So You Didn’t Win: A Support Guide to Ailing McCain Supporters on Election Night

It’s 12:17 AM.  Barack Obama just delivered his first speech as the official, soon-to-be-official President of the United States.  Millions across the country and around the world cheer loudly, proud to see that the candidate that they have supported over the past two years has finally reached the destination he rightfully deserves.  This is a day, momentously unrivaled by any other this nation has seen.  The first black president. Amazing.

And there’s you.  The McCain supporter.  The McCain supporter, face hole gaping, still almost in disbelief, if of course the rock you have lived under for the past month has no internet connection.  Like a young boy or girl experiencing the exciting, yet scary joy of puberty, there are many stages you must be going through on your journey into Obamahood.

Relax.  Take a deep breath, and know that it will be OK.  I’ve written a handy dandy guide that helps you identify where you are in this overwhelming time of US history.  Trust me, by accurately identifying the underlying symptoms you may be going through, you may actually be able to live peaceably for the next four years, like the sane, knowledgeable, and hopeful 50% of the country:

Overview: The news of Barack Obama becoming president has forced a new-found disgust in the land you call home, so much that you have elected to move to countries you couldn’t have any less knowledge about.
Symptoms: “I’m moving to Canada” ; “I’m out of here, this country’s fucked!” ; “Russia, here I come”
Diagnosis: A common side-effect associated with sore-loser syndrome.  Usually, people self-medicate by hating on the country that gave them constitutional rights to pretty much do whatever the hell they want, and feel the need to voice their over-exaggerating claim that they’d be willing to relocate rather than suck it up and deal with it.  The point is that Canadians don’t want to hear your bitch ass complaining about how cold it is, and frankly their strip-club bouncers are tired of tossing you out when you vacation rowdily.  Taking a closer look at the greater world outside the US makes your ability to binge drinking and other masochistic behavior seem so much peachier.

Overview: Your inner cynic and need to be the thunderous downpour on this great parade urges you to undermine the very things you might have believed in, attempting to downplay any legitimate and viable agenda brought forth by Obama by appending an obnoxious “So what?!” to everything.
Symptoms: “Change isn’t going to come in a day, you know!” ; “Black president, sch-mack president. He’s just the first one, WOW, so un-impressed”
Diagnosis: An American writer Ambrose Bierce wrote of cynics: A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. An American catch phrase speaks of the thoughts of cynics: No shit, Sherlock. As a cynical member of the losing team, you’re trying to ball home so no one gets to play with it, despite the game having already been won.  You feel compelled to call out people on notions you presume they hold, assuming that everyone is expecting “instant results”, yet fail to remember chanting McCain’s “Drill, baby, drill” marching orders thinking it will drop the price of gas the next day. The reality is that most intelligent people who have listened and understood Obama’s plan for this country know that change isn’t a quick fix. It involves hard-work, dedication, and faith. And the fact that he has become the first black president doesn’t strike you as significant to you at this moment, clearly demonstrates a failure to recognize this is as a completely earth-shattering moment in American history, affecting everything for future generations from here on out.

Overview: The mere utterance of “Barack” or “Obama” stirs emotions, ranging from “terrorist”, “socialist”, and “communist”.  You boo’d him when McCain so deftly shit-talked him on the campaign and his consession speech, thinks his year at the age of 10 was spent assisting in domestic terrorist attacks with William Ayers, and assume he personally signed “Mickey Mouse” and “Donald Duck” on the clipboards of the voter registeration workers of ACORN.  You still can’t help but insert “Hussein” when refering to him to others, and can’t shake the feeling that Obama single-handedly perpetrated and executed the September 11 attacks.
Symptoms:

Diagnosis: Simply put, you’re a racist.  Whether you alluded to it, or directly said it, you’re a racist.  If you haven’t been able to tell distinguish these political allegations of “palling around with terrorists”, “who’s the real Barack Obama”, or “knowing the extend of his relations”, well, then you’re a retarded racist.  And may god have mercy on your soul.

Obama Wins, I Ramble

The fact of the matter is that I’ve had this picture sitting on my hard drive for months and I’ve just been waiting for an excuse to post it. I think what happened tonight is a fair enough reason.

Also, with this being a blog and all, I figure I’ll go ahead and ramble a bit about all of this “historic election” jazz.

We’ll start with this: I voted for Barack Obama today. Not exactly groundbreaking stuff, given the overall tone of this blog over the past several weeks, not to mention the fact that I, in fact, fit into that key 18-24 demographic that turned out in record numbers to elect Obama as the 44th president of the United States. That being said, I wouldn’t be what you’d typically classify as a liberal (or a conservative, for that matter.) (Of course, to classify someone strictly as a liberal or a conservative based on a limited number of views is typically a flawed way of doing things, but let’s disregard that for the time being.) (Aren’t parentheses awesome?!)

I consider myself a libertarian, though, to be honest, I think I’m on the books as a Republican after voting for the comically pathetic Mitt Romney in the primary earlier in the year. Nevertheless, I have more often than not voted for the libertarian candidates on the ballot, particularly in local elections, over the past few years. The common argument against voting for a third-party candidate is that you’re essentially throwing your vote away. But the funny thing about that is that people generally resign themselves to doing the exact same thing with the whole “lesser of two evils” mindset. Look, if you think both candidates suck — say one’s an extremely divisive southern stumblefuck and the other’s some uninspiring stiff from the northeast who’d probably be overmatched in an election for middle school principal — why the hell would you vote for either one? (Seriously, why did I vote for either one? And particularly the one I voted for. What would ever possess me to do such a thing?) Wouldn’t you look for an alternative that you’d be satisfied with, rather than devaluing your vote further?

That, believe it or not, was my plan for ‘08 election. Well, the general election anyway. (Funny aside on that dipshit Romney: I live a few blocks from the polling place, and in the time it took me to walk there, cast my vote for Mitt and walk back home, he withdrew from the Republican primary, actually ensuring that I had thrown my vote away in record time.) Still, at one point the prospect of a Mike Huckabee-Hillary Clinton election seemed possible. My, how that would’ve sucked. Naturally, I figured, “hey, Ron Paul is a libertarian, he’s playing it smart, using the Republicans to get his name out there, and then he’ll pick up the Libertarian nomination and try to make a run from there.” I was on board with this idea. Sadly, the Libertarian party (or maybe Paul) was not, and instead nominated recovering Republican Bob Barr for candidacy to the highest office in the land. Yes, in effect, even the Libertarians were trotting out more of the same bullshit. That wasn’t going to fly.

We Interrupt The Politics As Usual To Bring You Some Juvenile Humor

Or should I say adult humor posing as juvenile humor? (No. Thought about it. Shouldn’t say that. Lame.)

A sex offender who posed as a 12-year-old boy to enroll in Arizona schools has pleaded guilty to seven criminal charges.

Prosecutors say he will spend more than 70 years in prison.

Authorities say Rodreick shaved and wore pancake makeup to appear younger, convincing teachers, students and administrators that he was a boy named Casey.

Say, when’s that next Board of Ed election?

Rodreick was caught last January posing as a seventh grader after school officials became suspicious about his paperwork.

Not a red flag, according to the article: the time he grabbed some little girl’s ass. Well, hey, these things happen.