UPDATE: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (Also, big ups to Jason Nark for his tireless work on this beat.)
I happened upon a link to this story while performing one of my daily “pubic hair” fetish searches on Google at work the other day. After I read the fantastically cringeworthy headline and couldn’t really glean the premise of the article, I started to read the actual article and was quickly able to ascertain that:
N.J. salon owners to state: Mind your own “B” wax
The painful Brazilian wax and its intimate derivatives are in danger of being stripped from salon and spa menus if a recent proposal to ban genital waxing is passed by the state’s Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling.
Needless to say, I was outraged.
Look, I hate to get political on this blog, but let’s face it. A lot of people (okay, mostly in New Jersey) view the Garden State’s government as one of the most corrupt, and/or out-of-touch groups of politicos in the entire nation. To me, this is yet another example.
How many of those fatcats and bureaucrats up in Trenton do you think really know what a Brazilian wax is? Am I really supposed to have faith in the idea that Government Representative Anthony T. Monaco is gravely concerned about the inherent dangers of the Brazilian wax? I don’t know, it seems pretty far-fetched.
What seems more likely, given the precedent that has been set, is that one or more parties involved in the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is the patsy of some sort of radical Christian pro-pubic hair lobbyist group that doesn’t believe in a woman’s fundamental right to choose the most attractive look for her vagina.
To me this proposal is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn’t about yelling, and this isn’t about politics. This is about the human body, and if that sounds corny, so be it.
Apparently I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Cherry Hill salon owner Linda Orsuto said that women would “go ballistic” if the proposal passed. She said that some women would resort to waxing themselves, visiting unlicensed salons or traveling to other states, including Pennsylvania, in a quest to remain bare down there.
I ask you this: Is it really in the best interest of our state to willingly create a scenario where we potentially endanger young women (no offense, all you Blanche Devereaux types out there) by sending them to underground facilities to have Brazilian waxes performed or, worse yet, performing their own Brazilian waxes?
And if that’s enough, think of the income that will be lost if our women have to cross state lines to have their Brazilian waxes performed! I fail to understand how it makes any sense to send these jobs to another state while costing our own state’s businesses much-needed income in unspeakably poor economic times.
New Jersey statutes allow waxing of the face, neck, arms, legs and abdomen, but officials say that genital waxing has always been illegal, although not spelled out.
Regardless, almost every salon in South Jersey, from Atlantic City casinos to suburban strip malls, has been breaking the law for years by ridding women, and some men, of their pubic hair for $50 to $60 a session.
Hey, I’ve got a compromise! I’m sure the New Jersey Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling hasn’t even considered this, but hear me out. How about in exchange for legalizing genital waxing, the state imposes a tax? Oh, look at me thinking outside…. doing some critical thinking.
Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey’s Division of Consumer Affairs, said that the proposal would specifically ban genital waxing, and was prompted by complaints to the board from two women who were injured and hospitalized. One of them sued.
So, two in how many? You know what? I’m going to look up the Pick 3 odds. I’ll bet there’s a better chance of winning the daily lotto than there is in suffering devastating injuries from waxing.
And apparently it’s 1:1000 to hit it straight. So yes, in all probability you have a better chance of winning the lottery than you do of being seriously injured by a Brazilian wax. This is not to mention some of the other playing options with even better odds.
Dr. Eric Bernstein, a Philadelphia dermatologist, said that genital waxing could irritate or tear the skin and result in infections.
“But you can get an infection from almost anything,” he added.
Martino Cartier, owner of Martino Giovanni & Pileggi, in Washington Township, Gloucester County, claims that the state previously was more concerned with salons’ using the word “Brazilian” – connoting a full genital wax – than with the waxing itself.
At Cartier’s spa, Brazilian waxes are known as “summer waxes” and they go by “custom bikini” or “full bikini” in other salons.
This is pretty retarded, but if the state’s hangup is primarily on the use of the word Brazilian, I’d be more than happy to let them outlaw the word just so friends of mine training MMA would have to brag of their exploits in “full bikini jiu-jitsu.”
Semantics aside, Cartier said, the full genital waxings are popular, and his licensed aestheticians do dozens per week in the spring and summer.
“This is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard,” he said. “We’re all going to be losing a lot of money over this.”
Clearly Cartier hasn’t heard of the state’s plan to outlaw bacon on intermittent Tuesdays as a way of promoting alternative energy methods such as lightning bolts and seagull tears.
One Camden County salon owner who asked not to be identified said that she offers the service but didn’t know it was illegal.
“If it’s illegal, then why do they teach it in schools?” she asked.
Well, that’s an easy one. So they can fine you!
At least one salon owner in South Jersey didn’t offer the forbidden Brazilian wax.
“We used to do them until I found out it was against the law,” said Gino Giumarello, owner of In the Village, a salon and spa in Mullica Hill, Gloucester County. “I abide by the law, and I suffer for it.”
Hey, easy there buddy. If you want to know true suffering, you ask the one girl in the state who complained about a botched Brazilian wax what that’s like. She’ll tell you.
Finally, a little background:
The Brazilian wax was born of necessity shortly after the infamous thong bikini emerged on the beaches of Brazil, said Monmouth County salon owner Valentina Chistova, who has blogged about the procedure.
“I really don’t know if the state can stop it at this point,” she said. “I know a lot of women who are hooked.”
The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling must be stopped before they take away a woman’s right to personal genital furnishing choice and the man’s right to admire the lovely orange bottoms of our Jersey girls at the beaches this summer.
Please, I implore you, New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling, to keep your laws off of our bodies.