So You Didn’t Win: A Support Guide to Ailing McCain Supporters on Election Night

It’s 12:17 AM.  Barack Obama just delivered his first speech as the official, soon-to-be-official President of the United States.  Millions across the country and around the world cheer loudly, proud to see that the candidate that they have supported over the past two years has finally reached the destination he rightfully deserves.  This is a day, momentously unrivaled by any other this nation has seen.  The first black president. Amazing.

And there’s you.  The McCain supporter.  The McCain supporter, face hole gaping, still almost in disbelief, if of course the rock you have lived under for the past month has no internet connection.  Like a young boy or girl experiencing the exciting, yet scary joy of puberty, there are many stages you must be going through on your journey into Obamahood.

Relax.  Take a deep breath, and know that it will be OK.  I’ve written a handy dandy guide that helps you identify where you are in this overwhelming time of US history.  Trust me, by accurately identifying the underlying symptoms you may be going through, you may actually be able to live peaceably for the next four years, like the sane, knowledgeable, and hopeful 50% of the country:

Overview: The news of Barack Obama becoming president has forced a new-found disgust in the land you call home, so much that you have elected to move to countries you couldn’t have any less knowledge about.
Symptoms: “I’m moving to Canada” ; “I’m out of here, this country’s fucked!” ; “Russia, here I come”
Diagnosis: A common side-effect associated with sore-loser syndrome.  Usually, people self-medicate by hating on the country that gave them constitutional rights to pretty much do whatever the hell they want, and feel the need to voice their over-exaggerating claim that they’d be willing to relocate rather than suck it up and deal with it.  The point is that Canadians don’t want to hear your bitch ass complaining about how cold it is, and frankly their strip-club bouncers are tired of tossing you out when you vacation rowdily.  Taking a closer look at the greater world outside the US makes your ability to binge drinking and other masochistic behavior seem so much peachier.

Overview: Your inner cynic and need to be the thunderous downpour on this great parade urges you to undermine the very things you might have believed in, attempting to downplay any legitimate and viable agenda brought forth by Obama by appending an obnoxious “So what?!” to everything.
Symptoms: “Change isn’t going to come in a day, you know!” ; “Black president, sch-mack president. He’s just the first one, WOW, so un-impressed”
Diagnosis: An American writer Ambrose Bierce wrote of cynics: A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. An American catch phrase speaks of the thoughts of cynics: No shit, Sherlock. As a cynical member of the losing team, you’re trying to ball home so no one gets to play with it, despite the game having already been won.  You feel compelled to call out people on notions you presume they hold, assuming that everyone is expecting “instant results”, yet fail to remember chanting McCain’s “Drill, baby, drill” marching orders thinking it will drop the price of gas the next day. The reality is that most intelligent people who have listened and understood Obama’s plan for this country know that change isn’t a quick fix. It involves hard-work, dedication, and faith. And the fact that he has become the first black president doesn’t strike you as significant to you at this moment, clearly demonstrates a failure to recognize this is as a completely earth-shattering moment in American history, affecting everything for future generations from here on out.

Overview: The mere utterance of “Barack” or “Obama” stirs emotions, ranging from “terrorist”, “socialist”, and “communist”.  You boo’d him when McCain so deftly shit-talked him on the campaign and his consession speech, thinks his year at the age of 10 was spent assisting in domestic terrorist attacks with William Ayers, and assume he personally signed “Mickey Mouse” and “Donald Duck” on the clipboards of the voter registeration workers of ACORN.  You still can’t help but insert “Hussein” when refering to him to others, and can’t shake the feeling that Obama single-handedly perpetrated and executed the September 11 attacks.
Symptoms:

Diagnosis: Simply put, you’re a racist.  Whether you alluded to it, or directly said it, you’re a racist.  If you haven’t been able to tell distinguish these political allegations of “palling around with terrorists”, “who’s the real Barack Obama”, or “knowing the extend of his relations”, well, then you’re a retarded racist.  And may god have mercy on your soul.

Dennis Kucinich is an Angry, Angry Man : Speech at DNC Reveals Slight Chip on Shoulder

With keynote speakers like Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton under their belts, and Joe Biden and Bill Clinton scheduled tonight, the Democratic National Convention need not promote or publicize every single guest that steps on the Denver, Colorado stage. What’s more understandable is the decision (whether intentional or not) not to alert the media of guest speaker Ohio Senator Dennis Kucinich, who’s 6-plus minute speech on everything that is wrong with America gained mixed reactions:

Kucinich’s obvious anger and disdain for the mistakes made by the Bush Administration is both admirable and destable.  While accountability and responsibility are two things needed to be addressed by the perpetrator’s of said crimes, it’s important to keep a level head in this crucial transitionary period.  Critics and skeptics are quick to lean to judgement, especially when the line between passion and psychotic is drawn so thin.

Four of the Worst Vice Presidents Barack Obama Did Not Pick

Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has announced that Senator Joe Biden will be his running mate in his quest to reclaim the White House. In all this anticipation, pundicts and political critics alike have had their share of potential running mates that would have been great candidates. On the flip side, Comedy Central’s Weekly Evil explores the four VP picks that would have worked out for the worst. And, it’s only coincidental that Tom Shillue looks like a much more youthful Dennis Kuncinich. But still hilarious:

more about “untitled“, posted with vodpod

Fox Anchor Cuts Her Own Show’s Head Off, Grows Back an Even Blonder One

In the most recent form of smear bullshittery, Faux Fox News’ anchor E.D. (E, standing for Edith, and D, standing for dickhead) implied Barack and Michelle Obama’s celebratory pound before his nomination speech as a “terrorist fist jab”. The America’s Pulse host opened her show with this question, adding that the move made by the Democratic Presidential nominee has “everyone seems to interpret differently. Of course, by “everyone” she means the voices inside her own head :

Interestingly enough, this isn’t the first case in which oral defecation has aired on national television:

The Huffington Post reported yesterday that Hill has since been fired, although it hasn’t been clearly linked to the statements she made earlier this week.

She has also issued an pseudo-backwards-ass apology, stating “not my intention” this, “didn’t mean to associate” that, blah blah, whatever she’s fired. Done.

In her place Fox plans to bring on Laura Ingraham, who of course is a neo-conservative host, and of course would be a rather attractive women, if it weren’t for the fact that she has no soul.

Check out the lovely Laura in a tift with Hardball’s Chris Matthews, and see how, like many other Republican women, exude nothing but class and charm.

And also, a penis.

Artist Says America Says: It Kills To Be Democratic Presidential Candidates…Literally

A crowd of curious on-lookers gathered around a vacant space on 40th street in New York City near the Port Authority, to get a glimpse of a curiously worded window message, referencing an assassination of former Democratic Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton:

Upon further investigation, it turns out the space, located across the street from The New York Times building, is the final installment of a previously canceled art exhibits. The aptly titled “The Assassination of Hillary Clinton” and “The Assassination of Barack Obama” are the visual criticisms of artist Yazmany Arboleda, who’s inspiration was found in what he believes as society’s attempt to destroy the reputation of anyone in power.

The exhibits were closed in their former homes at Leah Keller and Naomi Gates Galleries in Chelsea, due to “legal issues” stemming from its controversial topic matter. However, both exhibits will be on display for the last time at it’s location at “Anavailablespace”, on 40th street between 7th and 8th avenue on June 5th. I’m guessing the same public officials who intially had it shut down weren’t aware of this, as police were forced to cover up the display as the number of on-lookers rose.

Timing couldn’t be any better to garner some publicity for the exhibit, as Clinton has been the subject of much scrutiny for her own assassination comments. And with Barack Obama’s historic clinching of the Democratic Presidential candidate, the bar has been raised higher than it’s been in months.

Still, you have to give credit: it is controversial. I snapped the photo above, thinking I had some great exclusive that would take this relatively unknown blip of a blog to Digg glory. Damn you, Arboleda! Damn you to hell!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Arboleda has since been brought in for questioning by police and Secret Service agents, but has been released with no charges against him. The gallery has since removed the word “Assassination” from its window.