in the background, Herold cries out, “He’s killed my friend!”
Bummer.
Wait, what?
The best part of the NBA season is nearly upon us. In just a few hours, the festivites of All-Star Weekend will kick off with the 2009 NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, which I’ve often found to be the most entertaining and enjoyable game of all-star weekend — mostly for the trainwreck aspect — since the NBA blatantly stole Rock ‘n’ Jock Basketball from MTV.
Though, to be fair, all-star weekend trainwrecks are not limited to the celebrity game. Observe:
Generally, the game features about four competent celebrity players — usually a pair of rappers, a football player and the kid who’s like 12 years old that nobody wants to defend against — along with a pair of upper-mid-level WNBA players. It also tends to feature at least one rapper who it turns out is in way over his head even against other celebrities and a couple chicks, and the white guy who takes the game way too seriously. I can’t remember who was the last guy to earn the former distinction, but James Lafferty from One Tree Hill who played last year seemed to live up to the latter billing. Also, I seem to recall Chris Tucker playing a lot. He pretty much sucks.
By far, the star of last year’s game was Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens. Again, I’m basing this on memory, but he may have arrived at halftime and been arbitrarily assigned to a team. Anyway, in addition to being, ya know, a ridiculous athlete, T.O. played college ball, so he overmatched everyone else on the court. This being the highlight:
As we edge ever closer to pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training, it’s a relatively quiet time in Major League Baseball. Sure, the best hitter on the free agent market remains unsigned, but there don’t seem to be many suitors for him. Anyway, it’s fair to state that early February, right after the Super Bowl, is sort of a lull period where not much happens in sports, with the exception of the fantastic NBA All-Star Weekend.
Oh, and maybe this SI report:
In 2003, when he won the American League home run title and the AL Most Valuable Player award as a shortstop for the Texas Rangers, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids, four sources have independently told Sports Illustrated.
Rodriguez’s name appears on a list of 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball’s ‘03 survey testing, SI’s sources say. As part of a joint agreement with the MLB Players Association, the testing was conducted to determine if it was necessary to impose mandatory random drug testing across the major leagues in 2004.
When approached by an SI reporter on Thursday at a gym in Miami, Rodriguez declined to discuss his 2003 test results. “You’ll have to talk to the union,” said Rodriguez, the Yankees’ third baseman since his trade to New York in February 2004. When asked if there was an explanation for his positive test, he said, “I’m not saying anything.”
In case you forgot:
The announcers asked Canseco directly: “Has A-Rod ever taken steroids”
Perhaps the most damaging news from the SI article is this bombshell:
Three major league players who spoke to SI said that Rodriguez was also tipped by Orza in early September 2004 that he would be tested later that month.
Just incredible.
Photo from 1010 WINS' Mona Rivera
NEW YORK (AP) – A maple syrup smell that has mysteriously wafted through New York City numerous times over the years has been traced to a New Jersey facility that processes fenugreek seeds for flavorings.
More importantly, it provided us with this epic shot of Mayor Bloomberg standing in front of a chart documenting the numerous Garden State stenches that sneak across the border and into New York.
Recently impeached Rod Blagojevich took stage at the Ed Sullivan theater to talk with “Late Show” host David Letterman on why he’s continues to think his fellow politicians are after his balls. For a man so committed to the people of Illinois, his two daughters and wife at home, and his innocence despite an overwhelming conspiracy to get him out of office, the obvious place for him to be is with day and late night talk show hosts nationwide.
It’s sad to see a Blagojevich go through this. Not because of the treatment he’s endured during this process. Not because I believe he is guilty, or innocent. It is the simple fact that Rod Blagojevich, clearly, has no friends. Not a single one. I’m starting to believe that his media tour isn’t to proclaim innocence. It’s a cry: “PLEASE, SOMEONE LOVE ME! SOMEONE LOVE RODDY BOY!”
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