Rebuttal: R.Kelly “Trapped in the Jail Cell”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Normally, the length of posts are taken in account, and usually broken up by breaks or strategic wording. However, it was decided that the following rant, authored entirely by Kid Hasselhoff, was too geniusly written to cut up. Plus, we really want Ant (soulsanctified) to read it, un-edited, un-altered, and in all it’s glory. Please enjoy!


Is R. Kelly a musical genius or madman? Have you listened to the music? His music? Have you Brother soulsanctified??? Its obvious you’re missing out on the deeper meaning of the spoken word. His thought-provoking lyrics have moved millions, the prophetic tones leave goosebumps on the flesh.

The only way his music could it be better, if naked big-breasted female angels with the sweetest, most heavenly voices sang Robert’s melodies, while other naked big-breasted female angels played his compositions better than any virtuosos could possibly imagine.

I believe that Mr. Kelly is wantonly persecute because he is so GOD-damn smooth. The music just ebbs and flows from his soul, like magic. How can this man be so despised by the likes of so many. How about you try walking in Robert’s shoes?

Did you ever think….

He is like another man, he to walked the Earth and was persecuted for being different. He was trying to give us something special back to us, our wretched mortal lives (you know like salvation and stuff). You know who I’m taking, not Kane from Kung-Fu. Oh no. I’m talking about… Jesus Christ. Our Savior. The Messiah. The Pimp Most High. And yes there is a colloration between the two ( dare I state, archetypes).

Here is some of Mr. Kelly’s enlightenment… (He’ll make a believer out of you)!

R. Kelly has enriched our lives with his soulful harmonies and thus making us joyous and enriching the lives of ourselves and others . Jesus has enriched our lives by teaching us to love thy neighbor and thus paying it forward to our fellow man. R. Kelly had an alleged sex tape where he apparently engages in deviant “bumpin’-n-grindin’ ” sexual behavior. Jesus had alleged sex with hot-ass Mary Magdelene and (spoiler alert) Dan Brown writes a book about their existing descendants in the present day (Oh shit JC had kids, what the hell is going on here). Both these men’s allegations are ludacris, unfathomable, and blasphemous. Brother soulsanctified how dare you take our Lord’s name in vain. Shame on you. Shame. Shame.

You can’t help that they are THE WORLD’S GREATEST…

Here’s a thought… A theory for all you naysayers. Perhaps a young R.Kelly (let’s say 8 or 9 years old), had his 1st sexual encounter with (for the sake of argument) an 15 / 16 year old girl. And maybe, this same person urinated or defecated on the young and impressionable, Mr. Kelly. Now for some this would be considered statutory rape, torture, child endangerment, etc (for this trallop, it was just another day to deflower yet another virgin or what not). We can only imagine how this act would skew his perception of women from puberty to adulthood. As a grown man, we can imagine that having alleged sex with teenagers would seem normal. Now, I am not saying what he’s doing was right, allegedly. I’m just saying I understand his plight. One event can change your entire life and scar you.

And don’t even think of bringing up Aaliyah, she may have passed onto another plane of existence but doesn’t make her any less of HO. She did go out with Damon Dash. And you know she’s got some serious cooties.

Moving on…

Let’s that a moment to discuss the actual sex tape. This video pretty much sums it up, right…

Then again, there’s always this argument too… (please start viewing @ 1:47)
Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “test“, posted with vodpod

R. Kelly is not guilty of these heinous crimes, (Chappelle says so it must be true). If he is guilty of anything, it of having too much soul. Caring too much about “the kids.” The media and people like soulsanctified are lapdogs of Satan. They’ll do whatever their Master commands. The built up of this way-too-obvious witch-hunt of a trial has created a void in R-n-B, a black hole that may can never filled with the continued absence of R. Kelly music.

As the Bible states, do not judge lest ye be judged.

Brother soulsanctified know that Jesus and Robert don’t appreciated your harsh criticism. They hope that you can one day find eternal peace in your heart and absolve yourself of the darkness that perpetuates in your mind and lingers in your souls.

I rest my case.

The Kid

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About kidhasselhoff

In the english language, (neither american nor british) I'm what's refered to as a jerkoff. I'm old enough to screw your mom (and yes i have literally screwed a few moms in my day). I'm the guy who picks his nose and wipes the booger on someone else. Like i said i'm a jerkoff. GET OVER IT! View all posts by kidhasselhoff

2 responses to “Rebuttal: R.Kelly “Trapped in the Jail Cell”

  • soulsanctified

    Well, well, well. And so it begins. Like my boy in Menace to Society said, “You know you done fucked up right”. Look for my response coming soon (hint- it will be posted the day Kellz is found GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS!!!

  • kidhasselhoff

    soulsanctified, I appreciate your comments. I welcome our continued debate on the subject as it pertains to where Mr. Kelly deposits his urine. I, too, have some wisdom to dispense…

    “You are a lover, borrow cupid’s wings, and soar with them above a common bound.”

    Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, Mercucio, Act 3:Scene 4

    And remember Jesus (and Robert) loves you. Amen.

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