Cocktail Weeners for Everyone – R.Kelly

The musical incarnation, whose earthbound persona we know (and love) as R.Kelly is not guilty on all 14 counts (of simple misunderstandings and mistaken identity). Now, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but they could not keep my boy down. Mr. Kelly rose to the occasion in true form, a class act in every sense. He embodies the statesmanship-like qualities of Lincoln. Like honest Abe, he emancipated (all the wrongly-accused brothers who could not be heard, seen, or freed, but suffered nonetheless) himself, from shackles of an evil empire (this is not my sinister society) and proclaimed his innocence without speaking a word.

I can only imagine if he portrayed a modern-day Moses (vintage Moses said to the Pharaoh of Egypt “LET MY PEOPLE GO!”). Similarly, Kelly would utter to the jury “I DIDN”T PEE ON NO LIL HO!” His words would uplift us and fill us with glee. And an angry God would smite his foes and lead him to the Promised Land. Oh yeah, that’s already happened and it only took 6 years (instead of forty years). Take that Moses, and your magical staff!

The literary master Thomas Wolfe once wrote “you can’t go home again.” I guess R.Kelly wasn’t paying attention in high school English class. Chicago’s native son has come home once more, free from the turmoil and the tyranny (and the lies). He walks amongst us free to spread his message of love, hope, and loss (hopefully ,with with a smooth urban beat you can f_ck to). He is a pillar of strength in a community that once shunned him, he turns to embrace them and he is welcomed once more. After all the allegations and dragging of Robert’s name through the mud, now he is free. Free to give us the gift of music, perhaps another 12 chapters of his renowned R-n-B, operatic stylings. Free to roam highways and byways , in search lost souls who are in need of R.Kelly’s special TLC treatment (no video cameras, please). He has regained his life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And now he is free to pursue the finer things in life like marrying any underage hottie (Aaliyah we still miss you) or urinating on a “young” fan (a groupie most likely, a minor willing to do whatever it takes to impress her idol) Dumb broad, the black Pavarotti has you under his spell!

Wherever R.Kelly turns up, whether on the radio, a music video, or an 8th grade girls’ pajama party. We welcome you back into our iPods, our televisions, and most importantly, our hearts.

It’s certainly good to see you again, our beloved Pied Piper of R’nB.

Oh by the way, “TOOT, TOOT, MOFOs!”

The Kid


About kidhasselhoff

In the english language, (neither american nor british) I'm what's refered to as a jerkoff. I'm old enough to screw your mom (and yes i have literally screwed a few moms in my day). I'm the guy who picks his nose and wipes the booger on someone else. Like i said i'm a jerkoff. GET OVER IT! View all posts by kidhasselhoff

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