Mild Mannered House Chimp Gets His Disgruntled Postman On

chimpgun

So the ABC affiliate in New York opened up its Eyewitness News broadcast tonight with quite the breaking news story. Was it about the stimulus plan? Possibly how Wall Street shat all over it? Nope. Was it about Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez talking about “amateur hour” steroid use that he and cousin Balki allegedly engaged in that led to his failed test in 2003? Nah. This was the story they led with (via CNN):

(CNN) — A Connecticut woman pleaded for police to “please hurry” to save a friend from an attack by a pet chimpanzee, according to emotional 911 recordings released Tuesday by Stamford police.

“He’s ripping her apart,” Sandra Herold, 70, tells dispatchers about her pet, Travis.

With the chimp squealing in the background, Herold cries out, “He’s killed my friend!”

Bummer.

Wait, what?

The victim, Charla Nash, 55, remains hospitalized with life-threatening injuries after the chimp, once featured in television commercials for Coca-Cola and Old Navy, attacked her Monday afternoon, police said.

Nash had just arrived at Herold’s house when Travis jumped on her and began biting and mauling her, causing serious injuries to her face, neck and hands, according to Stamford Police Capt. Rich Conklin. Conklin said the attack was unprovoked, but he described it as “brutal and lengthy.”

Huh. That’s peculiar. Why would a rich and famous chimpanzee conduct himself in this manner?

Herold had called Nash to her house to help get 14-year-old Travis back inside after he used a key to escape.

Yes, this ape, in an apparent PCP rage, had the forethought to procure and properly use a key to go for a casual stroll through the neighborhood. Or so he thought.

Needless to say, when he was captured and brought back to his Stamford estate, he was not a happy camper.

While her friend was being attacked, Herold was unable to pull the primate off. She then called 911 before stabbing the chimp with a butcher knife and hitting him with a shovel. Neither fazed Travis, who police said had been like a child to Herold.

Except, ya know, less evolved.

And speaking of the less evolved:

A Stamford police officer later shot the chimp multiple times after the primate went after him inside a police cruiser, Conklin said. Travis returned to the house, where police found him dead.

No word on if the cops had simply mistaken him for a barking dog.

Conklin couldn’t confirm media reports that the chimp had Lyme disease, though he did say investigators were taking their time with the case to determine what may have provoked Travis to attack Nash.

Yeah. Put your heads together, officers. What would cause a domesticated chimpanzee to go ape shit on the human beings who housed him? Did you catch that one? Ape shit? THEY NAMED A FUCKING TERM FOR GOING CRAZY AFTER THE THING THAT WENT THE FUCK CRAZY. MIGHT THAT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT? I FUCKING HAD LYME DISEASE, I DIDN’T START KILLING PEOPLE. I HAD COMPLETE CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS.

Still do.

See? I’m calm now.

But seriously, get a fucking clue.

Oh, and you know what else could’ve done it?

Conklin said the chimp had been acting “rambunctious” earlier, prompting Herold to put Xanax in a cup of tea for him to drink. He did not know if the animal had been prescribed the medicine or if Herold had ever given her pet such a mixture before.

“I have a great idea! The monkey be acting funky! Maybe if I medicate the fucking thing, it’ll cheer up. But what to give it? Oh, I know! The one with potential side effects such as ‘decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger (increased risk taking behavior), rage, hostility’ and ‘aggression.’ That should clear things right up.”

Conklin added that his department is not used to dealing with cases such as this,

How utterly podunk. You mean to tell me Leona Helmsley’s pet monkey Orson the Sinister never made heads roll in and around Fairfield County? You must be jesting.

and they were trying to familiarize themselves with laws and regulations before deciding if charges will be filed.

I would guess not, on account of the defendant being a.) dead and b.) a chimpanzee.

God…

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