Texas Principal: Hair Not A Right, A Privilege

Get a haircut, Pocahontas Boy.

Those quarrelsome Native Americans are at it again. Not satisfied with merely being granted permission to live in the Land of Free (not to mention the Home of the Brave!), the headdress-wearing ingrates are now trying to encroach upon liberties that they simply have no business encroaching upon.

A small rural school district in Fort Bend County and a determined mother are tangled in a dispute over hair.

Michelle Betenbaugh says her 5-year-old son, Adriel Arocha, wears his hair long because of religious beliefs tied to his Native American heritage.

But the leaders of the Needville school district have strict rules about long hair on boys and don’t see any reason to make an exception in his case.

Seems pretty cut and dry to me. The kid is going to public school, that public school has rules, and shock of shocks, he’s expected to obey them, even if he or his parents don’t agree with them.

Newsflash to Ms. Betenbaugh: the Needville board of education doesn’t just work for you, it works for the collective interest of the community’s parents. Take it from somebody who has spent countless (read, about five) evenings at school board meetings, for every liberal out there that tries to use faith as a crutch to justify their child’s hair style, there’s a conservative who knows better than to let their little boy be in proximity to a tiny queer in training. And, as many studies have shown, nothing turns a straight boy into a little flaming homosexual quicker than limiting the impressionable child’s exposure to hairdressers.

Now, I don’t have a child of my own (If you’re reading this, stop calling me. You know who you are.), but if I did, I’d make sure to take him (the man decides the gender, and you bet I’m picking boy — plus a girl doesn’t make any sense for this purely hypothetical situation) to the priciest, ritziest, most overtly unhetero salon I could find. Oh, he’d try to resist, but as I am a brute of a human being, I would easily overpower and subdue the small child, to the point where if I had to carry him into the establishment I would.

“I’m doing this for your own good,” I’d explain to him while violently throwing him into the barber’s chair. “You’ll thank me on your wedding day.” Then I’d tell the scissors-wielding fairy to stop fucking around, get the razor out, and go #1 all over junior’s head.

Realizing the thought process of the average sodomite, I’d explain that my request had nothing to do with urine.

Once I was assured that my drift had been caught, I’d sit back and watch as a grown “man” who identifies himself as Fifi shears all but approximately a quarter inch of hair from my son’s dome. It’d bring back such fond memories of when I was his age and I’d spend ten bucks a week at John Christopher’s to be made as close to bald as was permissible at Catholic school. (Sadly, this era came to an end after I sustained a concussion during a pickup football game and was advised not to shave my head for some time. I don’t remember who told me this — I had a concussion — but I can confirm to you that there’s a certain point in his life where a man can grow his hair long and not worry about catching the gay. [I’m afraid I can’t reveal the exact benchmark at this time — you’re not getting the satisfaction.]

When the haircut was finished, I’d have my son look into the mirror and examine the new skinhead look he’d been given. If he was anything like his old man, he’d wonder to himself, “Why did my dad do this to me?” And I’d just point to that mirror and say, “Son, that’s what a man looks like.” And then I’d point to Fifi, with his fake tan, and, oh yes, long hair (longer than mine) with goddamn flowers in it — how do you even live with yourself, man? — and say, “And that’s what you look like when you’re a fag.”

See, if it was up to me, that’s something that they’d teach in the public schools. I’d wager that that’s somewhere where Ms. Betenbaugh and I would differ.

But really, isn’t that what makes America great? Freedom of expression. She’s allowed to make her point in the press, I’m allowed to respond on this nifty blog, and then the board of education makes the final decision and we both must respect and honor their decision. Isn’t that how our forefathers drew it up, though? I wouldn’t be surprised if it said in the constitution that men were to maintain short hair at all times. Back in George Washington’s day, for instance, it would’ve made it a heck of a lot easier to don those ferociously manly wigs.

I hate to single Ms. Betenbaugh out here, but her outrage kind of triggered some thoughts that I’ve been sitting on for a while. When did this country become so selfish and disrespectful towards authority? If a powerful figure tells you to do something, why ask questions? Would this figure be in power if he or she — again, more likely he — was ill-equipped for that role? In a democracy, no less? Look, I’ve had a run in or two with Johnny Law, like the time I got pulled over for going eight miles per hour under the speed limit in a construction zone — I guess I was driving too slow, but everything was cool after the dogs left — but never have I felt the need to ask questions. These people know what they’re doing.

What the typical American is doing, I’ve found, is taking unfair advantage of the constitution. “Freedom of speech” doesn’t mean bash the president, it means bash the Queen of England — that withered old hag, the leader of some powerless antiquated faux leadership group that’s like the Hiltons beaten with an ugly stick and then run over with an age steamroller. “Freedom of religion” means worship whatever deity you choose, so long as your beliefs aren’t in violation with federal, state or local regulations. Let’s use another hypothetical here, and it’s purely hypothetical — I’m actually an ordained Christian minister (just like Reverend Camden from 7th Heaven — don’t read too much into that analogy) — wherein I establish a religion, let’s call it Murderism. And as a Murderist, it is my belief that I must kill people to please a higher being, who we’ll refer to as Shooter McKill. Now, just because this is my belief system, should I be able to arbitrarily walk around and kill people to satiate my messiah’s bloodlust? I’d say no.

But don’t tell that to your faith liberals like Ms. Betenbaugh (again, I’m sorry to single her out). She seems to think that just because her son’s spirituality is different from that of other students that he should be exempt from the regulations set forth by the school board. That’s not freedom of speech or freedom of religion, that’s just bullshit.

Look, our forefathers were gracious enough to turn over some of the land they discovered to the Native Americans and let them just sort of hang out while we turned the East Indies into America. And to their credit, the Indians have played the hand they were dealt to this point with significant aplomb. But now they’re starting to get a little big for their britches. Today they’re asking for their own hair styles, what will tomorrow bring? Exclusive fashions? Special housing? Private tracts of land?

No, we mustn’t give in. Even if they threaten to use force — didn’t these people popularize scalping? — we cannot allow these Natives to let their children grow their hair out. We have come too far and made too many strides to begin making concessions now.

This, Native Americans, is America, where there are two simple choices: love it or leave it. So either have your kids man up, get their heads shaved and then ship them off to school so they can learn how to behave as individuals in a controlled classroom environment, or kindly give us back the land that we so graciously handed to you so many years ago.

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4 responses to “Texas Principal: Hair Not A Right, A Privilege

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