MLB Preview: 30 Teams In 510 Words

Now that spring training is officially under way, it’s just a matter of time before the baseball season resumes. As always, the season should be a crazy mess filled with drama on and off the field. Titles will be won, players will be suspended, charges will be pressed, A-Rod will do something wacky, it’s like clockwork.

In fact, many of the most surprising and confusing elements of the year in baseball tend to come during the offseason, as teams scramble to improve themselves or, in the case of certain owners, try to become as liquid as possible to become more attractive to potential buyers once it is learned that your ex-wife will be taking you to the cleaners.

It’s often that many of the important developments of the offseason are actually lost in the chaos that surrounds the business of baseball during these months, and fans turn on the TV in March or April to see strange new faces donning the apparel of the team to which they’re most partial to.

For those folks, there are season preview magazines out there that do a pretty good job of catching you up on what transpired while football games were being played. I’ve also noticed that ESPN seems to like to do this “30 Teams in 30 Days” gimmick where they cover a fresh camp each day and report from it. And yeah, that’s great. But for me, it’s a little too time consuming, not to mention how hit-and-miss ESPN’s baseball analysts can be.

So, as a public service, what I’ve decided to do is boil each team’s offseason down into just a few words and post ’em right here on the blog. I’m so goddamn kind sometimes.

But I’m still a writer at heart, so I needed to come up with a way of consolidating all of this information into small, easy-to-digest chunks. So I gave it a few seconds of thought and decided I’d go the complete hack route and write a single haiku for each team detailing its key offseason machinations. (The lazy, oversimplified 5-7-5 version, natch.) Told you I think like a writer!

So without further ado, I present, after the jump, the preeminent 2009 Major League Baseball Haiku Catch-Me-Up, 30 Teams In 510 Words:

BOSTON RED SOX:
Signed a bunch of arms,
Missed out on Georgia Tech stud,
Tek crawled back instead.

TAMPA BAY RAYS:
Lost in World Series,
Snaked Phillie whose clutch double
put nail in coffin.

NEW YORK YANKEES:
Got Tex over Sox,
Broke the bank for two pitchers,
What’s this about roids?

BALTIMORE ORIOLES:
Improved team this year:
Wiggy, Koji, Pie, Hill,
Damn this division!

TORONTO BLUE JAYS:
Same team as last year,
Halladay and some others,
but without Burnett.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX:
Not much of note here,
Vazquez and Junior both walked,
Enter Bartolo.

MINNESOTA TWINS:
Will win 80 games
since games aren’t played on paper,
Can’t figure this out.

CLEVELAND INDIANS:
Winter raid of Cubs
brought back DeRosa and Wood,
I guess it could work.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS:
What’s the common thread?
Farnsworth, Jacobs and Coco
Answer: A bad team.

DETROIT TIGERS:
Weakness was pitching,
Went out and made big changes,
Just kidding. Still sucks.

LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM:
K-Rod to New York,
Replaced with Brian Fuentes,
Abreu in left.

TEXAS RANGERS:
Biggest change may be
switch to closer who throws chairs
at women in stands.

OAKLAND ATHLETICS:
Could not hit last year,
Holliday and Giambi
should solve that problem.

SEATTLE MARINERS:
The Kid has come home
to spell Raul Ibanez,
hope he can keep up.

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES:
World Fucking Champions
Will defend without Burrell,
Cole Hamels made this line five syllables.

NEW YORK METS:
Signed K-Rod, got Putz,
Will have to find new excuse
when they choke again.

FLORIDA MARLINS:
This may surprise you,
but no big signings to help
Hanley Ramirez.

ATLANTA BRAVES:
Could be a sleeper,
with improved starting pitching,
But Lowe, Vaz don’t hit.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS:
Adam Dunn will help,
but John Lannan as staff ace?
That’s not going to.

CHICAGO CUBS:
No more Kerry Wood
means Marmol is the closer,
Little else changed.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS:
We go to the ninth:
“Rolling thunder, pouring rain”
Eric Gagne sucks.

HOUSTON ASTROS:
Mike Hampton is home.
His home being the DL,
His ticker’s all fucked.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS:
Chilled out for winter,
Did make trade for Khalil Greene,
Get your tickets now!

CINCINNATI REDS:
Willy Taveras.
This is how you replace Dunn?
Willy Taveras?

PITTSBURGH PIRATES:
Locked up young players
McLouth, Doumit, Maholm,
Maybe it’s a start.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS:
Stop with the dick dance.
Just give Manny his millions.
Without him, you suck.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS:
Orlando Hudson
bolts to division rival,
Thanks for the draft pick.

COLORADO ROCKIES:
Traded Holliday
Got back Street, Smith, Gonzalez
See “Moneyball 2”.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS:
Would not sign Manny
Had to spend money wisely
on Renteria.

SAN DIEGO PADRES:
Owner’s wife left him,
Must have wanted half the wins,
Sucks to be Peavy.

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3 responses to “MLB Preview: 30 Teams In 510 Words

  • betterballplayer

    any take other than ESPN’s take is good by me

  • therightstuff

    Great story… cuts through the bull.

  • messiahoflibel

    I wanted to take this opportunity to point out that the preview part is actually much less than 510 words, but a.) I’m an idiot who managed to confuse the number of syllables in each haiku with the number of words and b.) “30 Teams in 510 Words” probably has a better ring to it than “30 Teams in 510 Syllables” anyway.

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