Rome is Burning – Parades


Another burden on the heavy shoulders of our society. Parades (they should be banned). That’s right, all parades banned. “How so?” you may ask.

Let me preface by saying I support the troops and I believe that everyone should have freedom of expression (& individuality) from wherever they are from. Does this expression mean they need a parade? No! No! No!

I don’t need a group of people marching around, patting themselves on the back for killing other people in different countries and continents. Defending the nation (I mean actual invaders on American soil killing our citizens, oh yeah, we already have that they are called cops), is one thing, blowing people up (without rakes and pitchforks to ward off us, oh I mean the insurgents) in a clay hut village is something else. Honestly, when was the last time foreign soldiers “rolled-up” on the contiguousness 48 states and step foot on “The Land of Free”? Was it the war with our Mexicans neighbors to the south (we won that one, pretty easily) or the French one with Indians involved (we won that one, too), and we ended up with California (right, and chunks of Midwestern land from that other “war”) and whole bunch of “Beaners.” Sorry, no parades and hi-fives for you.

And then, we have my personal favorite… These parades from people (if I’m not mistaken) whom no longer live in the countries they originate from anymore (just visiting? get out). We should not have people celebrating their respective ethnicities / cultural-nationalist ideologies with bands, batons, stilt-walkers, sword-swallowers, fire-eaters, traffic jams and litter (more on the latter two further in the post), especially when you’re not living there anymore. This creates dissent within our fragile infrastructure, “The Home of the Brave.” Parades are like clots that buildup in blood vessels and if constantly ignored , they can cause heart attack or stroke. Our society is at risk and no cares. The US, she doesn’t have universal health care. How is she suppose take care of herself? I’ll tell you, its called preventive maintenance (a.k.a the free clinic, robotussin, tiger balm, etc). We stop the parades, we stop the degradation of our communities. Lady Liberty she has yeast infection, these parades are the disease.  I ask “what is the cure?” I’m not asking anyone to shed blood for our hallowed civilization, just to preserve our way of life. We need unity and parades create unhealthy subcultures, they tear us (society) apart and keep us from coming together in a grand alliance, feeling that good ‘ol American pride and nationalism (and hamburgers, and hot dogs, and apple pie and all the other kinds of gluttonous grub).

According, to my calculations , there are three groups of people that should have parades. They are as follow and in this order (from lowest to highest in importance);

  1. Black People: Why? Because the US government won’t give them reparations for slavery (plus interest). And most importantly, they are not treated equal for no reason whatsoever. Some have theorized that Blacks are placed in impoverished environments purposefully, as to diminish their say in government and economic matters. That’s all bullshit (but that is a discussion for another day)! A word to the wise, don’t leave Chocolate City. You better be listening. Brown folks, don’t believe me? Leave the big city and take your ass to some rural area. I hope you make it back alive. Like KRS-ONE says it best “overseer, overseer, overseer, officer, officer, officer.” Parade for you? Yes.
  2. Gay, lesbian, transgender, transsexual (any other sexual orientation that makes most people cringe): These upstanding citizens will never be respected for their “lifestyle choices” (even though, its not really a decision and, science has proven its genetic and, in some instances, occurs in nature). The Bible won’t allow these good people to get a fair shake in life (thanks Leviticus, asshole). I can’t speak on the other religions, but I’m sure their viewpoints don’t deviate that much from the Christian faith. Besides, the NYC Halloween parade rocks! Parade for you? Hell, yes.
  3. The American Indian: The most deserving of the bunch. When was the last time you’ve seen two American Indians in the same room, at the same time, not in a (reservation / converted) casino? I’ll tell you, none. These people have been pretty much been battered, maimed, killed, diseased, and intentionally displaced (many, many times over). The US gov’t has a history of reneging and lying to these “noble savages” so many times, that they aren’t enough them around to sue the government. And who the hell describes you as being a noble savage (I hope that guy is burning in hell and being anally violated by fiery three-pronged pitchforks, fun times dick). Parade for you? Hell fricking yes, with 1st class air and hotel accommodations.


The Kid’s Course of Action: In my universe, for all those who would petition for a parade, these are my super-stern stipulations (the three parades, mentioned above, are exempt from the below);

  • For 1/16 of parade trail, the participants must walk barefoot in human feces (no other animal feces allowed)
  • For 1/16 of parade trail, the participants must walk on barefoot on broken glass and iron spikes
  • For 1/8 of the parade tail, the participants must walk barefoot on hot coals and fiery puddles of kerosene.

Why, when parade goers are done 1) walking and peeling off the shit from their feet, they can pick up and toss it into a nearby park, to fertilize the soil (for the environment’s sake), 2) pick up and recycle the bloody glass and iron, because hey its renewable resource (I care about more the enviroment and climate change then self-centered fuckers who cherish their sacred parades) and 3) who doesn’t get kick out of people stupid enough to walk on something that literally burns / cooks you. Jerks! _______________________________________________________________________________________________

All in all, what are you accomplishing with a parade? Nothing. Parades are creating gridlock and traffic congestion which can really hurt commerce. The retail (not food and hospitality) industry don’t gain that much business from the increased foot traffic. It’s been proven. Not to mention the excessive debauchery, whether of sexual /deviant / predatory nature or partaking in the “devil’s nectar.” Oh, how could i forget the amount of fricking litter is generated by parades? Tons. Literally, the filthy bastards generate so much, that the Sanitation Dept. (who get paid well over their hourly wages), needs all kinds of equipment to clean it up. And, of course, the increased police presence because some people don’t know how to behave themselves. Thanks for ruining the experience for everyone else there.

Some will say to me, <in a whiny, and must-have small testicle voice> “oh, it’s all about learning other people’s cultures and traditions.” Here’s my rebuttal, “oh really, are your women hot and / or does your food taste good?” If the answer to either of these questions yes, then I’ll be getting more involved with learning about your C-U-L-T-U-R-E.

This unnecessary assembly is a perpetual onslaught, that will continue tearing the fabric of our society. Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams, kids. Oh where did they go? I don’t know, maybe you should look under all that filthy litter the parade left behind and while you’re there, see if you can find all our wasted tax dollars.

No parades means saving America, even it’s a little bit at a time.

I hope all the parade loving bitches go to hell, from sea to shining sea!

The Kid


About kidhasselhoff

In the english language, (neither american nor british) I'm what's refered to as a jerkoff. I'm old enough to screw your mom (and yes i have literally screwed a few moms in my day). I'm the guy who picks his nose and wipes the booger on someone else. Like i said i'm a jerkoff. GET OVER IT! View all posts by kidhasselhoff

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