By Law, We Are Required To Have A March Madness-Related Post

FINAL UPDATE: Obama wins.

3/21/09, MIDNIGHT UPDATE: I’m writing this at about midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning, just moments after I finished watching one of my Final Four teams, Wake Forest, not only lose but get absolutely embarrassed by #13 Cleveland State. With all due respect to Cleveland State… how the fuck does that happen? Now, I’ll say this. I wasn’t crazy about the Wake Forest pick when I made it. I was, shall we say, aided (hindered, really) by some statistical analysis. But the bottom line is that, as absurd as “the eyeball test” may sound, the hindsight of knowing how mediocre the Demon Deacons were down the stretch should’ve kept me from being stupid enough to pick them as a Final Four team. I still think Louisville is being overrated, but it looks like it’s their bracket. Kansas is probably the only threat left for them. I have no faith in Michigan State.

And speaking of teams I have no faith in… I’ve decided that next year in my brackets, I’m going to try to boycott any school with either decidedly Mormon ties, or that is simply located in Utah. (These two tend to go hand-in-hand anyway.) This is the second year in a row that I’ve been royally fucked by BYU, with Utah and Utah State both joining the ‘09 party, as well. I’ve had enough of this. You can bet your ass that regardless of anything that happens in or around June, the Utah Jazz will not receive consideration from this end as the NBA Champion. Fuck Utah.

And what an abortion Clemson turned out to be, too. This one’s gotta be on me. I had them going, as I recall, to the Sweet Sixteen a year ago and they choked. Still, I somehow talked myself into them this year. Once again, the numbers suggested they might have a run in them. Never mind the fact that they still can’t make a free throw that might as well have screamed at me ***PERHAPS THEY WON’T BE TRUSTWORTHY***. I figured, hey, let’s give ‘em another shot, maybe they got the choking out of their systems last year. Then they lost to a team that probably should’ve been in the NIT. (Though, to be fair, they did manage to beat Duke — an ACC team that’s better than Clemson — twice this year. Ah, more hindsight.) I think I’m going to add another rule for next year, and that’ll be to just knock Clemson out of the dance in the first round and save myself the trouble.

So, to conclude, my strategy for next year, based impulsively on the first two days of the NCAA Tournament, goes like this:

1.) Boycott Utah.
2.) Boycott any school with notable ties to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
3.) Do not, under any circumstances, believe in Clemson.*

Hey, works for me, particularly since I this year felt obligated to abandon my traditional rules of picking against Syracuse and Duke in the early rounds.

Hey, at least Siena and Wisconsin ended up winning in OT. I have to cling to as many points I can get at this point.

Enjoy the second round!

* Fuck Wake Forest.

3/21/09, 12:39 AM UPDATE: MARCH MADNESS — MESSIAH vs. ALLEGED ANTICHRIST SCOREBOARD [END OF ROUND ONE]:
I: 22
(Total Possible Points: 156)

Barack Hussein Obama: 19
(Total Possible Points: 175)

MLB To Introduce Its Version Of College Football Overtime On International Stage

It was reported yesterday by the Associated Press that Major League Baseball will implement a “ridiculed international rule” in the 2009 World Baseball Classic where teams that remain tied after 12 innings will begin every inning thereafter with multiple baserunners.

And I ask, fuck the heck are they thinking?

I mean, what is the purpose? How is giving both teams runners at first and second base to begin an inning logical in any sense? Is it supposed to make the games end quicker? Is it just there to augment low-scoring games when they get late? Is it just a rule there to help the bunt-happy Japanese actually apply their craft practically in a crucial game situation?

The Youth Of America: A Bunch of Goddamn Cheaters

Distressing is one way to term the results of a recent study conducted by the Los Angeles-based Josephson Institute, which found that a whopping 64 percent of U.S. high school students have cheated at some point during their academic career.

A truer, if considerably more crass, way to term the findings would be “fucking obvious.” I could assemble a laundry list of reasons why it makes perfect sense that a high school student wouldn’t give second thought to cheating on a test, but why bother when the experts are doing it themselves?

“The competition is greater, the pressures on kids have increased dramatically,” said Mel Riddle of the National Association of Secondary School Principals. “They have opportunities their predecessors didn’t have (to cheat). The temptation is greater.”

Worse, the American student is almost always one step ahead of the World Anti-Doping Agency, which still has yet to develop an affordable and, above all, reliable urine test that can detect traces of eyeballing.

Thankfully, some school districts have figured out how darn stressful the life of your average 14-year-old is and made adjustments to make their academic lives. Isn’t that the case, Grand Rapids, Michigan?

Obama Wins, I Ramble

The fact of the matter is that I’ve had this picture sitting on my hard drive for months and I’ve just been waiting for an excuse to post it. I think what happened tonight is a fair enough reason.

Also, with this being a blog and all, I figure I’ll go ahead and ramble a bit about all of this “historic election” jazz.

We’ll start with this: I voted for Barack Obama today. Not exactly groundbreaking stuff, given the overall tone of this blog over the past several weeks, not to mention the fact that I, in fact, fit into that key 18-24 demographic that turned out in record numbers to elect Obama as the 44th president of the United States. That being said, I wouldn’t be what you’d typically classify as a liberal (or a conservative, for that matter.) (Of course, to classify someone strictly as a liberal or a conservative based on a limited number of views is typically a flawed way of doing things, but let’s disregard that for the time being.) (Aren’t parentheses awesome?!)

I consider myself a libertarian, though, to be honest, I think I’m on the books as a Republican after voting for the comically pathetic Mitt Romney in the primary earlier in the year. Nevertheless, I have more often than not voted for the libertarian candidates on the ballot, particularly in local elections, over the past few years. The common argument against voting for a third-party candidate is that you’re essentially throwing your vote away. But the funny thing about that is that people generally resign themselves to doing the exact same thing with the whole “lesser of two evils” mindset. Look, if you think both candidates suck — say one’s an extremely divisive southern stumblefuck and the other’s some uninspiring stiff from the northeast who’d probably be overmatched in an election for middle school principal — why the hell would you vote for either one? (Seriously, why did I vote for either one? And particularly the one I voted for. What would ever possess me to do such a thing?) Wouldn’t you look for an alternative that you’d be satisfied with, rather than devaluing your vote further?

That, believe it or not, was my plan for ‘08 election. Well, the general election anyway. (Funny aside on that dipshit Romney: I live a few blocks from the polling place, and in the time it took me to walk there, cast my vote for Mitt and walk back home, he withdrew from the Republican primary, actually ensuring that I had thrown my vote away in record time.) Still, at one point the prospect of a Mike Huckabee-Hillary Clinton election seemed possible. My, how that would’ve sucked. Naturally, I figured, “hey, Ron Paul is a libertarian, he’s playing it smart, using the Republicans to get his name out there, and then he’ll pick up the Libertarian nomination and try to make a run from there.” I was on board with this idea. Sadly, the Libertarian party (or maybe Paul) was not, and instead nominated recovering Republican Bob Barr for candidacy to the highest office in the land. Yes, in effect, even the Libertarians were trotting out more of the same bullshit. That wasn’t going to fly.

Texas Principal: Hair Not A Right, A Privilege

Those quarrelsome Native Americans are at it again. Not satisfied with merely being granted permission to live in the Land of Free (not to mention the Home of the Brave!), the headdress-wearing ingrates are now trying to encroach upon liberties that they simply have no business encroaching upon.

A small rural school district in Fort Bend County and a determined mother are tangled in a dispute over hair.

Michelle Betenbaugh says her 5-year-old son, Adriel Arocha, wears his hair long because of religious beliefs tied to his Native American heritage.

But the leaders of the Needville school district have strict rules about long hair on boys and don’t see any reason to make an exception in his case.

Seems pretty cut and dry to me. The kid is going to public school, that public school has rules, and shock of shocks, he’s expected to obey them, even if he or his parents don’t agree with them.

Newsflash to Ms. Betenbaugh: the Needville board of education doesn’t just work for you, it works for the collective interest of the community’s parents. Take it from somebody who has spent countless (read, about five) evenings at school board meetings, for every liberal out there that tries to use faith as a crutch to justify their child’s hair style, there’s a conservative who knows better than to let their little boy be in proximity to a tiny queer in training. And, as many studies have shown, nothing turns a straight boy into a little flaming homosexual quicker than limiting the impressionable child’s exposure to hairdressers.

Rome is Burning – Parades

PARADES

Another burden on the heavy shoulders of our society. Parades (they should be banned). That’s right, all parades banned. “How so?” you may ask.

Let me preface by saying I support the troops and I believe that everyone should have freedom of expression (& individuality) from wherever they are from. Does this expression mean they need a parade? No! No! No!

I don’t need a group of people marching around, patting themselves on the back for killing other people in different countries and continents. Defending the nation (I mean actual invaders on American soil killing our citizens, oh yeah, we already have that they are called cops), is one thing, blowing people up (without rakes and pitchforks to ward off us, oh I mean the insurgents) in a clay hut village is something else. Honestly, when was the last time foreign soldiers “rolled-up” on the contiguousness 48 states and step foot on “The Land of Free”? Was it the war with our Mexicans neighbors to the south (we won that one, pretty easily) or the French one with Indians involved (we won that one, too), and we ended up with California (right, and chunks of Midwestern land from that other “war”) and whole bunch of “Beaners.” Sorry, no parades and hi-fives for you.

And then, we have my personal favorite… These parades from people (if I’m not mistaken) whom no longer live in the countries they originate from anymore (just visiting? get out). We should not have people celebrating their respective ethnicities / cultural-nationalist ideologies with bands, batons, stilt-walkers, sword-swallowers, fire-eaters, traffic jams and litter (more on the latter two further in the post), especially when you’re not living there anymore. This creates dissent within our fragile infrastructure, “The Home of the Brave.” Parades are like clots that buildup in blood vessels and if constantly ignored , they can cause heart attack or stroke. Our society is at risk and no cares. The US, she doesn’t have universal health care. How is she suppose take care of herself? I’ll tell you, its called preventive maintenance (a.k.a the free clinic, robotussin, tiger balm, etc). We stop the parades, we stop the degradation of our communities. Lady Liberty she has yeast infection, these parades are the disease.  I ask “what is the cure?” I’m not asking anyone to shed blood for our hallowed civilization, just to preserve our way of life. We need unity and parades create unhealthy subcultures, they tear us (society) apart and keep us from coming together in a grand alliance, feeling that good ‘ol American pride and nationalism (and hamburgers, and hot dogs, and apple pie and all the other kinds of gluttonous grub).

According, to my calculations , there are three groups of people that should have parades. They are as follow and in this order (from lowest to highest in importance);

1. Black People: Why? Because the US government won’t give them reparations for slavery (plus interest). And most importantly, they are not treated equal for no reason whatsoever. Some have theorized that Blacks are placed in impoverished environments purposefully, as to diminish their say in government and economic matters. That’s all bullshit (but that is a discussion for another day)! A word to the wise, don’t leave Chocolate City. You better be listening. Brown folks, don’t believe me? Leave the big city and take your ass to some rural area. I hope you make it back alive. Like KRS-ONE says it best “overseer, overseer, overseer, officer, officer, officer.” Parade for you? Yes.
2. Gay, lesbian, transgender, transsexual (any other sexual orientation that makes most people cringe): These upstanding citizens will never be respected for their “lifestyle choices” (even though, its not really a decision and, science has proven its genetic and, in some instances, occurs in nature). The Bible won’t allow these good people to get a fair shake in life (thanks Leviticus, asshole). I can’t speak on the other religions, but I’m sure their viewpoints don’t deviate that much from the Christian faith. Besides, the NYC Halloween parade rocks! Parade for you? Hell, yes.
3. The American Indian: The most deserving of the bunch. When was the last time you’ve seen two American Indians in the same room, at the same time, not in a (reservation / converted) casino? I’ll tell you, none. These people have been pretty much been battered, maimed, killed, diseased, and intentionally displaced (many, many times over). The US gov’t has a history of reneging and lying to these “noble savages” so many times, that they aren’t enough them around to sue the government. And who the hell describes you as being a noble savage (I hope that guy is burning in hell and being anally violated by fiery three-pronged pitchforks, fun times dick). Parade for you? Hell fricking yes, with 1st class air and hotel accommodations.

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The Kid’s Course of Action: In my universe, for all those who would petition for a parade, these are my super-stern stipulations (the three parades, mentioned above, are exempt from the below);

• For 1/16 of parade trail, the participants must walk barefoot in human feces (no other animal feces allowed)
• For 1/16 of parade trail, the participants must walk on barefoot on broken glass and iron spikes
• For 1/8 of the parade tail, the participants must walk barefoot on hot coals and fiery puddles of kerosene.

Why, when parade goers are done 1) walking and peeling off the shit from their feet, they can pick up and toss it into a nearby park, to fertilize the soil (for the environment’s sake), 2) pick up and recycle the bloody glass and iron, because hey its renewable resource (I care about more the enviroment and climate change then self-centered fuckers who cherish their sacred parades) and 3) who doesn’t get kick out of people stupid enough to walk on something that literally burns / cooks you. Jerks! _______________________________________________________________________________________________

All in all, what are you accomplishing with a parade? Nothing. Parades are creating gridlock and traffic congestion which can really hurt commerce. The retail (not food and hospitality) industry don’t gain that much business from the increased foot traffic. It’s been proven. Not to mention the excessive debauchery, whether of sexual /deviant / predatory nature or partaking in the “devil’s nectar.” Oh, how could i forget the amount of fricking litter is generated by parades? Tons. Literally, the filthy bastards generate so much, that the Sanitation Dept. (who get paid well over their hourly wages), needs all kinds of equipment to clean it up. And, of course, the increased police presence because some people don’t know how to behave themselves. Thanks for ruining the experience for everyone else there.

Some will say to me, <in a whiny, and must-have small testicle voice> “oh, it’s all about learning other people’s cultures and traditions.” Here’s my rebuttal, “oh really, are your women hot and / or does your food taste good?” If the answer to either of these questions yes, then I’ll be getting more involved with learning about your C-U-L-T-U-R-E.

This unnecessary assembly is a perpetual onslaught, that will continue tearing the fabric of our society. Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams, kids. Oh where did they go? I don’t know, maybe you should look under all that filthy litter the parade left behind and while you’re there, see if you can find all our wasted tax dollars.

No parades means saving America, even it’s a little bit at a time.

I hope all the parade loving bitches go to hell, from sea to shining sea!

The Kid

Toiletpalooza ‘08 Revisited

As mentioned here, I recently ventured out to Yankee Stadium, Red Sox cap in tow, for a pair of games involving the 26-Time World Champion New York Yankees and the…shit, let’s go with Two-Time World Champion Toronto Blue Jays (the Toronto fanbase isn’t quite as forthcoming with this statistic, but I’m pretty sure their back-to-back wins in ‘92 and ‘93 were the franchise’s only titles).

I was originally supposed to only attend Tuesday’s game, as I rushed to my computer and bought a ticket for the game on Friday when it was announced that the Yankees were going to fuck their own world up by transferring relief ace Joba Chamberlain to the starting rotation. They had originally planned to have him make this transition in spring training, but then decided, nah, we’ll leave him in the bullpen. About a month later, though, they realized their starters suck, and concluded that they’d made a huge mistake by leaving Joba in the pen. But there was a solution! They could progressively build up his endurance by facing Major League hitters in high-stress, late game situations! Surely, this plan could not fail.

Rebuttal: R.Kelly “Trapped in the Jail Cell”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Normally, the length of posts are taken in account, and usually broken up by breaks or strategic wording. However, it was decided that the following rant, authored entirely by Kid Hasselhoff, was too geniusly written to cut up. Plus, we really want Ant (soulsanctified) to read it, un-edited, un-altered, and in all it’s glory. Please enjoy!

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Is R. Kelly a musical genius or madman? Have you listened to the music? His music? Have you Brother soulsanctified??? Its obvious you’re missing out on the deeper meaning of the spoken word. His thought-provoking lyrics have moved millions, the prophetic tones leave goosebumps on the flesh.

The only way his music could it be better, if naked big-breasted female angels with the sweetest, most heavenly voices sang Robert’s melodies, while other naked big-breasted female angels played his compositions better than any virtuosos could possibly imagine.

I believe that Mr. Kelly is wantonly persecute because he is so GOD-damn smooth. The music just ebbs and flows from his soul, like magic. How can this man be so despised by the likes of so many. How about you try walking in Robert’s shoes?

Did you ever think….

He is like another man, he to walked the Earth and was persecuted for being different. He was trying to give us something special back to us, our wretched mortal lives (you know like salvation and stuff). You know who I’m taking, not Kane from Kung-Fu. Oh no. I’m talking about… Jesus Christ. Our Savior. The Messiah. The Pimp Most High. And yes there is a colloration between the two ( dare I state, archetypes).

Here is some of Mr. Kelly’s enlightenment… (He’ll make a believer out of you)!

R. Kelly has enriched our lives with his soulful harmonies and thus making us joyous and enriching the lives of ourselves and others . Jesus has enriched our lives by teaching us to love thy neighbor and thus paying it forward to our fellow man. R. Kelly had an alleged sex tape where he apparently engages in deviant “bumpin’-n-grindin’ ” sexual behavior. Jesus had alleged sex with hot-ass Mary Magdelene and (spoiler alert) Dan Brown writes a book about their existing descendants in the present day (Oh shit JC had kids, what the hell is going on here). Both these men’s allegations are ludacris, unfathomable, and blasphemous. Brother soulsanctified how dare you take our Lord’s name in vain. Shame on you. Shame. Shame.

You can’t help that they are THE WORLD’S GREATEST…

Here’s a thought… A theory for all you naysayers. Perhaps a young R.Kelly (let’s say 8 or 9 years old), had his 1st sexual encounter with (for the sake of argument) an 15 / 16 year old girl. And maybe, this same person urinated or defecated on the young and impressionable, Mr. Kelly. Now for some this would be considered statutory rape, torture, child endangerment, etc (for this trallop, it was just another day to deflower yet another virgin or what not). We can only imagine how this act would skew his perception of women from puberty to adulthood. As a grown man, we can imagine that having alleged sex with teenagers would seem normal. Now, I am not saying what he’s doing was right, allegedly. I’m just saying I understand his plight. One event can change your entire life and scar you.

And don’t even think of bringing up Aaliyah, she may have passed onto another plane of existence but doesn’t make her any less of HO. She did go out with Damon Dash. And you know she’s got some serious cooties.

Moving on…

Let’s that a moment to discuss the actual sex tape. This video pretty much sums it up, right…

Then again, there’s always this argument too… (please start viewing @ 1:47)

more about “test“, posted with vodpod

R. Kelly is not guilty of these heinous crimes, (Chappelle says so it must be true). If he is guilty of anything, it of having too much soul. Caring too much about “the kids.” The media and people like soulsanctified are lapdogs of Satan. They’ll do whatever their Master commands. The built up of this way-too-obvious witch-hunt of a trial has created a void in R-n-B, a black hole that may can never filled with the continued absence of R. Kelly music.

As the Bible states, do not judge lest ye be judged.

Brother soulsanctified know that Jesus and Robert don’t appreciated your harsh criticism. They hope that you can one day find eternal peace in your heart and absolve yourself of the darkness that perpetuates in your mind and lingers in your souls.

I rest my case.

The Kid

Dear Hillary: Please let go. Thanks!

So I was watching Hillary’s speech last night. You know, the night where Obama received enough votes to become the Democratic Party Nominee.

It is clearly evident that she can not handle the reality of losing. At no point did she concede the nomination to Obama and at no point did she admit she lost. She said “I am making no decisions tonight.” WTF? What she did include in the speech were her agendas and “what she wants to do.” Now, if I hadn’t known that Obama finally won this drawn out race, I would have been under the impression that we were just beginning this competition.

Ya know, it’s like when you break up with your girlfriend and she doesn’t understand it’s over. She calls you to talk things out and hopes to rekindle the relationship, but there’s nothing there anymore. It’s over. She says “But it was meant to be.” Well, I’m sorry, but things just didn’t work out.

Hillary, things just didn’t work out. Sorry. Good luck in the future. Please do the classy thing and give Obama your full support and stop trying to steal the attention.

Please let go.

I just had to get that rant out.

(Sub)[urban]ism -vs- (pc)ism -vs- Gabe(ism): A multi-part series

Sub-Urban-ism:

Sub-urban-ism are words most commonly used in “da hood,” “da ghetto,” The Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY. Ebonics, black-speak, chocolate-rain, jive-talking are different variations of this amazing dialect.

Unfortunately, these words are also commonly used by wiggers, strip mall dirtbags, frat boys and their associates (a.k.a. bros) as a means to make themselves seem like they’re “da shit” and more in tune with whats “down” with brown folks (homies). These are despicable creatures that need to be ridiculed on site. Their constant abuse of urbandictionary.com (and the like) garner them high marks for tomfoolery and douchebaggery.

PC-ism:

PC-ism (a.ka. politically correct) version of sub-urban-ism. There may have underlying racial undertones and / or stereotypes without classifying the user as a bigot or bias against any distinctive persons. Also, these allow the user to fire remarks that create generalizations about someone or something, without the serious recuperations . Mostly used around office spaces and /or work related functions and people you just don’t like. People who use these on daily basis are fake mofos and are not your friends. Some pc-isms are classified as positive racism.

Gabe-ism:

Gabe-ism is a state of being coined by a oblivious racist named Gabriel P. Essentially, this is positive racism gone horribly wrong. These remarks will offend anyone and everyone within an earshot. These statements are similar to things you would here from a hate group.

Now there’s one subject matter that everyone can agree upon… Titties (especially big breastesses). Do you know when to use the correct vernacular for describing some hefty chesticles? What can only be described as “the filet mignon of the mammaries” never ceases to amaze the human eye (and the male loins). Whether you like them big or small you can’t help but to gawk in awe.

Hence the need for Sub-Urban-ism, PC-ism, and Gabe-ism.

Tits: Titties, Breasts, Chest Handles, Speed Bumps, etc.

(Sub)[Urban]ism:

Big ‘Ol Titties or Tig Bitties

(PC)ism:

The technology to capture beams of God’s love hasn’t been invented yet.

Gabe(ism):

Why did _____________ (insert ethically large breasted woman’s name here) get mad when I said, if her brains were as big as breasts, she would need to be fucking her boss for the X-Mas bonus.

I welcome any suggestions.

Peace out,

The Kid.