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Today’s great moment in police buffoonery comes to use from lovely Gainesville, Florida.
Police are looking into details surrounding the death of a Gainesville engineer, whose body was discovered just this week in his car although the vehicle had been ticketed seven times since the man was last seen alive.
Officers want to know how John Waldo, 42, got from Calico Jack’s Oyster Bar on SW 2nd Avenue and ended up dead in the backseat of his 2001 silver BMW 330i in College Park.
Waldo was last seen alive at the business on Feb. 11.
There could be a million explanations for this. My favorite, though, is the one where he returned to his car and died there. As opposed to, say, being dragged through the streets in broad daylight, possibly while ticket #4 was being penned. Oh, look at me being all Occam’s razor-like. I’m sorry.
“We know that he was out by himself but then he ended up with a couple of people when he left CJs,” Halvosa said. “We don’t know if he drove or if someone else drove him there,” he said about Waldo’s car being found in the 1900 block of NW 2nd Avenue.
Waldo was found seated face-forward on the passenger side of the backseat. He was fully clothed and had the car’s ignition key. A loaded pistol was discovered in the trunk of the car.
Boy, for his sake, I hope it was registered legally.
City records show a ticket officer issued seven tickets to Waldo’s BMW. The first ticket was issued on Feb. 12. Police have speculated that illegally dark window tint may have prevented ticket officers from noticing someone was slumped over in the car.
Tinted windows. This man clearly had no respect for our constitution! Dare I say it? This was a deserved death. And that handgun registration isn’t looking too likely now, either. Obviously the officer was taking it easy on poor Waldo.
Great job, guys.
So, since I made my initial post about the Stamford chimpanzee mauling incident (mediocre band name), the wildly amusing original story has taken on a life of its own thanks to what you might call a questionable editorial decision by the folks at the New York Post to run a cartoon depicting cops shooting said chimpanzee while making a remark about the recently passed stimulus plan.
As you may have guessed (and heard, by now), this just added more dimensions to an already ridiculous story. Sure, we already had people coming out saying the chimp had done a number on them previously, and the widespread debate over whether Lyme disease or Xanax may have had an effect on the chimp going ape shit. But it wouldn’t be a truly epic shitstorm unless race baiting was somehow involved.
Because that’s where Rev. Al Sharpton comes in. Naturally, The Daily News was all over the protest:
Sharpton spoke before scores of angry protesters outside the beleaguered tabloid’s midtown headquarters.
“Shut down the Post! Shut down the Post!” the racially-mixed crowd of more than 200 shouted at a noon rally.
For the sake of their editorial staff, I hope those aren’t the same 200 that still actually subscribe to the print edition.
Anyway, back on point:
“I guess they thought we were chimpanzees,” Sharpton said. “They will find out we are lions.”
SANTA PAULA — Police have shot and killed a mountain lion in a Santa Paula neighborhood, and they believe five more could be in the area.
…
Police say the lion advanced toward a resident and officers were forced to shoot it.
They’ll have to find someone else to fulfill the next Sharpton analogy.
So the ABC affiliate in New York opened up its Eyewitness News broadcast tonight with quite the breaking news story. Was it about the stimulus plan? Possibly how Wall Street shat all over it? Nope. Was it about Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez talking about “amateur hour” steroid use that he and cousin Balki allegedly engaged in that led to his failed test in 2003? Nah. This was the story they led with (via CNN):
(CNN) — A Connecticut woman pleaded for police to “please hurry” to save a friend from an attack by a pet chimpanzee, according to emotional 911 recordings released Tuesday by Stamford police.
“He’s ripping her apart,” Sandra Herold, 70, tells dispatchers about her pet, Travis.
With the chimp squealing in the background, Herold cries out, “He’s killed my friend!”
Bummer.
Wait, what?
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