By Law, We Are Required To Have A March Madness-Related Post

FINAL UPDATE: Obama wins.

3/21/09, MIDNIGHT UPDATE: I’m writing this at about midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning, just moments after I finished watching one of my Final Four teams, Wake Forest, not only lose but get absolutely embarrassed by #13 Cleveland State. With all due respect to Cleveland State… how the fuck does that happen? Now, I’ll say this. I wasn’t crazy about the Wake Forest pick when I made it. I was, shall we say, aided (hindered, really) by some statistical analysis. But the bottom line is that, as absurd as “the eyeball test” may sound, the hindsight of knowing how mediocre the Demon Deacons were down the stretch should’ve kept me from being stupid enough to pick them as a Final Four team. I still think Louisville is being overrated, but it looks like it’s their bracket. Kansas is probably the only threat left for them. I have no faith in Michigan State.

And speaking of teams I have no faith in… I’ve decided that next year in my brackets, I’m going to try to boycott any school with either decidedly Mormon ties, or that is simply located in Utah. (These two tend to go hand-in-hand anyway.) This is the second year in a row that I’ve been royally fucked by BYU, with Utah and Utah State both joining the ’09 party, as well. I’ve had enough of this. You can bet your ass that regardless of anything that happens in or around June, the Utah Jazz will not receive consideration from this end as the NBA Champion. Fuck Utah.

And what an abortion Clemson turned out to be, too. This one’s gotta be on me. I had them going, as I recall, to the Sweet Sixteen a year ago and they choked. Still, I somehow talked myself into them this year. Once again, the numbers suggested they might have a run in them. Never mind the fact that they still can’t make a free throw that might as well have screamed at me ***PERHAPS THEY WON’T BE TRUSTWORTHY***. I figured, hey, let’s give ’em another shot, maybe they got the choking out of their systems last year. Then they lost to a team that probably should’ve been in the NIT. (Though, to be fair, they did manage to beat Duke — an ACC team that’s better than Clemson — twice this year. Ah, more hindsight.) I think I’m going to add another rule for next year, and that’ll be to just knock Clemson out of the dance in the first round and save myself the trouble.

So, to conclude, my strategy for next year, based impulsively on the first two days of the NCAA Tournament, goes like this:

1.) Boycott Utah.
2.) Boycott any school with notable ties to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
3.) Do not, under any circumstances, believe in Clemson.*

Hey, works for me, particularly since I this year felt obligated to abandon my traditional rules of picking against Syracuse and Duke in the early rounds.

Hey, at least Siena and Wisconsin ended up winning in OT. I have to cling to as many points I can get at this point.

Enjoy the second round!

* Fuck Wake Forest.

3/21/09, 12:39 AM UPDATE: MARCH MADNESS — MESSIAH vs. ALLEGED ANTICHRIST SCOREBOARD [END OF ROUND ONE]:
I: 22
(Total Possible Points: 156)

Barack Hussein Obama: 19
(Total Possible Points: 175)

ORIGINAL POST:
I’m at work right now (not for long, mind you), so my thoughts will be, let’s call it abrupt. A newspaper is no place for long sentences or thoughtful insight, after all.

North Carolina wins it all. They beat Missouri in the finals. North Dakota State will knock off Kansas and could conceivably go on quite a run if they do, in fact, get past the defending champs. VCU ain’t beating UCLA. All of four double-digit seeds will make it to the second round, and none are likely to survive past there (ND State notwithstanding). Duke sucks.

For further insight (hey, I won all my pools last year thanks to my Davidson love AND gutless choice of all four #1 seeds to the Final Four… bask in my credibility!), have a look at this here thing that I stole off of Facebook:

fbbracket

Obviously, my immediate goal will be to defeat Barack Obama, a slightly loftier goal than last year’s (achieved) goal of soundly thrashing my mom’s arbitrarily-picked bracket. (St. Joe’s, WVU, Villanova and Cornell in the Final Four? Get real, ma! Don’t you know what those numbers mean?!) Fine pick for the national champs, though, Mr. President.

Hopefully there’ll be some moments worth grabbing from YouTube throughout the tournament that I can post in here, as well.

Back to work for now.

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