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The musical incarnation, whose earthbound persona we know (and love) as R.Kelly is not guilty on all 14 counts (of simple misunderstandings and mistaken identity). Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but they could not keep my boy down. Mr. Kelly rose to the occasion in true form, a class act in every sense. He embodies the statesmanship-like qualities of Lincoln. Like honest Abe, he emancipated (all the wrongly-accused brothers who could not be heard, seen, or freed, but suffered nonetheless) himself, from shackles of an evil empire (this is not my sinister society) and proclaimed his innocence without speaking a word.
I can only imagine if he portrayed a modern-day Moses (vintage Moses said to the Pharaoh of Egypt “LET MY PEOPLE GO!”). Similarly, Kelly would utter to the jury “I DIDN”T PEE ON NO LIL HO!” His words would uplift us and fill us with glee. And an angry God would smite his foes and lead him to the Promised Land. Oh yeah, that’s already happened and it only took 6 years (instead of forty years). Take that Moses, and your magical staff!
The literary master Thomas Wolfe once wrote “you can’t go home again.” I guess R.Kelly wasn’t paying attention in high school English class. Chicago’s native son has come home once more, free from the turmoil and the tyranny (and the lies). He walks amongst us free to spread his message of love, hope, and loss (hopefully ,with with a smooth urban beat you can f_ck to). He is a pillar of strength in a community that once shunned him, he turns to embrace them and he is welcomed once more. After all the allegations and dragging of Robert’s name through the mud, now he is free. Free to give us the gift of music, perhaps another 12 chapters of his renowned R-n-B, operatic stylings. Free to roam highways and byways , in search lost souls who are in need of R.Kelly’s special TLC treatment (no video cameras, please). He has regained his life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And now he is free to pursue the finer things in life like marrying any underage hottie (Aaliyah we still miss you) or urinating on a “young” fan (a groupie most likely, a minor willing to do whatever it takes to impress her idol) Dumb broad, the black Pavarotti has you under his spell!
Wherever R.Kelly turns up, whether on the radio, a music video, or an 8th grade girls’ pajama party. We welcome you back into our iPods, our televisions, and most importantly, our hearts.
It’s certainly good to see you again, our beloved Pied Piper of R’nB.
Oh by the way, “TOOT, TOOT, MOFOs!”
The Kid
EDITOR’S NOTE: Normally, the length of posts are taken in account, and usually broken up by breaks or strategic wording. However, it was decided that the following rant, authored entirely by Kid Hasselhoff, was too geniusly written to cut up. Plus, we really want Ant (soulsanctified) to read it, un-edited, un-altered, and in all it’s glory. Please enjoy!
Is R. Kelly a musical genius or madman? Have you listened to the music? His music? Have you Brother soulsanctified??? Its obvious you’re missing out on the deeper meaning of the spoken word. His thought-provoking lyrics have moved millions, the prophetic tones leave goosebumps on the flesh.
The only way his music could it be better, if naked big-breasted female angels with the sweetest, most heavenly voices sang Robert’s melodies, while other naked big-breasted female angels played his compositions better than any virtuosos could possibly imagine.
I believe that Mr. Kelly is wantonly persecute because he is so GOD-damn smooth. The music just ebbs and flows from his soul, like magic. How can this man be so despised by the likes of so many. How about you try walking in Robert’s shoes?
Did you ever think….
He is like another man, he to walked the Earth and was persecuted for being different. He was trying to give us something special back to us, our wretched mortal lives (you know like salvation and stuff). You know who I’m taking, not Kane from Kung-Fu. Oh no. I’m talking about… Jesus Christ. Our Savior. The Messiah. The Pimp Most High. And yes there is a colloration between the two ( dare I state, archetypes).
Here is some of Mr. Kelly’s enlightenment… (He’ll make a believer out of you)!
R. Kelly has enriched our lives with his soulful harmonies and thus making us joyous and enriching the lives of ourselves and others . Jesus has enriched our lives by teaching us to love thy neighbor and thus paying it forward to our fellow man. R. Kelly had an alleged sex tape where he apparently engages in deviant “bumpin’-n-grindin’ ” sexual behavior. Jesus had alleged sex with hot-ass Mary Magdelene and (spoiler alert) Dan Brown writes a book about their existing descendants in the present day (Oh shit JC had kids, what the hell is going on here). Both these men’s allegations are ludacris, unfathomable, and blasphemous. Brother soulsanctified how dare you take our Lord’s name in vain. Shame on you. Shame. Shame.
You can’t help that they are THE WORLD’S GREATEST…
Here’s a thought… A theory for all you naysayers. Perhaps a young R.Kelly (let’s say 8 or 9 years old), had his 1st sexual encounter with (for the sake of argument) an 15 / 16 year old girl. And maybe, this same person urinated or defecated on the young and impressionable, Mr. Kelly. Now for some this would be considered statutory rape, torture, child endangerment, etc (for this trallop, it was just another day to deflower yet another virgin or what not). We can only imagine how this act would skew his perception of women from puberty to adulthood. As a grown man, we can imagine that having alleged sex with teenagers would seem normal. Now, I am not saying what he’s doing was right, allegedly. I’m just saying I understand his plight. One event can change your entire life and scar you.
And don’t even think of bringing up Aaliyah, she may have passed onto another plane of existence but doesn’t make her any less of HO. She did go out with Damon Dash. And you know she’s got some serious cooties.
Moving on…
Let’s that a moment to discuss the actual sex tape. This video pretty much sums it up, right…
Then again, there’s always this argument too… (please start viewing @ 1:47)
R. Kelly is not guilty of these heinous crimes, (Chappelle says so it must be true). If he is guilty of anything, it of having too much soul. Caring too much about “the kids.” The media and people like soulsanctified are lapdogs of Satan. They’ll do whatever their Master commands. The built up of this way-too-obvious witch-hunt of a trial has created a void in R-n-B, a black hole that may can never filled with the continued absence of R. Kelly music.
As the Bible states, do not judge lest ye be judged.
Brother soulsanctified know that Jesus and Robert don’t appreciated your harsh criticism. They hope that you can one day find eternal peace in your heart and absolve yourself of the darkness that perpetuates in your mind and lingers in your souls.
I rest my case.
The Kid
From the good folks at Okayplayer.
7:00 in the mornin and a bang on my cell wakes me
im stretchin and yawnin, wishin death on the whole juuury
then a voice says ‘good mornin, darlin’ from the bottom bunk
i sit up on my cot and im lookin round like ‘what the fuck?’
now i got this dumb look on my face like, ‘what did i dooo?
is my butt sore? we didnt.. god tell me this aint truuue’
had too much homemade wiine
ooh what was on my mind?
just lost my child porn case
then these dudes was in my face
sayin ‘kells, here you go just have a little moooore;
you’re stressed plus it taste just like the stuff u get out the store’
then, i put my hands in frunna me,
said ‘no i dont want none’
they looked at me like i was crazy
and said ‘come on, let’s have some fun!
u gon be here a long time.’
i said ‘please dont touch me theere’
he said ‘IS THAT WHAT THAT GIRL SAID WHEN U GOT NEKKID AND PEED EVERYWHERE?!’
i said, ’ssh! shh! quiet.. i didn’t pee on no babies!’
i said, ‘racism abounds, they tryna take a black man dooooown!
they doin me just like they did michael!’
then i think, that’s a baad example
shit.. think.. shit.. think… shit, i shouldnta said michael.
now im in this jail cell tryna figure ooout
just how to keep this man’s peeenis out my moooouth
he gets closer and says ’sit down.’
i say ‘no, im good, thank you’
takes another step with a smile on his face and says ‘nigga, iiii didn’t ASK you’
i take a big step back and say, ‘look man you gotta believe me;
im innocent, and one day soon my lawyers are gooonna free me’
he says ‘we saw the tape, and we all know that that was you;
you a child molester! do you know what’s finna happen to yooou?’
you not gonna believe it, but things get deeper as the story goes on
next thing you know there’s three more dudes; im like, ‘oh nooo’
i try my best to quickly make them get rid of their haaaate
but by the way they looked i could tell it was too late
i say ‘hey, how bout an autograph from you to me?!’
and he’s like ‘u cant write, nigga, we know that you can’t reeeead!’
then he lunges at meeee
im bangin on the bars
i says ‘dude, i didnt do nothin!’
and he says, ‘bitch, say no moooore!’
he says ‘we bout to do you like you did
that little girl on the tape!’
i say ‘what are you talkin bout?
that wasnt me on that tape!!’
‘that WAS you on that taape!’
im gettin real nervous
‘no, not ME on that tape! that’s my cousin pervis!’
‘we all saw the taaape
and that’s you on that taaaape,
you nasty muhfuuuucker!’
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