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It’s 12:17 AM. Barack Obama just delivered his first speech as the official, soon-to-be-official President of the United States. Millions across the country and around the world cheer loudly, proud to see that the candidate that they have supported over the past two years has finally reached the destination he rightfully deserves. This is a day, momentously unrivaled by any other this nation has seen. The first black president. Amazing.
And there’s you. The McCain supporter. The McCain supporter, face hole gaping, still almost in disbelief, if of course the rock you have lived under for the past month has no internet connection. Like a young boy or girl experiencing the exciting, yet scary joy of puberty, there are many stages you must be going through on your journey into Obamahood.
Relax. Take a deep breath, and know that it will be OK. I’ve written a handy dandy guide that helps you identify where you are in this overwhelming time of US history. Trust me, by accurately identifying the underlying symptoms you may be going through, you may actually be able to live peaceably for the next four years, like the sane, knowledgeable, and hopeful 50% of the country:
Overview: The news of Barack Obama becoming president has forced a new-found disgust in the land you call home, so much that you have elected to move to countries you couldn’t have any less knowledge about.
Symptoms: “I’m moving to Canada” ; “I’m out of here, this country’s fucked!” ; “Russia, here I come”
Diagnosis: A common side-effect associated with sore-loser syndrome. Usually, people self-medicate by hating on the country that gave them constitutional rights to pretty much do whatever the hell they want, and feel the need to voice their over-exaggerating claim that they’d be willing to relocate rather than suck it up and deal with it. The point is that Canadians don’t want to hear your bitch ass complaining about how cold it is, and frankly their strip-club bouncers are tired of tossing you out when you vacation rowdily. Taking a closer look at the greater world outside the US makes your ability to binge drinking and other masochistic behavior seem so much peachier.
Overview: Your inner cynic and need to be the thunderous downpour on this great parade urges you to undermine the very things you might have believed in, attempting to downplay any legitimate and viable agenda brought forth by Obama by appending an obnoxious “So what?!” to everything.
Symptoms: “Change isn’t going to come in a day, you know!” ; “Black president, sch-mack president. He’s just the first one, WOW, so un-impressed”
Diagnosis: An American writer Ambrose Bierce wrote of cynics: A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. An American catch phrase speaks of the thoughts of cynics: No shit, Sherlock. As a cynical member of the losing team, you’re trying to ball home so no one gets to play with it, despite the game having already been won. You feel compelled to call out people on notions you presume they hold, assuming that everyone is expecting “instant results”, yet fail to remember chanting McCain’s “Drill, baby, drill” marching orders thinking it will drop the price of gas the next day. The reality is that most intelligent people who have listened and understood Obama’s plan for this country know that change isn’t a quick fix. It involves hard-work, dedication, and faith. And the fact that he has become the first black president doesn’t strike you as significant to you at this moment, clearly demonstrates a failure to recognize this is as a completely earth-shattering moment in American history, affecting everything for future generations from here on out.
Overview: The mere utterance of “Barack” or “Obama” stirs emotions, ranging from “terrorist”, “socialist”, and “communist”. You boo’d him when McCain so deftly shit-talked him on the campaign and his consession speech, thinks his year at the age of 10 was spent assisting in domestic terrorist attacks with William Ayers, and assume he personally signed “Mickey Mouse” and “Donald Duck” on the clipboards of the voter registeration workers of ACORN. You still can’t help but insert “Hussein” when refering to him to others, and can’t shake the feeling that Obama single-handedly perpetrated and executed the September 11 attacks.
Symptoms:
Diagnosis: Simply put, you’re a racist. Whether you alluded to it, or directly said it, you’re a racist. If you haven’t been able to tell distinguish these political allegations of “palling around with terrorists”, “who’s the real Barack Obama”, or “knowing the extend of his relations”, well, then you’re a retarded racist. And may god have mercy on your soul.
There’s really nothing witty or profound to say. 
This man is going to be our president, and he will lead us to many amazing things.
It turns out that the mugging of McCain supporter Ashley Todd that has since been proved as a hoax may not be so made up after all. The Texas College Republicans National Committee volunteer claims that after sustaining a brutal beating for her McCain bumper sticker and $60, her alleged black assailant proceeded to shame her by groping her. And when you look this good, it makes her story that much more believable:
However, startling new evidence may shine some light on her allegations, as video evidence of what appears to be an exact description of her attacker: a tall, black man, who cannot stay away from innocent women:
Those dead-panned, rapist eyes will forever be burned into my nightmares. Let’s keep praying that this bastard is apprehended, POST-HASTE!
[Image via Faux News]
Sure, the title of this post is a bit of a reach. OK, it’s down right V.I.C. silly. But what better way to describe the current mentality of the common American voter. Either side will argue that if his or her opponent wins, sheer fear and terror will take over. And what better median to predict this than the ever-confusingly thriving Bollywood entertainment industry:
Un-dead Indian Michael Jackson dressed all in red: coincidence? I think not.
I’ve had a running conversation with several of my friends regarding the delivery John McCain gave during the 2008 Presidential Debate last Friday from Mississippi. A recurring observation that many have pointed out is the republican’s conviction-laden, substance-lacking performance. Many of the points given had strong tones with no meaning behind it.
With that being said, who better suited to rinse and repeat the same bullshit nonesense than the conservative base. Only a republican could truly transfer the same packaged message TWICE! The latest attack ad, released the day of the Vice Presidential Debate, attempts to rattle the cage of the Delarware senator. But anything less than a Scorsese calibar ad will do little, if any, damage control, brought upon Sarah Palin’s train wreck interview with Katie Couric. Watch as the McCain campaign try to stick it to Joe Biden. And by “stick”, I mean play clips of him talking. And by “it”, I mean nothing. Empty cookie car nothing. Bachelor refridgerator nothing. Palin’s common sense nothing.
Get it?
[via Huffington Post]
In the two days since the $700 billion bail out package to help the sinking financial situation of Wall Street failed to pass, much bickering has been going back and forth. Republicans have blamed a not-so-partisan, more “fact driven” speech before the bill was up for vote. Democrats have lambasted the conservative base for placing their own feelings ahead of the country’s economic struggles. Still-President Bush has made the excuse that constructive talks cannot be had because of Jewish members of Congress being out for Rosh Hashanah.
John Stewart says :
more about “John Stewart to Congress : “Get the f…“, posted with vodpod
In yet another stop on his “Perpetually Vague Press Tour”, John McCain answered questions from a Maine Reporter who specifically requested examples to address the Republican’s claim of his own experience and good judgment, as well as running mate Sarah Palin. There have been numerous reports of McCain’s unwillingness to face the press on issues within his campaign,which this interview seemingly restores a bit of credibility into his campaign. However, it is quickly dashed to bits by his confusing response to the reporter’s question regarding Palin’s experience with national security:
Reporter : Well, you say you’re sure that [Palin] has the experience. But again, I’m just asking for an example: what experience does she have in the field of national security?
McCain : (slight pause) Energy…she knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America. She is the Govenor of the state that 20% of America’s energy supply comes from there. And we all know that energy is a critical and vital national security issue. We got to stop sending 700 billion dollars to countries that don’t like us very much. She’s very well versed on that issue. And she happens to be Governor of a state that’s right next to Russia. She understands that Russia and their newly aggressive behavior in the world, which is something we also have to be concerned about.
In McCain’s infinite and ancient wisdom, the saving grace Palin can pull out on doomsday will be knowledge on turning off a light switch when leaving the room, and where Russia is on a map? The reporter had tremendous momentum until he basically took that money shot of response to the chest. How can you call yourself a reporter, and not ask McCain to ELABORATE?! And shouldn’t he have his cronies spew the ignorant “Alaska is near Russia” argument for him?
Video is below. To see all the perplexing goodness, fast-forward to 4:34.
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