In just a little over four hours from now, the DREAM MMA group in Japan will present DREAM 9, featuring the continuation of its featherweight grand prix tournament and, more notably stateside, the first round of its Super Hulk Tournament, an eight-man single-elimination freak show tournament featuring multiple 300+ pound fighters, a 7′2 kickboxer, and most importantly, for our purposes, disgraced MLB slugger Jose Canseco.

The first round draw will include fights between 320-pound Bob Sapp and 196-pound Ikuhisa Minowa, 286-pound Mark Hunt and 218 Gegard Mousasi, 353-pound Jan Nortje and 225-pound Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, and, the aforementioned 7′2 kickboxer, 330-pound Hong Man Choi and Canseco, who weighed in at 253.5 pounds.

Yes, despite his extremely limited experience in combat sports, and the experience he’s had has not been particularly encouraging — he fought to a majority draw with 5′6, 165-pound Danny Bonaduce in a celebrity boxing match and prior to that was KTFO’d by 5′9, 205 pound ex-Eagles kick returner Vai Sikahema — Canseco has decided to try his hand at mixed martial arts, and presumably figures the implementation of a ground attack will help him against a man who should, by all rights, murder him with his bare hands. (Actually, he’s publicly backed away from this claim and is just hoping to catch Choi and knock him out, which is probably a far dumber idea.)

And while the predominant thinking would almost have to be “what the fuck is going through this guy’s mind?” (the likely answer is “I need the money”), there are two other distinct possibilities. First, Canseco may honestly believe that he can follow the path of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and kick off his mixed martial arts career with a win over Choi. Alternately, he may be under the impression that he’s fighting South Korea’s greatest entertainer:

Regardless, Canseco didn’t seem all that worried prior to the weigh-ins today, even going so far as to issue a grandstand challenge to Choi via Twitter (we’re just going to assume this is a legit account and not someone with the desire to impersonate Jose Canseco in 2009) while the 1988 AL MVP was chomping on sushi over the weekend:

I’ve arrived in Japan. Where’s the sushi??1:49 PM May 24th from web

Sushi is great. Where’s Choi??6:50 PM May 24th from web

Bring me Hong Man Choi. I’m at Ginza Hokake tonight until 11:00pm. Why wait until Tuesday let’s get it on.9:49 PM May 24th from web

The only thing more awesome than the actual image of these two fighting in a ring later tonight/this morning is the thought of a livid Choi lumbering into the dining room of a Japanese restaurant, finding Canseco, Canseco calmly rising from his seat, placing his chopsticks on the table and excusing himself to the parking lot, where the two throw down Rocky V style.

And you know, it wouldn’t even be that much more ridiculous than what we have in store in a few hours.

…except for the whole sex tape thing.

The Sun has an article up reviewing Paris Hilton’s latest bit of nonfiction cinema, “Paris, Not France”, which apparently ran at the Cannes Film Festival over the weekend.

Seemingly, what the British press took away from this moving account was Paris’s statement that, if not for the whole fucking on tape thing, she could’ve been the next Princess Diana.

In the article, the Brits used their subtle ways to express derision.

The heirhead socialite makes the claims in a new documentary on her life, which debuted at the Toronto International Film Festival last September and was shown in Cannes at the weekend.

Hilton’s bad behaviour includes her infamous sex tape with RICK SOLOMON, other leaked saucy videos and pictures, a charge for Driving Under the Influence (DUI) and a short spell behind bars.

Talking about that sex vid, she says: “When I heard about it I thought: ‘Yeah right. It’s going to be a look-a-like. It’s going to be a joke.’

No doubt featuring the Wayans Brothers.

“But a couple of hours later it was all over online and then I saw it.

“It’s the most intimate thing you can do and the whole f***ing world is watching it and laughing at you.

To be fair, there’s comedy, and then there’s the “fuck your phone!” sequence from the video. It’s really hard to contain yourself at that point.

But maybe I’m making your point for you.

“That’s not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It’s not what I planned.”

No?

I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.”

Especially when you make a dumb mistake like driving drunk.

Transformers eye candy Megan Fox, who months ago slayed me with the best performance of her career on the red carpet at the Golden Globes when she declared herself “a man”, is at it again. This time she’s bisexual, a positively unique admission that sets her apart from every other 22-year-old female on, for example, college campuses across the country.

But while the headline reads “Megan Fox: I am bisexual”, it is her list of demands, so to speak, that is the real story here.

We’ll get to that, but first let’s get a little bit of our Freud on:

She told Esquire: “I think people are born bisexual and they make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society.

Yes! I’ve been saying the same thing for years! Except when there’s, you know, a cock in my mouth.

(Hey, fuck off, judgmental society.)

“I have no question in my mind about being bisexual.

“But I’m also a hypocrite.

Biopinionated.

Please do explain.

“I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

“If it weren’t for my horse,” added Fox, “I’d have never spent that year in college.”

Seriously, though. This is the story. It’s not that Megan Fox says she’s bi. It’s that she’s out of her fucking mind, or at the very least doing an excellent job of messing with us.

Taking what she said at face value, though, what could be going through her head when she comes up with this? My thinking is that her brain subconsciously (there’s that word again) functions similarly to an if/then/else statement in Excel. In this situation, Ms. Fox encounters a fetching lass at an on-sale date for Lilith Fair (please bear with me) and strikes up a conversation wherein she begins probing her acquaintance with questions such as “Isn’t ‘Adia’ just the most moving song you’ve ever heard?” (the ice breaker), “So I hear you’re a lesbo?” (cutting to the chase), and “Yeah? You ever fuck any dudes?” (the deal breaker). Once recorded, Fox plugs these answers into the Excel spreadsheet of her mind like so:

=IF((A1=”lesbo”)+IF(B1=”dudeless”),”fuck”,”deny intercourse”)

It’s been a few years since I fell one class short of an IT minor, and even then “sloppy” was one of the more frequent ways my coding/formulas were described, but you get the idea. And if you don’t, well, let’s just pretend, okay? I didn’t even bother with the complexities of also including the malefolk in the equation. Don’t ever let anyone tell you I don’t have any decency.

Back on track, the next question that begs to be asked is, has anyone besides Brian Austin Green managed to crack this code?

Last year she revealed that she’d had a fling with a female stripper, adding: “I’m not a lesbian.

Nope. Bi. Totally different.

So, Megan, any projects coming up that you’d like to discuss?

“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — OLIVIA WILDE is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.

Fuck it, I need this girl to write an independent film or something like, yesterday.

But anyway, okay, great. Any final thoughts?

“And lately I’ve been obsessed with JENNA JAMESON, but… oh boy.”

Awesome. She’s done it again.

I notice we’re getting quite a bit of traffic today from Sons of Sam Horn and, since I’m both unable to access the thread and the traffic all seems to be coming in for the Norm posts/debate threads, I’m going to guess it’s of the Pinsetting and Gutterballs variety.

Anyway, I wanted to acknowledge this because a.) I’m a huge Sox fan and I lurk there all the time, in particular the game threads b.) We haven’t had any posts in quite a while except for Vasgersian making a fool of himself, c.) this will presumably help push some of my baseball articles off the front page, which probably isn’t a bad thing, and d.) everyone loves a vanity post.

In summation: Go Sox!

…which is probably more than you can say about him when it comes to football, if his fucking disgraceful performance calling the ‘09 Fiesta Bowl was any indication.

In any event, here he is trying to lighten the mood while Rockies outfielder Brad Hawpe is being shoveled off the field after being hit in the head and/or neck with a throw.

Yeah, I’ll bet he thinks this swine flu thing is a real hoot, too. Jerk.

Well, I wanted to get all the previews up before tonight’s opening game, but at that point I hadn’t really anticipated having a pair of jammed fingers from playing basketball. I’m usually able to type pretty quickly, but then again, I’m usually able to type using my right middle finger and, should the situation require it, thumb.

That being said, I’m going to try to fire out the rest of these previews tonight, particularly since I also have another article to write tomorrow for my actual job, which, naturally, is also about baseball. Gloriously, there is no escape.

I had anticipated to once again let my East Coast Bias shine through in this post, since I’m more familiar with a few of these teams than, say, the San Diego Padres. Anyway, no promises now — we’ll see how the digits hold up.

So let’s dive into the Senior Circuit, starting with the WFCs.

When I went to see the Phillies play the Red Sox in a interleague game last June, I believed that I was only seeing one potential World Series champion franchise take the field, and it was the team that wound up playing the waiting game against Jamie Moyer en route to a convincing win over the eventual World Champs. And, while the Sox were one win away from returning to the World Series, and while the Sox took two of three in the regular season series with the Phils, ultimately, it was the Phillies who were, as Chase Utley would put it, the World Fucking Championship team on the field on that day.

And you know what? I didn’t have a problem with it. I happen to know a ton of Phillies fans, and, unlike with the Yankees and to some extent Mets fans friends, I don’t get a huge kick out of it when the Phils fail. Seriously, who would really enjoy a forlorn Phillie Phanatic? That’s madness.

Now, granted, the Phils did contribute to the ruination of my birthday in 1993 — thanks a lot, Mitch Williams — after much of the Philly contingent of my family was traumatized, but I don’t hold a lot of ill will towards them. Or didn’t, is maybe a better word.

But what they did at the end of last year was tremendous. Once again, they outlasted the chirpy, gutless New York Mets to win the NL East after the Mets once again embarrassed themselves by declaring themselves the most talented team in the division, only to once again choke against the Florida Marlins on the final weekend of the year. And then, following their run past the Brewers and, as a Manny guy, their unfortunate win NLCS win over the Dodgers (I forgive you), they went and did what nobody in the American League, including the Red Sox, could do, and that was finally put a stake through the heart of the goddamn Tampa Bay Rays, once and for all.

From there, my relative indifference towards the Phillies swoll almost to the point of well-wishing. Obviously, Utley’s World F’N Champions speech and the mainstream emergence of Cole Hamels facts helped this along. And, of course, the Phanatic.

So, I hope the 2008 Phillies all enjoyed their winter as the World Champs (Except for Pat Burrell. Fuck him.), and I hope they have another great year in 2009. But, as a Sox fan, I hope it’s not quite as great as a year ago. We’ve got more World Series of our own to win.

The Phils’ season got off to a rough start on Sunday night when Brett Myers reverted to his early 2008 form and served up batting practice to the Atlanta Braves. It’s probably not anything to worry about yet, though. There’ll be 161 more games to build up those concerns and make guys like J-Roll whine about front-running fans and try to talk their way out of town (anyone remember that now?)

Just another reason why baseball is awesome.

Thumb’s swelling up bigtime, so I’ll try to pick up with the previews tomorrow if possible. IN THE MEANWHILE, here’s a rough approximation of how I think the divisions will pan out this year, with some very brief thoughts for the NL teams on why I have them ranked where I do. I’ll try to improve upon these tomorrow, though, obviously, time is running out.:

AL EAST:
1.) Boston Red Sox
2.) New York Yankees
3.) Tampa Bay Rays
4.) Baltimore Orioles
5.) Toronto Blue Jays

AL CENTRAL:
1.) Minnesota Twins
2.) Cleveland Indians
3.) Kansas City Royals
4.) Chicago White Sox
5.) Detroit Tigers

AL WEST:
1.) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
2.) Oakland Athletics
3.) Texas Rangers
4.) Seattle Mariners

WILD CARD: New York Yankees

ALDS:
New York Yankees over Minnesota Twins
Boston Red Sox over Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

ALCS:
Boston Red Sox over New York Yankees (I swear, this is bias-free.)

NL EAST:
1.) Atlanta Braves (I really like the replenished pitching staff.)
2.) Philadelphia Phillies (They should find their way into the playoffs as a wild card, I’m guessing.)
3.) New York Mets (almost put them in 4th place… I hate the “improvements” made to the team by Minaya. Almost reminiscent of a Steve Phillips touch-up job on those Bobby V teams that needed help.)
4.) Florida Marlins (they’ve got a lot of solid young pitching, but the team defense is suspect, especially on the infield, which should work in particular against Volstad)
5.) Washington Nationals (You’ve gotta respect an organization this blissfully unaware of the need for pitching  at the Major League level.)

NL CENTRAL:
1.) Chicago Cubs (I could see them having another down year, too. But this division is extremely weak. That was my belief a year ago and then they went and produced two playoff teams, but the Brewers should be down this year and nobody else really looks like they’ll step up.)
2.) St. Louis Cardinals (For this exercise, we’ll just pretend that Chris Carpenter will stay healthy all year.)
3.) Cincinnati Reds (It probably wouldn’t be wise to sleep on their pitching. They’ve got quite a bit of it, a decent closer and some strong hitters. In this division, you shouldn’t need much more.)
4.) Milwaukee Brewers (Lost Sabathia and Sheets. Replace them with Braden Looper. I don’t expect that to do the trick. They could sink even lower.)
5.) Pittsburgh Pirates (They’ve got more pitching than the Astros, in my opinion. Even if they don’t, they have a ballpark that’s more forgiving of most mistakes.)
6.) Houston Astros (Following his brief stint in New York, I actually have a canned message in my cell that reads “Pudge sucks”.)

NL WEST:
1.) Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb/Haren 1-2 punch and a strong lineup will be tough for the Dodgers to top two years in a row.)
2.) Los Angeles Dodgers (Manny Ramirez is awesome. That is all.)
3.) San Francisco Giants (Zito can’t be as awful as he was last year again this season, can he? He’ll probably make a decent #4 behind Lincecum, Cain and Randy Johnson. Now if only they could learn to hit.)
4.) Colorado Rockies (I’m unsure what this team was trying to accomplish in the offseason.)
5.) San Diego Padres (Less a baseball team and more a sociological consequence.)

WILD CARD: Philadelphia Phillies

NLDS:
Chicago Cubs over Philadelphia Phillies
Arizona Diamondbacks over Atlanta Braves

NLCS:
Arizona Diamondbacks over Chicago Cubs

WORLD SERIES:
Boston Red Sox over Arizona Diamondbacks

I believe this is the second year in a row I predicted the Diamondbacks would reach the World Series. Somehow, it never gets old. Or manages to be right.

Seeing as how tonight is Opening Night, I guess it’s pretty important that I spring through the remaining previews.

Luckily, the AL West only has four teams, and only three of them have experienced any intriguing offseason changes.

We’ll start with last year’s division champs:

The Angels had the best regular season in franchise history a year ago, finishing with a 100-62 record and looking in the eyes of many like the favorites to represent the American League in the World Series.

Then they encountered the Boston Red Sox in October, and it was the same old story.

They’ll look to repeat their success from last season in 2009 — October chorus notwithstanding — but will have to do so without two huge contributors to last year’s team in closer Francisco Rodriguez and first baseman Mark Teixeira, both of whom fled to the Big Apple.

In an effort to replace Teixeira, the Angels signed ex-Yankee Bobby Abreu to a one-year, $5 million deal. He’ll be plugged into left field, replacing Gary Matthews Jr., who’s not exactly pleased with the decision. Teixeira’s departure will also open up the chanbase. Kendry Morales to play every day at first base. We’ll see how that goes.

As far as K-Rod goes, the dropoff between he and new closer Brian Fuentes is insignificant. Major League executives actually played it smart with Rodriguez, who had been talking about getting top-of-the-line starter’s money to close for another team in free agency. Apparently, Rodriguez subscribes to the theory that saves are a meaningful stat. Amazingly, it looked like just about every Major League general manager has stopped buying into that line and instead looked at his peripherals before declining to pay a pitcher in steady decline tens of millions of dollars to pitch one inning at a time and disappear in big games. (Though eventually the Mets, already familiar with this model, caved in and paid him well under what Rodriguez had determined was his market value.)

Fuentes’ numbers a year ago were very similar to K-Rod’s, and he comes as a comparative bargain at two years for $17.5 million, or $20 million less for one fewer year than Rodriguez.

Lost in the hubbub about K-Rod is the fact that, for the first time in his career, Garret Anderson will play for a team other than the Angels this year. The steady hitting left fielder, who saw a lot of time at DH last year, moved on and signed with the Atlanta Braves, where he’ll likely resume manning left field on a daily basis. Jon Garland’s departure was more justifiably met with general indifference following his one season in Anaheim, when he posted a 14-8 record in spite of an ERA around 5.

The pieces remain in place for the Angels to contend for another AL West title, but already, health looks like it could be a factor. John Lackey and Ervin Santana will both begin the year on the disabled list with arm trouble, and it was recently announced that Joe Saunders may have some outside help in his regression to the mean. The opening day starter is currently going through a dead arm period, which is always a promising sign.

KEY ADDS: Bobby Abreu, OF; Brian Fuentes, RP
KEY LOSSES: Mark Teixeira, 1B; Francisco Rodriguez, RP; Jon Garland, SP; Garret Anderson, OF

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Chone Figgins, 3B
2.) Howie Kendrick, 2B
3.) Bobby Abreu, LF
4.) Vladimir Guerrero, RF
5.) Torii Hunter, CF
6.) Juan Rivera, DH
7.) Mike Napoli, C
8.) Kendry Morales, 1B
9.) Erick Aybar, SS

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) John Lackey, RHP (DL)
2.) Ervin Santana, RHP (DL)
3.) Joe Saunders, LHP
4.) Jered Weaver, RHP
5.) Dustin Moseley, RHP
Key Relievers: Jose Arredondo, RHP; Scot Shields, RHP; Darren Oliver, LHP; Justin Speier, RHP
Closer: Brian Fuentes, LHP

Won’t win, can’t pitch, let’s move on, shall we?

(Seriously, what storylines are there for this team? Can Elvis Andrus live up to the hype and be the worst hitting regular in the big leagues? Is Andruw Jones this year’s Josh Hamilton? [And that's if lard addiction even counts as a sickness.] Which young backstop will emerge as the winner of Survivor: Arlington? Who cares?)

KEY ADDS: Andruw Jones, OF; Anna Benson’s Husband, SP
KEY LOSSES: Gerald Laird, C; Ramon Vazquez, IF; Jamey Wright, RP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Ian Kinsler, 2B
2.) Michael Young, 3B
3.) Josh Hamilton, CF
4.) Chris Davis, 1B
5.) David Murphy, LF
6.) Hank Blalock, DH
7.) Nelson Cruz, RF
8.) Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C
9.) Elvis Andrus, SS

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Kevin Millwod, RHP
2.) Vicente Padilla, RHP
3.) Kris Benson, RHP
4.) Brandon McCarthy, RHP
5.) Matt Harrison, LHP
Key Relievers: C.J. Wilson, LHP; Joaquin Benoit, RHP, Eddie Guardado, LHP
Closer: Frank Francisco, RHP

Frankly, I could probably use the “can’t pitch, no chance” argument here, as well. But Billy Beane was kind enough as to go out and vastly improve the offense that was really the weak point of this team a year ago. Of course, to do this, he moved several pitchers. But really, who had ever heard of Greg Smith before last season? Amirite?

Now, I’m doing this from the top of my head, but I believe the cleanup hitter for Oakland when they opened the season in Japan a year ago was a fellow by the name of Daric Barton, their rookie first baseman. This is pretty much all you need to know about last year’s A’s offense.

This year, their opening day first baseman will be, admittedly, the remains of Jason Giambi. He could conceivably be the  #4 hitter. The other option, of course, is Matt Holliday, one of the best hitters in the league.

Choices, choices. Also added to the roster of the Oakland Athletics in the offseason were Orlando Cabrera and Nomar Garciaparra. Beane exploited the down market to lock these players up on short, inexpensive deals, and it suddenly turned Oakland from a mediocre team to one that could make some noise in the AL West.

Still, it will come down to pitching. And even though the A’s play in a very pitcher-friendly ballpark — the more forgiving venue makes them a more intriguing pick non-Angels in the AL West than the Rangers, in my opinion — the Coliseum can only do so much.

The onus will therefore be on Justin Duchscherer — when healthy — as well as Dana Eveland, Dallas Braden, Sean Gallagher, and rookies Brett Anderson and Trevor Cahill to make the production of the new offense stand up. Anderson and Cahill are both highly-touted pitching prospects, but whether they’ll be able to live up to the hype immediately may determine how far this team goes.

The bullpen has also seen a dropoff from 2008 with the losses of Huston Street and Alan Embree and the uncertain injury situation of Joey Devine. Russ Springer and Michael Wuertz have been brought in to alleviate some of the additional pressure that will be put on holdovers Brad Ziegler — now the likely closer — and Santiago Casilla.

KEY ADDS: Matt Holliday, OF; Jason Giambi, 1B; Orlando Cabrera, SS; Nomar Garciaparra, IF; Russ Springer, RP; Michael Wuertz, RP
KEY LOSSES: Huston Street, RP; Greg Smith, SP; Carlos Gonzalez, OF; Emil Brown, OF; Alan Embree, RP; Andrew Brown, RP; Keith Foulke, RP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Ryan Sweeney, CF
2.) Orlando Cabrera, SS
3.) Jason Giambi, 1B
4.) Matt Holliday, LF
5.) Jack Cust, DH
6.) Eric Chavez, 3B
7.) Kurt Suzuki, C
8.) Mark Ellis, 2B
9.) Travis Buck, RF

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Dallas Braden, LHP
2.) Sean Gallagher, RHP
3.) Dana Eveland, LHP
4.) Brett Anderson, LHP
5.) Trevor Cahill, RHP
Key Relievers: Santiago Casilla, RHP; Russ Springer, RHP; Michael Wuertz, RHP
Closer: Brad Ziegler, RHP

This is the other team that made me look like a complete fool when I made my picks for the ‘08 season. As you can read here, I’m still not quite over the Tigers royally fucking me over. And don’t get me wrong, I was pretty pissed off about my projected 2008 Wild Card champions embarrassing themselves to the degree that they embarrassed themselves a year ago.

But how can you stay mad at the M’s when they go out and replace their most productive power hitter with The Kid? I’ve always said the greatest intangible of them all is nostalgia. I’d imagine that if Junior, age 39, discovers the fountain of youth at his former home, that it’ll only be a matter of time before the Pete O’Briens and Alvin Davises of the world begin sitting by their phones waiting for a call, with all due respect to new signing Russell Branyan.

J.J. Putz has also been replaced, as Brandon Morrow has decided to make his own rules and will be the team’s new closer. Who are they to argue?

Okay, maybe there’s still some bitterness there.

KEY ADDS: Ken Griffey Jr., OF; David Aardsma, RP; Russell Branyan, 1B; Franklin Gutierrez, OF; Endy Chavez, OF
KEY LOSSES: Raul Ibanez, OF; J.J. Putz, RP; Jeremy Reed, OF; Sean Green, RP; Arthur Rhodes, RP; R.A. Dickey, P

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Endy Chavez, LF
2.) Jose Lopez, 2B
3.) Adrian Beltre, 3B
4.) Russell Branyan, 1B
5.) Ken Griffey Jr., DH
6.) Franklin Gutierrez, CF
7.) Wladimir Balentien, RF
8.) Kenji Johjima, C
9.) Yuniesky Betancourt, SS

I’m guessing I have this thing completely fouled up. Anyway, when Ichiro comes back, Endy probably goes to the bench. Ichiro should probably bat third, but he won’t. What an awful lineup this is without Ichiro. Well, it’s pretty bad with him, too.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Felix Hernandez, RHP
2.) Erik Bedard, LHP
3.) Carlos Silva, RHP
4.) Jarrod Washburn, LHP
5.) Ryan Rowland-Smith, LHP
Key Relievers: David Aardsma, RHP; Mark Lowe, RHP; Miguel Batista, RHP
Closer: Brandon Morrow, RHP

Their strong bullpen has been decimated, but maybe Bedard could help out by actually pitching a reasonable number of innings this year.

Logo photos courtesy of sportslogos.net.

We’ll continue the previews with the AL Central. It’d make sense for me to jump to the NL East from here, what with their games beginning on Sunday night with the Phillies hosting the Braves, but hey, whatever.

Like the last post, the teams will be previewed in order of their appearance in the year-end standings a year ago, with my official predictions coming at the end of the six preview sets.

This will probably not be as exhaustive as the AL East preview, on account of my not being quite as familiar with these teams.

The White Sox rebounded from a terrible 2007 and found themselves back in the playoffs last year for the first time since their World Series championship in 2005. The return to form can be credited to the team’s pitching staff — which rebounded from being the worst in the AL to its sixth stingiest — as well as the additions of outfielder Carlos Quentin and utilityman Alexei Ramirez.

Before breaking his wrist, Quentin carried the Sox offense, slugging 36 homers, driving in 100 runs, scoring 96 times and on-basing .394. Meanwhile, the Cuban defector Ramirez belted 21 homers and swiped 12 bases while seeing time primarily at four positions. Their contributions to the lineup were especially important given how drastically Paul Konerko and Nick Swisher performed. (Let’s face it, in Swisher’s case, when a getting-by-on-fumes Ken Griffey Jr. seems like a better idea to play center field every day, you know it’s a bad year.)

On the hill, it was the unexpected emergence of Phillies prospect-turned-washout Gavin Floyd and the apparent leap forward made by John Danks that buoyed the Sox back into the playoffs. Whether they can repeat their performances remains to be seen, but my questions about Floyd are much more significant.

The bottom line is, before 2008, Floyd never looked like much of a pitcher at the Big League level. And that’s being kind. He had a career ERA over 6 in just under 200 innings. For every three batters he struck out, he walked two. He also allowed 37 home runs in that span. (And, for all you win-loss junkies out there, his record over this span was a dazzling 9-10.)

But then, suddenly, he figures it all out last year and posts a 3.84 ERA while winning 17 games. Now, I’ll give you this — most often, a player doesn’t enter the prime of his career until he turns 26. Last year, Floyd turned 25. So it’s possible that last season was his breakout year.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of evidence that it was not that, and that Floyd just encountered a tremendous string of luck. Without delving too deeply into his 2008 season, it can surmised that he either regularly benefited from tremendous defense behind him — not likely — OR that he just got very, very lucky. The batting average for balls put into play against Floyd last year was .268, which was drastically lower than his career average. Batters seemed to hit slightly fewer line drives against Floyd last year as well, while his control didn’t appear to improve noticeably, and he still allowed a ton of home runs.

I’m not saying Floyd reverts to his pre-2008 form of a AAA pitcher masquerading as a big leaguer in 2009, but I’d be stunned if he was able to keep what appears to be an unbelievable string of luck going this season. Combine that with the replacement of the solid, if unspectacular Javier Vazquez with the doughy and frequently unspectacular Bartolo Colon, and Chicago’s pitching could take a major hit again this year.

It also remains to be seen whether Quentin is the real deal, especially coming back from a wrist injury, if Josh Fields is ready to step in for Joe Crede at third after a false start in his first Major League stint, and if Chris Getz will be productive as the team’s apparent every day second baseman.

KEY ADDS: Bartolo Colon, SP; Wilson Betemit, IF
KEY LOSSES: Javier Vazquez, SP; Orlando Cabrera, SS; Juan Uribe, IF; Joe Crede, 3B; Ken Griffey Jr., OF; Nick Swisher, OF; Boone Logan, RP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Dewayne Wise, CF
2.) A.J. Pierzynski, C
3.) Jim Thome, DH
4.) Carlos Quentin, LF
5.) Jermaine Dye, RF
6.) Alexei Ramirez, SS
7.) Paul Konerko, 1B
8.) Josh Fields, 3B
9.) Chris Getz, 2B

That’s an interesting looking lineup.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Mark Buehrle, LHP
2.) John Danks, LHP
3.) Gavin Floyd, RHP
4.) Jose Contreras, RHP
5.) Bartolo Colon, RHP
Key Relievers: Octavio Dotel, RHP; Scott Linebrink, RHP; Matt Thornton, LHP
Closer: Bobby Jenks, RHP

I’ve all but stopped trying to figure out the Minnesota Twins. They seem to win around 85 games a year and always find themselves in the playoff picture when September rolls around. They do this despite the team’s need to maintain a low payroll, often leading to trades of many of the team’s star players — though I’m pretty sure they have Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau locked up.

They also have an elite closer in Joe Nathan and a ton of affordable, young pitching. Obviously, Francisco Liriano is a name most baseball fans are familiar with. Those same fans might be familiar with Kevin Slowey, but that’s not a sure thing. I have a feeling, though, that it will be by the end of this season. He’s got some good stuff and unbelievable control.

There wasn’t a lot of turnover from last year’s 88-win team. Mike Lamb has essentially been replaced by Joe Crede, and perhaps the biggest loss was the defection of Dennys Reyes to the Cardinals.

The biggest question marks for the 2009 team may be the uncertain injury situations of Scott Baker, who will start the year on the disabled list instead of as the team’s opening day starter, and Mauer, who will be sidelined with a back injury. Obviously, this team needs Mauer healthy — even more than Baker — to be successful.

KEY ADDS: Joe Crede, 3B; Luis Ayala, RP
KEY LOSSES: Mike Lamb, 3B; Dennys Reyes, RP; Adam Everett, SS

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Carlos Gomez, CF
2.) Alexi Casilla, 2B
3.) Justin Morneau, 1B
4.) Michael Cuddyer, RF
5.) Jason Kubel, DH
6.) Delmon Young, LF
7.) Joe Crede, 3B
8.) Mike Redmond, C
9.) Nick Punto, SS

As you can see, the dropoff in this lineup without Mauer is considerable.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Francisco Liriano, LHP
2.) Kevin Slowey, RHP
3.) Glen Perkins, LHP
4.) Nick Blackburn, RHP
5.) Scott Baker, RHP (starts on DL)
Key Relievers: Jesse Crain, RHP; Craig Breslow, LHP
Closer: Joe Nathan, RHP

The Cleveland Indians were maybe the trendiest pick to make it to the World Series prior to the 2008 season. I was never really on board with that pick — I hopped right on the shittier trendy picks, Detroit and Seattle, though — but I guess the thought process was that the Tribe had a pair of aces in CC Sabathia and Fausto Carmona, a solid bullpen — in spite of closer Joe Borowski, of course — a tremendous slugger in Travis Hafner, an all-world leadoff man in Grady Sizemore, and one of the game’s top offensive catchers in Victor Martinez.

So, how did all of that turn out?

Well, Sabathia struggled for a month before he got going, and was traded away shortly thereafter, Carmona regressed to an amazing degree and finished the year with an ERA almost 2.5 points higher than his 2007 mark, Joe Borowski somehow managed to get worse and was mercifully cut, the rest of the bullpen sort of turned into a house of cards as they struggled to find a closer, leading to frequent late inning chaos (oh yeah, closer-in-waiting Rafael Betancourt melted down, too), Hafner looked anemic when he managed to get in the lineup, and Martinez was hurt for much of the year.

Sizemore, though, was still awesome.

In spite of all of this, the Indians managed to win 81 games. Maybe the bandwagoners were right. We’ll probably see this year, with a couple new faces along for the ride. I wouldn’t expect another miracle out of Cliff Lee, though.

KEY ADDS: Mark DeRosa, IF/OF; Kerry Wood, RP; Carl Pavano, SP; Joe Smith, RP
KEY LOSSES: Franklin Gutierrez, OF; Juan Rincon, RP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Grady Sizemore, CF
2.) Mark DeRosa, 3B
3.) Shin-Soo Choo, RF
4.) Victor Martinez, C
5.) Travis Hafner, DH
6.) Ryan Garko, 1B
7.) Jhonny Peralta, SS
8.) Ben Francisco, LF
9.) Asdrubal Cabrera, 2B

Not sure if they’re thinking about it or not, but Sizemore would probably look pretty good as the #3 hitter.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Cliff Lee, LHP
2.) Fausto Carmona, RHP
3.) Carl Pavano, RHP
4.) Scott Lewis, LHP
5.) Anthony Reyes, RHP
Key Relievers: Jensen Lewis, RHP; Rafael Perez, LHP; Masa Kobayashi, RHP; Joe Smith, RHP, Rafael Betancourt, RHP
Closer: Kerry Wood, RHP

The Royals took a step in the right direction last year, clawing free from the tyranny of last place in the AL Central and finishing the year at 75-87, good enough for fourth place in their division ahead of the team I thought would go to the World Series. (Because I’m a dumbass.)

There were some things to like about the team last year. Among them were new manager Trey Hillman, rookie Mike Aviles, the pair atop the rotation of Gil Meche and Zack Greinke — who looks like he’s finally realizing the potential that at one point had him gaining comparisons to Greg Maddux (I wouldn’t go that far, though) — and dominant closer Joakim Soria. The rest of the team’s regulars ranged from average to solid, with the exception of Tony Pena Jr., who is a black hole on offense.

Following a promising year, Kansas City GM Dayton Moore went out and made a few nice moves that essentially served to adequately replace players the team lost, while also removing the black hole Pena from the lineup. By trading for Coco Crisp, the Royals added possibly the best defensive center fielder in baseball. That move precipitated a shift from center to left field by David DeJesus, while Jose Guillen moved over to right field. Billy Butler will remain the team’s designated hitter, while Mark Teahen — last year’s right fielder, and originally the team’s third baseman — will return to the infield and try his hand at second base. Aviles, meanwhile, will slide over to shortstop to replace Pena, though in all probability Pena will see time at shortstop in late innings situations where the Royals hold a lead, and there’ll be a whole new series of shifts to worry about then.

The Royals also got Mike Jacobs relatively cheaply from the Marlins. He should take over as the team’s every day first baseman and add more power to a lineup that had only one 20 home run hitter in it a year ago.

New addition Juan Cruz will likely act as the team’s setup man, though Kyle Farnsworth is capable of doing so as well depending on how much of a headcase he is at that given moment. They’ll pretty much be asked to replace Ramon Ramirez, who was sent to Boston in the Crisp deal, and Leo Nunez, who went to the Marlins in the Jacobs deal, in the Royals bullpen.

KEY ADDS: Mike Jacobs, 1B; Coco Crisp, CF; Juan Cruz, RP; Kyle Farnsworth, RP
KEY LOSSES: Ramon Ramirez, RP; Leo Nunez, RP; Joey Gathright, OF; Ross Gload, 1B/OF; Brett Tomko, P

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Coco Crisp, CF
2.) David DeJesus, LF
3.) Billy Butler, DH
4.) Jose Guillen, RF
5.) Mike Jacobs, 1B
6.) Mike Aviles, SS
7.) Alex Gordon, 3B
8.) Mark Teahen, 2B
9.) John Buck, C

If Teahen continues to adjust well to second base, this is a lineup that could quietly do a lot of damage.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Gil Meche, RHP
2.) Zack Greinke, RHP
3.) Kyle Davies, RHP
4.) Sidney Ponson, RHP
5.) Horacio Ramirez, LHP
Key Relievers: Juan Cruz, RHP; Kyle Farnsworth, RHP; Ron Mahay, LHP
Closer: Joakim Soria, RHP

As you may have guessed from my earlier comments that I jumped aboard this bandwagon last year and got totally fucked for it… I have some problems with this team.

This team’s opening day lineup a year ago contained Ivan Rodriguez, Miguel Cabrera, Placido Polanco, Carlos Guillen, Edgar Renteria, Marcus Thames, Curtis Granderson, Magglio Ordonez and Gary Sheffield. The hype, of course, was that they’d score 1,000+ runs. I’ll give myself this much credit: I never thought they’d score that many runs. However, I thought they’d score a lot of runs. And, here’s the key, I also thought they would allow fewer runs than they scored.

But no. Justin Verlander, Kenny Rogers, Jeremy Bonderman, Dontrelle Willis and Nate Robertson all had other ideas. I guess they thought their team would score 1,000 runs too, because these guys were the shits last year. The team’s ace ended up being a guy by the name of Armando Gallarraga. They signed the corpse of Freddy Garcia to try to bail them out, and that predictably failed miserably. The bullpen was a disgrace. I don’t even remember how the fuck Joel Zumaya injured himself last year, and I’ve long since stopped caring. Denny Bautista and Aquilino Lopez emerged as the team’s best options out of the pen a year ago. They’re no longer with the team. Closer Todd Jones is gone, too. Kenny Rogers departed, no big loss.

Among last year’s “Thousand Run Offense” (actual runs scored: 821), Pudge, Edgar Renteria, Matt Joyce and Gary Sheffield are all gone. They even swallowed $14 million to get rid of Sheffield after whatever the hell his 2008 season was.

And how did they improve upon last year’s debacle? They traded Joyce for the unproven former fifth starter of the Tampa Bay Rays, Edwin Jackson. They also signed a pair of catchers and no-hit shortstop Adam Everett, who will probably do his best Edgar Renteria impression anyway.

I hate this team.

KEY ADDS: Edwin Jackson, SP; Brandon Lyon, RP; Gerald Laird, C; Matt Treanor, C; Adam Everett, SS
KEY LOSSES: Gary Sheffield, OF; Edgar Renteria, SS; Kenny Rogers, SP; Todd Jones, RP; Kyle Farnsworth, RP; Matt Joyce, OF; Freddy Garcia, SP; Casey Fossum, RP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Curtis Granderson, CF
2.) Placido Polanco, 2B
3.) Miguel Cabrera, 1B
4.) Magglio Ordonez, RF
5.) Marcus Thames, DH
6.) Carlos Guillen, LF
7.) Gerald Laird, C
8.) Brandon Inge, 3B
9.) Adam Everett, SS

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Justin Verlander, RHP
2.) Edwin Jackson, RHP
3.) Zach Miner, RHP
4.) Rick Porcello, RHP
5.) Armando Galarraga, RHP
Key Relievers: Brandon Lyon, RHP; Joel Zumaya, RHP
Closer: Fernando Rodney, RHP

Awful.

AL West coming up.

Logo photos courtesy of sportslogos.net.

As Opening Day 2009 fast approaches — a little faster than I’d like considering what I’m trying to accomplish here, though I’m more than fine with it otherwise — I thought I’d take a more expansive look at the upcoming Major League Baseball season. For those who don’t care to read my exhaustive rambling, I produced an easy-to-digest version of this all-you-can-eat buffet of baseball-related banality right here.

With that out of the way, let’s not even pretend that I don’t contribute, however little, to the dreaded East Coast Bias.

Yep, it’s AL East time. Teams appear in order of last year’s finish.

The defending American League Champion Rays stunned just about everyone who follows baseball last year (with the possible exception of my friend Brian, who claims that in his sleep-deprived haze during last year’s A’s-Red Sox opener in Japan he had the foresight to tell me that the Rays would win the American League. I was too busy cursing Daisuke Matsuzaka’s constant nibbling and J.D. Drew’s wonky back to notice or care) when they made the leap from perennial punching bag/disgrace to a fairly great team that merely plays in an unspeakably disgraceful venue.

Whereas the question a year ago at this time in the eyes of the people who had given the Rays any respect was if they’d finally manage to win at least 82 games, the question today is can the Rays repeat as champions of the AL East and the American League? The best answer is, they can, but they’re going to need to catch quite a few breaks.

The majority of those breaks are probably going to relate to their pitching staff. To me, the only huge question mark their offense has — besides the anemic Jason Bartlett, who they can easily hide in the ninth spot — is whether Dioner Navarro’s breakout season last year was a fluke or a sign of things to come. At 24, Navarro obviously has age on his side. And most catchers take longer to break out than your typical position player, likely due to the increased demands of the position. Still, he hadn’t done much with the bat prior to last season, even in the minor leagues, so it’s not like a slam dunk that he’ll be flirting with .300 for the next several years. (You’ll notice that I don’t have these concerns about Evan Longoria.) The Rays made it clear last year that they can account for one hole in the lineup, but Navarro’s emergence may have been a lot more crucial than it’s widely given credit for. One needn’t look much further than the catching situations of the other class teams in the division a year ago and how their offenses didn’t seem especially terrifying when they were trotting out Jose Molina instead of Jorge Posada and the corpse of Jason Varitek instead of the Jason Varitek that was capable of hitting.

As for the rest of the Rays offense, well, it’s going to be very good. The key hitters that have departed from last year include such names as Rocco Baldelli, Cliff Floyd and Eric Hinske. Hinske had a solid rebound season in 2008, and Baldelli gave them a lift during the stretch run, but they’re not irreplaceable players. For proof, just have a look at the new designated hitter for the Rays, Pat Burrell, who should be more than suitable to step in for the oft-injured Floyd. The Rays also nabbed Matt Joyce from the Tigers, which should give them even more depth in the outfield following Baldelli’s move to the Red Sox. Ben Zobrist will probably see more time to account for Hinske’s departure, and we’re probably not far off from seeing Reid Brignac in some form on the big club (maybe even as Bartlett’s replacement in the lineup should Navarro regress.)

If you view the offensive personnel changes during the offseason as a push, or something close to that, there’s reason to be optimistic about Tampa’s offense in 2009, especially when you consider that B.J. Upton, Carl Crawford and Longoria all missed time a year ago. Provided they stay healthy, the Tampa Bay Rays offense should remain one of the most dangerous in the AL.

Of course, they may need a lot of those extra runs if their bullpen fails to maintain its unbelievable ability to play over its collective head. In particular, journeyman relievers like Grant Balfour and Dan Wheeler had huge years in 2008 and were heavily responsible for the meteoric rise of the Rays. But as great as each man’s season was, it’s infrequent that pitchers have their big breakouts in their 30s — Roger Clemens notwithstanding. What this suggests, and what their batted ball numbers from last year also imply, is that both pitchers had career years that will be nearly impossible to duplicate. In fact, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say Tampa would be lucky if both relievers manage to come anywhere close to last year’s numbers, given how luck tends to balance out in the majors. J.P. Howell is another guy to watch for a regression, though he is closer to his prime and probably less likely to completely implode, though his control could become an issue.

The starting rotation remains 80 percent intact with only #5 starter Edwin Jackson departing. (He was sent to Detroit in the Joyce trade.) Jackson will initially be replaced in the rotation by Jeff Niemann, though his leash won’t necessarily be a long one given the performance of prospect Wade Davis during spring training, not to mention baseball’s top pitching prospect, David Price, who the Rays surprisingly decided against carrying on the opening day roster.

My feeling is that the Rays will still be a very good team this year, but I have serious doubts that their pitching will be able to carry them as much as it did a year ago. And as the Devil Rays proved in the past, your team can have a lot of offensive talent, but it means nothing if you can’t get the outs on the other side of the ball. I look for the Rays to stumble in 2009, but with their stacked minor league system, I have trouble envisioning a total collapse. They should be in pretty good shape for a long, long time.

KEY ADDS: Pat Burrell, DH; Matt Joyce, OF
KEY LOSSES: Cliff Floyd, DH; Rocco Baldelli, OF; Eric Hinske, 1B/3B/OF

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
1.) Carl Crawford, LF
2.) B.J. Upton, CF (assuming he makes it to opening day)
3.) Evan Longoria, 3B
4.) Carlos Pena, 1B
5.) Pat Burrell, DH
6.) Akinori Iwamura, 2B
7.) Gabe Gross, RF
8.) Dioner Navarro, C
9.) Jason Bartlett, SS

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Scott Kazmir, LHP
2.) James Shields, RHP
3.) Matt Garza, RHP
4.) Andy Sonnanstine, RHP
5.) Jeff Niemann, RHP
Key Relievers: Grant Balfour, RHP; J.P. Howell, LHP; Dan Wheeler, RHP; Brian Shouse, LHP
Closer: Troy Percival, RHP

The 2007 World Champions were just one game short of a repeat trip to the World Series in October following their improbable comeback in Game 5 at Fenway (when the Rays bullpen that you may want to get used to seeing in 2009 appeared prematurely) and a tightrope act by Josh Beckett in Game 6 in Tampa.

Then this happened:

Yeah, take your time down in Durham, there, Dave. Your teammates should be fine.

Anyway, as something of a Sox fan, my worries at the end of last year were that we’d somehow end up paying Varitek millions of dollars worth of loyalty money and that Tim Wakefield and Mike Timlin would somehow end up back on the roster in 2009. In what might best be classified as a stalemate between myself and the universe as a whole, 1.5 of those things actually happened. Wakefield’s back to take up two roster spots, and Tek came crawling back after declining arbitration following an All-Star campaign in which he batted like a buck fifty and had -4 homeruns. But man, he can really call a game. He’s like a computer back there. Or so I’ve been told.

The full victory goes to the long-awaited departure of Timlin, who received the honor of being the first athlete I truly ripped on in a published article several years ago. The article wasn’t even about sports.

Now, of the three, Timlin’s exit was probably the move that I felt was most necessary. I haven’t felt comfortable with him on the mound in years — even when he went nuts in the 2003 postseason, there was still that uneasiness that we were relying on Mike freaking Timlin in high leverage situations. And that was five years ago. He was solid then. The last few years have been downright terrifying, and seeing him on the mound in a crucial spot opposite David Price in Game 2 of the ALCS was the moment when I decided that enough was enough. Mercifully, it appears I wasn’t alone in that opinion.

As far as Varitek goes, the guy is pretty well cooked as an offensive threat. If the Sox are lucky, they’ll get an occasional homer here and there, but to expect anything significant from the captain is probably expecting too much. The pitchers do seem to swear by him for the most part, and for that reason I don’t think of his re-signing as a complete loss. However, I’m hoping that he will be utilized as a transitional backstop should his struggles continue in the first half of the ‘09 season. Whether or not George Kottaras is the answer remains to be seen. I half expect to see the Sox end up with someone like Kenji Johjima before year’s end (that’s just off the top of my head — I’m assuming he’s in the last year of his contract, but that could be wrong).

I think that there’s still a spot for Wakefield on this team, too, but it’s probably in the bullpen. This is especially true given the additions of John Smoltz and Brad Penny. If both of those arms prove to be healthy, I think Wakefield should be the odd man out of the rotation. The knuckler might be most useful out of the pen, anyway, given how unpredictable that pitch can be.

Boston’s lineup should look very similar to the one it ran out during the 2008 playoffs. Only Coco Crisp is gone, replaced by Jacoby Ellsbury, who saw plenty of time a year ago anyway. Jason Bay will also be playing his first full season in Beantown after being dealt for Manny Ramirez last year.

As far as the order goes, I’d like to see some changes — most notably the relocation of David Ortiz. Look, when Ortiz had Manny to back him up in years past, it was easier to justify Ortiz as the #3 hitter. But the combination of last year’s struggles and the lack of a true, out-of-this-world power threat to hit behind him would tempt me to drop Big Papi to the #4 or even #5 spot in the lineup. That’s not to slight the best clutch hitter in Boston sports history, but to me, Dustin Pedroia, J.D. Drew and Kevin Youkilis as the top three makes a lot more sense than a combination of two of them, Ortiz, and the third. Or two of them, Ortiz, Lowell, and then the third.

If only we had a switch-hitting power bat to fill that cleanup spot. (Hey, for what’s it worth I didn’t want Teixeira, but was hoping we’d get Adam Dunn on the cheap instead. Call it another stalemate.)

Anyway, here’s how I’d draw up my opening day lineup (provided Drew’s healthy enough to play, always a tricky prospect):
Dustin Pedroia, 2B
J.D. Drew, RF
Kevin Youkilis, 1B
David Ortiz, DH
Mike Lowell, 3B
Jason Bay, LF
Jed Lowrie, SS
Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
Jason Varitek, C

I have a theory as to why Ellsbury should bat ahead of Varitek (besides the obvious) that I’ll probably delve into further should I ever get to previewing the Mets. The rest I’ve pretty much explained, though Lowell and Bay are fairly interchangable in the lineup.

As for the actual projected opening day lineup and projected starting rotation, we’ll have that…

…right after I note that I loved the Saito signing and all and all am very excited by the pitching depth the Sox have acquired, which isn’t even to mention the Junichi Tazawa signing, or that Daniel Bard is looming, etc., etc., etc.

KEY ADDS: John Smoltz, SP; Brad Penny, SP; Takashi Saito, RP; Rocco Baldelli, OF
KEY LOSSES: Coco Crisp, CF; Paul Byrd, SP (hooray!); David Aardsma, RP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP (no, it’s different):
Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
Dustin Pedroia, 2B
David Ortiz, DH
Kevin Youkilis, 1B
J.D. Drew, RF
Jason Bay, LF
Mike Lowell, 3B
Jed Lowrie, SS
Jason Varitek, C

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Josh Beckett, RHP
2.) Jon Lester, LHP
3.) Daisuke Matsuzaka, RHP
4.) Tim Wakefield, RHP/John Smoltz, RHP
5.) Brad Penny, RHP
Key Relievers: Hideki Okajima, LHP; Justin Masterson, RHP; Manny Delcarmen, RHP; Takashi Saito, RHP
Closer: Jonathan Papelbon, RHP

It should be well established by now that I am not the biggest supporter of the New York Yankees. That being said, with as little bias as possible, I offer you my genuine take on the 2008 New York Yankees: What a shitty team.

I mean, what was the highlight of last season for the Yankees? Hosting the All-Star Game? Derek Jeter passing a bunch of Yankee legends on the franchise hits list? (I believe I was there in person when he went past Mickey Mantle.) Mike Mussina finally winning 20 games? The team taking a victory lap around The Toilet one last time after beating the Orioles? Jason Giambi’s mustache? The astonishing return of Sidney Ponson? The whole Ortiz jersey fiasco? All those guys stealing dirt? The franchise-changing acquisition of Xavier Nady? The brief return of pariah Carl Pavano? Pudge’s much-anticipated debut in pinstripes? Brian Cashman’s heady discovery of the independent leagues as an untapped source of Major League talent?

Bottom line, it was a lost year for the Bronx Bombers in ‘08. (By the way, their manager sucks.) Key players like Jorge Posada and Hideki Matsui missed time. Chien-Ming Wang was victimized by the arduous task of playing National League baseball and was out for a while. Alleged phenom Phil Hughes was discovered to be equal parts blind and gimpy. Ian Kennedy somehow failed to maintain the ability he displayed in 2007 to limit Major League hitters to a composite average below .200. Plus, the new manager sucked.

After making a note of these things, the Steinbrenner clan put their heads together to come up with a scheme that’d bring the third-place Yankees back to prominence in their division and league in 2009.

And so, as millions of Americans bitched and moaned about how shitty the economy was, the New York Yankees went on a spending spree, first outbidding themselves for the services of CC Sabathia, then adding injury prone A.J. Burnett. They also went out and got themselves apparent madman Nick Swisher to replace the Giambino at first.

At this stage, my only recourse was to laugh at them. Don’t get me wrong, Sabathia’s put together a couple great years recently. But I don’t see how spending $160 million on a fat guy whose appeal is just as much about how many innings he eats up (I’m going to show restraint here) as it is about what a winner he is (And in the postseason, this man is not a winner. The Sox, in particular, feast on him, small sample size notwithstanding.) is a slam dunk great signing. It actually seems pretty risky to me.

On Burnett’s end of things, he doesn’t represent a risk so much as a mortal lock for injury. This is going to turn into yet another in a laundry list of utterly retarded pitching adds made by Cashman. You’d think the guy would’ve learned his lesson with Pavano, but no. Now, I’m not saying he’s going to be as comically “prone” to “injury” as Pavano was — but if they’re counting on him for 200 innings, well, that’s probably a mistake.

Swisher is a nice player, but he’s nothing to get excited about.

So once this crop was reeled in by the Yankees, I still felt fine, particularly since they had already lost Bobby Abreu and Jason Giambi, which obviously weakened the lineup.

Then they went out and bought Mark Teixeira, as well.

Sharp move.

I’m doing this off of the top of my head, but I believe Teixeira will slide right in to essentially the same payscale as Giambi. Maybe even less. Either way, he’s especially valuable to the Yankees because the Red Sox were long rumored to be the landing point for Tex. And, while I’ve noted already that I don’t buy into the hype about Teixeira as much as most, he’s still obviously a very capable ballplayer — particularly in the second half, an anti-Nady, if you will — and will help fill the void left by Abreu and Giambi’s departures nicely.

Oh, and they’ve also got A-Rod, once his hip heals. If only there was a way for him to recover faster.

KEY ADDS: CC Sabathia, SP; Mark Teixeira, 1B; A.J. Burnett, SP; Nick Swisher, 1B/OF
KEY LOSSES: Mike Mussina, SP; Bobby Abreu, OF; Jason Giambi, OF; Darrell Rasner, SP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
Derek Jeter, SS
Johnny Damon, LF
Mark Teixeira, 1B
Hideki Matsui, DH
Jorge Posada, C
Xavier Nady, RF
Robinson Cano, 2B
Cody Ransom, 3B
Brett Gardner, CF

Obviously, A-Rod slides in the #3 or #4 spot when he returns. He probably belongs at #3.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) CC Sabathia, LHP
2.) Chien-Ming Wang, RHP
3.) A.J. Burnett, RHP
4.) Andy Pettitte, LHP
5.) Joba Chamberlain, RHP
Key Relievers: Um, they don’t really have any.
Closer: Mariano Rivera (except for this guy.)

It’d be a struggle to get much out of this team’s offseason from a creative standpoint, so I figure, why even bother?

The biggest “add” is probably going to be a full year of big-time hitting prospect Travis Snider, who looked strong in 73 Big League at-bats last year.

The biggest loss for the Blue Jays will almost certainly turn out to be the defection of A.J. Burnett to the division rival Yankees. The Jays’ starting pitching situation is already pretty shaky given injuries to Shaun Marcum and Dustin McGowan.

KEY ADDS: I don’t know, did they even keep Kevin Millar?
KEY LOSSES: A.J. Burnett, SP

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
Alex Rios, RF
Lyle Overbay, 1B
Vernon Wells, CF
Scott Rolen, 3B
Travis Snider, DH
Adam Lind, LF
Rod Barajas, C
Joe Inglett, 2B
John McDonald, SS

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Roy Halladay, RHP
2.) Jesse Litsch, RHP
3.) David Purcey, LHP
4.) Ricky Romero, LHP
5.) Scott Richmond, RHP
Key Relievers: Scott Downs, LHP; Jesse Carlson, LHP; Brian Tallet, LHP; Brandon League, RHP
Closer: B.J. Ryan, LHP

They haven’t been an elite team in the division for about 10 years now, but the Orioles made some noise in the offseason, turning over a noticeable portion of the team. The majority of last year’s starting rotation was replaced, as was the catcher they threw to and sometimes-cleanup hitter Kevin Millar ended up having to settle for a minor league contract with the division rival Toronto Blue Jays. (And boy does that speak volumes about the quality of Baltimore’s lineup a year ago.) The most common elements of last year’s platoon at shortstop also got the axe.

What this left was a core of Oriole mainstays like Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis and Melvin Mora, along with Aubrey Huff, who had a big year last year, and some younger players like Adam Jones and — coming soon — Matt Wieters. Offensively, that’s not a bad core.

Stunningly, the Orioles actually recognized this and went out and added to this core. They signed Cesar Izturis, who should give them solid defense while being hidden in the ninth spot. They snatched Gregg Zaun from the Blue Jays to spell Wieters early on while the O’s try to save money by keeping him in the minors for the first couple months of the year. They also added Ty Wigginton to the fold, and added utilityman Ryan Freel.

On the pitching side of things… well, they did take a chance on Japanese star Koji Uehara. They also nabbed Rich Hill in a trade (along with Felix Pie) and signed journeyman Mark Hendrickson. Those names will replace Daniel Cabrera, Garrett Olson and Brian Burres in the rotation. Apparently non-roster invitee Adam Eaton also has a shot at one of the rotation spots. (That sounds like bad news.)

Closer Chris Ray’s return from injury will also bump George Sherrill up an inning in the bullpen, which shouldn’t hurt too much, either.

While I don’t see them winning the division or even the wild card or anything like that, I expect the Orioles to be an improved baseball team in 2009.

KEY ADDS: Ty Wigginton, 3B/OF; Koji Uehara, SP; Rich Hill, SP; Felix Pie, OF; Gregg Zaun, C; Mark Hendrickson, SP
KEY LOSSES: Kevin Millar, 1B; Daniel Cabrera, SP; Jay Payton, OF; Garrett Olson, SP; Brian Burres, SP; Alex Cintron/Juan Castro/Brandon Fahey, SS

PROJECTED OPENING DAY LINEUP:
Brian Roberts, 2B
Melvin Mora, 3B
Nick Markakis, RF
Aubrey Huff, 1B
Ty Wigginton, DH
Adam Jones, CF
Gregg Zaun, C
Felix Pie, LF
Cesar Izturis, SS

Wow. You plug Wieters into that lineup, and it’s going to suck, especially, to be someone like David Purcey this summer.

PROJECTED STARTING FIVE:
1.) Jeremy Guthrie, RHP
2.) Koji Uehara, RHP
3.) Mark Hendrickson, LHP
4.) Adam Eaton, RHP
5.) Rich Hill, LHP
Key Relievers: George Sherrill, LHP; Jim Johnson, RHP; Jamie Walker, LHP
Closer: Chris Ray, RHP

(Deep breath) Five more divisions to go. And THEN I’ll give my predictions. And then hopefully it’ll be opening day.

Logo photos courtesy of sportslogos.net.