(Sub)[urban]ism -vs- (PC)ism -vs- Gabe(ism): Porch Monkey

EDITOR’S NOTE: It should be thoroughly noted that the comments of one Kid Hasselhoff does not reflect those of the entire RHSP entity. Plus, he really does come from the hood, which does legitimize it… or at least that’s what we’re telling ourselves.

Sub-Urban(ism):

Porch Monkey

PC(ism):

I had an extraordinary opportunity to witness a group of impoverished, urban youth in their natural habitat. It was nothing short of amazing!

Gabe(ism):

I enjoyed belittling the ghetto kids who sell chocolate on the subway. When I say “NO” to one, I know I’m shattering the dream (if only just a little) of owning a new uniform or going on a class trip .

(Sub)[urban]ism -vs- (PC)ism -vs- Gabe(ism): Douche-bag

Sub-Urban(ism):

Douche-bag

PC(ism):

Smith: I heard Johnson just bought a pre-owned Lexus.

Boss: Yes, I saw him park his car this morning. My 16 year-old has the same model except his is brand-new.

Smith: <in a snotty voice> Really???

Boss: <short pause> Smith, remind me to cut Johnson’s salary and hours. We’ll need to make an example him. We don’t need anyone else to trying to shake up the status quo.

Smith: Yes, sir. < after a long day of stroking his ego, Smith fully commits to giving his boss fellatio>.

Gabe(ism):

Nick Hogan doesn’t deserve to be in jail. His comatose “friend” should have been smart enough to wear his seat belt. I guess that will be one hard pill to shallow In his case, more like grinding it into a powder and injecting “the hard pill” into a feeding tube.

Cocktail Weeners for Everyone – R.Kelly

The musical incarnation, whose earthbound persona we know (and love) as R.Kelly is not guilty on all 14 counts (of simple misunderstandings and mistaken identity). Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but they could not keep my boy down. Mr. Kelly rose to the occasion in true form, a class act in every sense. He embodies the statesmanship-like qualities of Lincoln. Like honest Abe, he emancipated (all the wrongly-accused brothers who could not be heard, seen, or freed, but suffered nonetheless) himself, from shackles of an evil empire (this is not my sinister society) and proclaimed his innocence without speaking a word.

I can only imagine if he portrayed a modern-day Moses (vintage Moses said to the Pharaoh of Egypt “LET MY PEOPLE GO!”). Similarly, Kelly would utter to the jury “I DIDN”T PEE ON NO LIL HO!” His words would uplift us and fill us with glee. And an angry God would smite his foes and lead him to the Promised Land. Oh yeah, that’s already happened and it only took 6 years (instead of forty years). Take that Moses, and your magical staff!

The literary master Thomas Wolfe once wrote “you can’t go home again.” I guess R.Kelly wasn’t paying attention in high school English class. Chicago’s native son has come home once more, free from the turmoil and the tyranny (and the lies). He walks amongst us free to spread his message of love, hope, and loss (hopefully ,with with a smooth urban beat you can f_ck to). He is a pillar of strength in a community that once shunned him, he turns to embrace them and he is welcomed once more. After all the allegations and dragging of Robert’s name through the mud, now he is free. Free to give us the gift of music, perhaps another 12 chapters of his renowned R-n-B, operatic stylings. Free to roam highways and byways , in search lost souls who are in need of R.Kelly’s special TLC treatment (no video cameras, please). He has regained his life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And now he is free to pursue the finer things in life like marrying any underage hottie (Aaliyah we still miss you) or urinating on a “young” fan (a groupie most likely, a minor willing to do whatever it takes to impress her idol) Dumb broad, the black Pavarotti has you under his spell!

Wherever R.Kelly turns up, whether on the radio, a music video, or an 8th grade girls’ pajama party. We welcome you back into our iPods, our televisions, and most importantly, our hearts.

It’s certainly good to see you again, our beloved Pied Piper of R’nB.

Oh by the way, “TOOT, TOOT, MOFOs!”

The Kid

Rome is Burning – Parades

PARADES

Another burden on the heavy shoulders of our society. Parades (they should be banned). That’s right, all parades banned. “How so?” you may ask.

Let me preface by saying I support the troops and I believe that everyone should have freedom of expression (& individuality) from wherever they are from. Does this expression mean they need a parade? No! No! No!

I don’t need a group of people marching around, patting themselves on the back for killing other people in different countries and continents. Defending the nation (I mean actual invaders on American soil killing our citizens, oh yeah, we already have that they are called cops), is one thing, blowing people up (without rakes and pitchforks to ward off us, oh I mean the insurgents) in a clay hut village is something else. Honestly, when was the last time foreign soldiers “rolled-up” on the contiguousness 48 states and step foot on “The Land of Free”? Was it the war with our Mexicans neighbors to the south (we won that one, pretty easily) or the French one with Indians involved (we won that one, too), and we ended up with California (right, and chunks of Midwestern land from that other “war”) and whole bunch of “Beaners.” Sorry, no parades and hi-fives for you.

And then, we have my personal favorite… These parades from people (if I’m not mistaken) whom no longer live in the countries they originate from anymore (just visiting? get out). We should not have people celebrating their respective ethnicities / cultural-nationalist ideologies with bands, batons, stilt-walkers, sword-swallowers, fire-eaters, traffic jams and litter (more on the latter two further in the post), especially when you’re not living there anymore. This creates dissent within our fragile infrastructure, “The Home of the Brave.” Parades are like clots that buildup in blood vessels and if constantly ignored , they can cause heart attack or stroke. Our society is at risk and no cares. The US, she doesn’t have universal health care. How is she suppose take care of herself? I’ll tell you, its called preventive maintenance (a.k.a the free clinic, robotussin, tiger balm, etc). We stop the parades, we stop the degradation of our communities. Lady Liberty she has yeast infection, these parades are the disease.  I ask “what is the cure?” I’m not asking anyone to shed blood for our hallowed civilization, just to preserve our way of life. We need unity and parades create unhealthy subcultures, they tear us (society) apart and keep us from coming together in a grand alliance, feeling that good ‘ol American pride and nationalism (and hamburgers, and hot dogs, and apple pie and all the other kinds of gluttonous grub).

According, to my calculations , there are three groups of people that should have parades. They are as follow and in this order (from lowest to highest in importance);

1. Black People: Why? Because the US government won’t give them reparations for slavery (plus interest). And most importantly, they are not treated equal for no reason whatsoever. Some have theorized that Blacks are placed in impoverished environments purposefully, as to diminish their say in government and economic matters. That’s all bullshit (but that is a discussion for another day)! A word to the wise, don’t leave Chocolate City. You better be listening. Brown folks, don’t believe me? Leave the big city and take your ass to some rural area. I hope you make it back alive. Like KRS-ONE says it best “overseer, overseer, overseer, officer, officer, officer.” Parade for you? Yes.
2. Gay, lesbian, transgender, transsexual (any other sexual orientation that makes most people cringe): These upstanding citizens will never be respected for their “lifestyle choices” (even though, its not really a decision and, science has proven its genetic and, in some instances, occurs in nature). The Bible won’t allow these good people to get a fair shake in life (thanks Leviticus, asshole). I can’t speak on the other religions, but I’m sure their viewpoints don’t deviate that much from the Christian faith. Besides, the NYC Halloween parade rocks! Parade for you? Hell, yes.
3. The American Indian: The most deserving of the bunch. When was the last time you’ve seen two American Indians in the same room, at the same time, not in a (reservation / converted) casino? I’ll tell you, none. These people have been pretty much been battered, maimed, killed, diseased, and intentionally displaced (many, many times over). The US gov’t has a history of reneging and lying to these “noble savages” so many times, that they aren’t enough them around to sue the government. And who the hell describes you as being a noble savage (I hope that guy is burning in hell and being anally violated by fiery three-pronged pitchforks, fun times dick). Parade for you? Hell fricking yes, with 1st class air and hotel accommodations.

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The Kid’s Course of Action: In my universe, for all those who would petition for a parade, these are my super-stern stipulations (the three parades, mentioned above, are exempt from the below);

• For 1/16 of parade trail, the participants must walk barefoot in human feces (no other animal feces allowed)
• For 1/16 of parade trail, the participants must walk on barefoot on broken glass and iron spikes
• For 1/8 of the parade tail, the participants must walk barefoot on hot coals and fiery puddles of kerosene.

Why, when parade goers are done 1) walking and peeling off the shit from their feet, they can pick up and toss it into a nearby park, to fertilize the soil (for the environment’s sake), 2) pick up and recycle the bloody glass and iron, because hey its renewable resource (I care about more the enviroment and climate change then self-centered fuckers who cherish their sacred parades) and 3) who doesn’t get kick out of people stupid enough to walk on something that literally burns / cooks you. Jerks! _______________________________________________________________________________________________

All in all, what are you accomplishing with a parade? Nothing. Parades are creating gridlock and traffic congestion which can really hurt commerce. The retail (not food and hospitality) industry don’t gain that much business from the increased foot traffic. It’s been proven. Not to mention the excessive debauchery, whether of sexual /deviant / predatory nature or partaking in the “devil’s nectar.” Oh, how could i forget the amount of fricking litter is generated by parades? Tons. Literally, the filthy bastards generate so much, that the Sanitation Dept. (who get paid well over their hourly wages), needs all kinds of equipment to clean it up. And, of course, the increased police presence because some people don’t know how to behave themselves. Thanks for ruining the experience for everyone else there.

Some will say to me, <in a whiny, and must-have small testicle voice> “oh, it’s all about learning other people’s cultures and traditions.” Here’s my rebuttal, “oh really, are your women hot and / or does your food taste good?” If the answer to either of these questions yes, then I’ll be getting more involved with learning about your C-U-L-T-U-R-E.

This unnecessary assembly is a perpetual onslaught, that will continue tearing the fabric of our society. Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams, kids. Oh where did they go? I don’t know, maybe you should look under all that filthy litter the parade left behind and while you’re there, see if you can find all our wasted tax dollars.

No parades means saving America, even it’s a little bit at a time.

I hope all the parade loving bitches go to hell, from sea to shining sea!

The Kid

Cocktail Weeners For Everyone : Cars

I just saw a rather unbelievable, video where a guy invented a car that runs on water (and minuscule amount of gas). Check it out:

more about ““, posted with vodpod

Also, I find out through the magic of Google search, that other inventors have had some grave mishaps when experimenting with hydrogen fuels or The Illuminati (a secret society that the world in a choke-hold) eliminating any obstacles in their path.
This inventor is a dead man walking. He should go into hiding before it’s too late. Between the automotive and oil industries, there will be a hefty bounty on his head. It’s too bad though: I would love all the oil barons and Saudi princes to shit bricks when petroleum is worth jack shit. There goes my dream of owning a Hummer with a .50 caliber machine gun and get more than 12 mpg. Alas, hunting humans for sport will continue to be an elusive fantasy.

Oh well, one can always dream.

The Kid

Rome is Burning : Part 1

The United States is considered the modern-day Roman Empire of this age. And yet, its slowly succumbing to many internal forces which are destroying the fabric of this society. Our society. An argument could be made that these “forces” are more external, in nature. We should probably account for the global influences at work. Here are some for instance:

1. Surging oil prices.
2. The War in Iraq.
3. The rise of China as an economic Super Power.
4. The consistent dwindling value of the US dollar.
5. The downward spiral of Mother Nature (a.k.a. Global Warming a.k.a Climate Change)

To name a few.

I agree that these are all valid points and may prove detrimental to the continued existence of well-intentioned republic. But none of these equal to the horror of this…

This fat mess needs to go on a diet. The mother is at fault for giving into his fits of slobbery rage and obvious food addictions. We are witnessing the birth of the next George W. Bush. He may not be the next president of the US, but he’s gonna be someone’s boss. And who wants to put up with a dirt-bag like that.

My introspective of the, “what-should-be-the-greatest-nation” on the Earth (yeah, the USA), will demonstrate how this little bastard should be dropped off at a NAMLBA Summer camp for a week. That’ll shut him up.

The Kid’s Course of Action: In a perfect world, this kid would turn end up like Tom Cruise’s character in “Born on the 4th of July,” paralyzed from the waist down. As a paraplegic, he’ll find his true calling by helping himself and his like. He won’t be the boss of anyone much less a public toilet seat. And he won’t grow up to be a prick.

On a personal note…

I remember the two times I talked back to mom resulted in the following actions;

• The first time I got my ass handed to me by a yellow Wiffle bat for about 2 to 3 hours. I had welts all over and I still had to go to school the next day. What I did wrong: I cut class in 8th grade.
• When I didn’t remember the first time (nor learned my lesson), when disrespecting my mom many, many, moons later. I said something “disagreeing” to her (to this day I couldn’t tell you what it was); my brother later told me I got hit (and concussed) by a frying pan. When I awoke, it was in the wee morning hours on Sunday. This life-changing event occur on Friday evening.

Ironically, my mom still owns the same frying pan and she makes the most slammin’ pork chops. She is quite the gourmet.

A word to the wise, don’t f_ck with MOM. Move out first.. Go kill a hooker, commit vehicular manslaughter, snort cocaine on pregnant teen’s belly, or burn down your old elementary school. But for the love of God, don’t mess with your MOM.

The Kid

Cocktail Weeners for Everyone

This is just a little hors d’oeuvre to start your blog reading day. Besides, I sure do love the use of the double entendre.

A Very Brief Comparative Analysis of Sex & the City*

* eavesdropping on a fellow rider of the mass transit system.

I was riding the famously, filthy NYC subway when I overheard a young (non-Caucasian) woman, talking about The Sex & the City movie. She and I had the same newspaper, AMNY, (and yes, I know I’m a cheap bastard and a lazy reader for not buy the New York Times).

Moving on…

She was reading the review excerpt (Josh Tyrangiel, Time) that they insert on the movie ad placement. She reads the quote and it states, “If you are a woman there is nothing in the world that will keep you from this movie.”She then yells” Well ain’t that some shit. White women are now becoming all gangsta-n-shit. It’s like Dr. Dre’s The Chronic album all over again.” <short pause> “White women are fucking crazy.” She continued to speaking but she was pretty indecipherable. God damn Ebonics!

I was thinking “…nothing in the world that will keep you from this movie.” Nothing? Nothing! <Echoing in my mind, repeatedly.>

Here are 5 things that would keep me from this movie.. (in no particular order)

1) Big cock / Succulent pussy. Pick one (I prefer the latter because I loves the ladies, but if I were gay I’d want some hardcore man junk).

2) Winning the lotto. Winning a $2 dollar scratch off would suffice.

3) Going to an art gallery opening. Free wine and cheese is da shit!

4) Cinemax (Skinamax) After Dark, and The Movie Channel or Showtime after 10pm. Because who doesn’t like soft-core porn.

5) The Tyra Banks Show. Insert ridiculing joke here ___________________________________________

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What do you think?

The Kid

Rebuttal: R.Kelly “Trapped in the Jail Cell”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Normally, the length of posts are taken in account, and usually broken up by breaks or strategic wording. However, it was decided that the following rant, authored entirely by Kid Hasselhoff, was too geniusly written to cut up. Plus, we really want Ant (soulsanctified) to read it, un-edited, un-altered, and in all it’s glory. Please enjoy!

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Is R. Kelly a musical genius or madman? Have you listened to the music? His music? Have you Brother soulsanctified??? Its obvious you’re missing out on the deeper meaning of the spoken word. His thought-provoking lyrics have moved millions, the prophetic tones leave goosebumps on the flesh.

The only way his music could it be better, if naked big-breasted female angels with the sweetest, most heavenly voices sang Robert’s melodies, while other naked big-breasted female angels played his compositions better than any virtuosos could possibly imagine.

I believe that Mr. Kelly is wantonly persecute because he is so GOD-damn smooth. The music just ebbs and flows from his soul, like magic. How can this man be so despised by the likes of so many. How about you try walking in Robert’s shoes?

Did you ever think….

He is like another man, he to walked the Earth and was persecuted for being different. He was trying to give us something special back to us, our wretched mortal lives (you know like salvation and stuff). You know who I’m taking, not Kane from Kung-Fu. Oh no. I’m talking about… Jesus Christ. Our Savior. The Messiah. The Pimp Most High. And yes there is a colloration between the two ( dare I state, archetypes).

Here is some of Mr. Kelly’s enlightenment… (He’ll make a believer out of you)!

R. Kelly has enriched our lives with his soulful harmonies and thus making us joyous and enriching the lives of ourselves and others . Jesus has enriched our lives by teaching us to love thy neighbor and thus paying it forward to our fellow man. R. Kelly had an alleged sex tape where he apparently engages in deviant “bumpin’-n-grindin’ ” sexual behavior. Jesus had alleged sex with hot-ass Mary Magdelene and (spoiler alert) Dan Brown writes a book about their existing descendants in the present day (Oh shit JC had kids, what the hell is going on here). Both these men’s allegations are ludacris, unfathomable, and blasphemous. Brother soulsanctified how dare you take our Lord’s name in vain. Shame on you. Shame. Shame.

You can’t help that they are THE WORLD’S GREATEST…

Here’s a thought… A theory for all you naysayers. Perhaps a young R.Kelly (let’s say 8 or 9 years old), had his 1st sexual encounter with (for the sake of argument) an 15 / 16 year old girl. And maybe, this same person urinated or defecated on the young and impressionable, Mr. Kelly. Now for some this would be considered statutory rape, torture, child endangerment, etc (for this trallop, it was just another day to deflower yet another virgin or what not). We can only imagine how this act would skew his perception of women from puberty to adulthood. As a grown man, we can imagine that having alleged sex with teenagers would seem normal. Now, I am not saying what he’s doing was right, allegedly. I’m just saying I understand his plight. One event can change your entire life and scar you.

And don’t even think of bringing up Aaliyah, she may have passed onto another plane of existence but doesn’t make her any less of HO. She did go out with Damon Dash. And you know she’s got some serious cooties.

Moving on…

Let’s that a moment to discuss the actual sex tape. This video pretty much sums it up, right…

Then again, there’s always this argument too… (please start viewing @ 1:47)

more about “test“, posted with vodpod

R. Kelly is not guilty of these heinous crimes, (Chappelle says so it must be true). If he is guilty of anything, it of having too much soul. Caring too much about “the kids.” The media and people like soulsanctified are lapdogs of Satan. They’ll do whatever their Master commands. The built up of this way-too-obvious witch-hunt of a trial has created a void in R-n-B, a black hole that may can never filled with the continued absence of R. Kelly music.

As the Bible states, do not judge lest ye be judged.

Brother soulsanctified know that Jesus and Robert don’t appreciated your harsh criticism. They hope that you can one day find eternal peace in your heart and absolve yourself of the darkness that perpetuates in your mind and lingers in your souls.

I rest my case.

The Kid

(Sub)[urban]ism -vs- (PC)ism -vs- Gabe(ism): Part 2

Blowjob, BJ, Chin-nuts, Cock-sucking, Salami Swallowing….

Sub-Urban(ism):

Blowjob,

PC(ism):

I was expecting a typical congratulatory pat-on-the back, and to my surprise, received some special mouth loving.

Gabe(ism):

Stop talking about that Gringa Monica Lewinsky. Everyone knows that fat chicks are more eager.

This for all my peeps out on the West Coast. Here’s an oldie but a goodie…

(Sub)[urban]ism -vs- (pc)ism -vs- Gabe(ism): A multi-part series

Sub-Urban-ism:

Sub-urban-ism are words most commonly used in “da hood,” “da ghetto,” The Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY. Ebonics, black-speak, chocolate-rain, jive-talking are different variations of this amazing dialect.

Unfortunately, these words are also commonly used by wiggers, strip mall dirtbags, frat boys and their associates (a.k.a. bros) as a means to make themselves seem like they’re “da shit” and more in tune with whats “down” with brown folks (homies). These are despicable creatures that need to be ridiculed on site. Their constant abuse of urbandictionary.com (and the like) garner them high marks for tomfoolery and douchebaggery.

PC-ism:

PC-ism (a.ka. politically correct) version of sub-urban-ism. There may have underlying racial undertones and / or stereotypes without classifying the user as a bigot or bias against any distinctive persons. Also, these allow the user to fire remarks that create generalizations about someone or something, without the serious recuperations . Mostly used around office spaces and /or work related functions and people you just don’t like. People who use these on daily basis are fake mofos and are not your friends. Some pc-isms are classified as positive racism.

Gabe-ism:

Gabe-ism is a state of being coined by a oblivious racist named Gabriel P. Essentially, this is positive racism gone horribly wrong. These remarks will offend anyone and everyone within an earshot. These statements are similar to things you would here from a hate group.

Now there’s one subject matter that everyone can agree upon… Titties (especially big breastesses). Do you know when to use the correct vernacular for describing some hefty chesticles? What can only be described as “the filet mignon of the mammaries” never ceases to amaze the human eye (and the male loins). Whether you like them big or small you can’t help but to gawk in awe.

Hence the need for Sub-Urban-ism, PC-ism, and Gabe-ism.

Tits: Titties, Breasts, Chest Handles, Speed Bumps, etc.

(Sub)[Urban]ism:

Big ‘Ol Titties or Tig Bitties

(PC)ism:

The technology to capture beams of God’s love hasn’t been invented yet.

Gabe(ism):

Why did _____________ (insert ethically large breasted woman’s name here) get mad when I said, if her brains were as big as breasts, she would need to be fucking her boss for the X-Mas bonus.

I welcome any suggestions.

Peace out,

The Kid.