Megan Fox Likes Girls Who Like Girls

meganfox

Transformers eye candy Megan Fox, who months ago slayed me with the best performance of her career on the red carpet at the Golden Globes when she declared herself “a man”, is at it again. This time she’s bisexual, a positively unique admission that sets her apart from every other 22-year-old female on, for example, college campuses across the country.

But while the headline reads “Megan Fox: I am bisexual”, it is her list of demands, so to speak, that is the real story here.

We’ll get to that, but first let’s get a little bit of our Freud on:

She told Esquire: “I think people are born bisexual and they make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society.

Yes! I’ve been saying the same thing for years! Except when there’s, you know, a cock in my mouth.

(Hey, fuck off, judgmental society.)

“I have no question in my mind about being bisexual.

“But I’m also a hypocrite.

Biopinionated.

Please do explain.

“I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

“If it weren’t for my horse,” added Fox, “I’d have never spent that year in college.”

Seriously, though. This is the story. It’s not that Megan Fox says she’s bi. It’s that she’s out of her fucking mind, or at the very least doing an excellent job of messing with us.

Taking what she said at face value, though, what could be going through her head when she comes up with this? My thinking is that her brain subconsciously (there’s that word again) functions similarly to an if/then/else statement in Excel. In this situation, Ms. Fox encounters a fetching lass at an on-sale date for Lilith Fair (please bear with me) and strikes up a conversation wherein she begins probing her acquaintance with questions such as “Isn’t ‘Adia’ just the most moving song you’ve ever heard?” (the ice breaker), “So I hear you’re a lesbo?” (cutting to the chase), and “Yeah? You ever fuck any dudes?” (the deal breaker). Once recorded, Fox plugs these answers into the Excel spreadsheet of her mind like so:

=IF((A1=”lesbo”)+IF(B1=”dudeless”),”fuck”,”deny intercourse”)

It’s been a few years since I fell one class short of an IT minor, and even then “sloppy” was one of the more frequent ways my coding/formulas were described, but you get the idea. And if you don’t, well, let’s just pretend, okay? I didn’t even bother with the complexities of also including the malefolk in the equation. Don’t ever let anyone tell you I don’t have any decency.

Back on track, the next question that begs to be asked is, has anyone besides Brian Austin Green managed to crack this code?

Last year she revealed that she’d had a fling with a female stripper, adding: “I’m not a lesbian.

Nope. Bi. Totally different.

So, Megan, any projects coming up that you’d like to discuss?

“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — OLIVIA WILDE is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.

Fuck it, I need this girl to write an independent film or something like, yesterday.

But anyway, okay, great. Any final thoughts?

“And lately I’ve been obsessed with JENNA JAMESON, but… oh boy.”

Awesome. She’s done it again.

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