It’s 12:17 AM. Barack Obama just delivered his first speech as the official, soon-to-be-official President of the United States. Millions across the country and around the world cheer loudly, proud to see that the candidate that they have supported over the past two years has finally reached the destination he rightfully deserves. This is a day, momentously unrivaled by any other this nation has seen. The first black president. Amazing.
And there’s you. The McCain supporter. The McCain supporter, face hole gaping, still almost in disbelief, if of course the rock you have lived under for the past month has no internet connection. Like a young boy or girl experiencing the exciting, yet scary joy of puberty, there are many stages you must be going through on your journey into Obamahood.
Relax. Take a deep breath, and know that it will be OK. I’ve written a handy dandy guide that helps you identify where you are in this overwhelming time of US history. Trust me, by accurately identifying the underlying symptoms you may be going through, you may actually be able to live peaceably for the next four years, like the sane, knowledgeable, and hopeful 50% of the country:
Overview: The news of Barack Obama becoming president has forced a new-found disgust in the land you call home, so much that you have elected to move to countries you couldn’t have any less knowledge about.
Symptoms: “I’m moving to Canada” ; “I’m out of here, this country’s fucked!” ; “Russia, here I come”
Diagnosis: A common side-effect associated with sore-loser syndrome. Usually, people self-medicate by hating on the country that gave them constitutional rights to pretty much do whatever the hell they want, and feel the need to voice their over-exaggerating claim that they’d be willing to relocate rather than suck it up and deal with it. The point is that Canadians don’t want to hear your bitch ass complaining about how cold it is, and frankly their strip-club bouncers are tired of tossing you out when you vacation rowdily. Taking a closer look at the greater world outside the US makes your ability to binge drinking and other masochistic behavior seem so much peachier.
Overview: Your inner cynic and need to be the thunderous downpour on this great parade urges you to undermine the very things you might have believed in, attempting to downplay any legitimate and viable agenda brought forth by Obama by appending an obnoxious “So what?!” to everything.
Symptoms: “Change isn’t going to come in a day, you know!” ; “Black president, sch-mack president. He’s just the first one, WOW, so un-impressed”
Diagnosis: An American writer Ambrose Bierce wrote of cynics: A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. An American catch phrase speaks of the thoughts of cynics: No shit, Sherlock. As a cynical member of the losing team, you’re trying to ball home so no one gets to play with it, despite the game having already been won. You feel compelled to call out people on notions you presume they hold, assuming that everyone is expecting “instant results”, yet fail to remember chanting McCain’s “Drill, baby, drill” marching orders thinking it will drop the price of gas the next day. The reality is that most intelligent people who have listened and understood Obama’s plan for this country know that change isn’t a quick fix. It involves hard-work, dedication, and faith. And the fact that he has become the first black president doesn’t strike you as significant to you at this moment, clearly demonstrates a failure to recognize this is as a completely earth-shattering moment in American history, affecting everything for future generations from here on out.
Overview: The mere utterance of “Barack” or “Obama” stirs emotions, ranging from “terrorist”, “socialist”, and “communist”. You boo’d him when McCain so deftly shit-talked him on the campaign and his consession speech, thinks his year at the age of 10 was spent assisting in domestic terrorist attacks with William Ayers, and assume he personally signed “Mickey Mouse” and “Donald Duck” on the clipboards of the voter registeration workers of ACORN. You still can’t help but insert “Hussein” when refering to him to others, and can’t shake the feeling that Obama single-handedly perpetrated and executed the September 11 attacks.
Diagnosis: Simply put, you’re a racist. Whether you alluded to it, or directly said it, you’re a racist. If you haven’t been able to tell distinguish these political allegations of “palling around with terrorists”, “who’s the real Barack Obama”, or “knowing the extend of his relations”, well, then you’re a retarded racist. And may god have mercy on your soul.