Let Us Prepare For Jose Canseco’s Doom By Viewing His Opponent In A Disarming Manner

In just a little over four hours from now, the DREAM MMA group in Japan will present DREAM 9, featuring the continuation of its featherweight grand prix tournament and, more notably stateside, the first round of its Super Hulk Tournament, an eight-man single-elimination freak show tournament featuring multiple 300+ pound fighters, a 7’2 kickboxer, and most importantly, for our purposes, disgraced MLB slugger Jose Canseco.

The first round draw will include fights between 320-pound Bob Sapp and 196-pound Ikuhisa Minowa, 286-pound Mark Hunt and 218 Gegard Mousasi, 353-pound Jan Nortje and 225-pound Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, and, the aforementioned 7’2 kickboxer, 330-pound Hong Man Choi and Canseco, who weighed in at 253.5 pounds.

Yes, despite his extremely limited experience in combat sports, and the experience he’s had has not been particularly encouraging — he fought to a majority draw with 5’6, 165-pound Danny Bonaduce in a celebrity boxing match and prior to that was KTFO’d by 5’9, 205 pound ex-Eagles kick returner Vai Sikahema — Canseco has decided to try his hand at mixed martial arts, and presumably figures the implementation of a ground attack will help him against a man who should, by all rights, murder him with his bare hands. (Actually, he’s publicly backed away from this claim and is just hoping to catch Choi and knock him out, which is probably a far dumber idea.)

And while the predominant thinking would almost have to be “what the fuck is going through this guy’s mind?” (the likely answer is “I need the money”), there are two other distinct possibilities. First, Canseco may honestly believe that he can follow the path of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and kick off his mixed martial arts career with a win over Choi. Alternately, he may be under the impression that he’s fighting South Korea’s greatest entertainer:

Regardless, Canseco didn’t seem all that worried prior to the weigh-ins today, even going so far as to issue a grandstand challenge to Choi via Twitter (we’re just going to assume this is a legit account and not someone with the desire to impersonate Jose Canseco in 2009) while the 1988 AL MVP was chomping on sushi over the weekend:

I’ve arrived in Japan. Where’s the sushi??1:49 PM May 24th from web

Sushi is great. Where’s Choi??6:50 PM May 24th from web

Bring me Hong Man Choi. I’m at Ginza Hokake tonight until 11:00pm. Why wait until Tuesday let’s get it on.9:49 PM May 24th from web

The only thing more awesome than the actual image of these two fighting in a ring later tonight/this morning is the thought of a livid Choi lumbering into the dining room of a Japanese restaurant, finding Canseco, Canseco calmly rising from his seat, placing his chopsticks on the table and excusing himself to the parking lot, where the two throw down Rocky V style.

And you know, it wouldn’t even be that much more ridiculous than what we have in store in a few hours.

Greetings SOSHers: What Are Your Hopes, What Are Your Dreams?

I notice we’re getting quite a bit of traffic today from Sons of Sam Horn and, since I’m both unable to access the thread and the traffic all seems to be coming in for the Norm posts/debate threads, I’m going to guess it’s of the Pinsetting and Gutterballs variety.

Anyway, I wanted to acknowledge this because a.) I’m a huge Sox fan and I lurk there all the time, in particular the game threads b.) We haven’t had any posts in quite a while except for Vasgersian making a fool of himself, c.) this will presumably help push some of my baseball articles off the front page, which probably isn’t a bad thing, and d.) everyone loves a vanity post.

In summation: Go Sox!

Newspapers One Step Ahead Of The Internet, Because You Can’t Eat The Internet

Say what you will about the lumbering dinosaur of an industry in which I currently work, but nobody can accuse them of not thinking outside the box. Who else would’ve come up with something as needlessly idiosyncratic AP Style? Who else would’ve thought to lay off entire workforces for weeks at a time to save on the bills? Who else would’ve thought to give their content away for free and then expect people to still pay for that content at a later time? Who else would’ve thought, in a time when ad revenue was in steep decline due to the simultaneous deaths of the industry and the U.S. economy, to start selling edible ad space?

Imagine opening a Sunday newspaper and amongst the coupons is an advertisement for a new sports drink imploring you to lick it for a sample. Sound like an early April Fools’ Day joke? Well, it isn’t. In fact the marketing folks at newspaper ink giant U.S. Ink Corp. think it is one of the few things that can save the newspaper industry from oblivion.

Other ideas: A 10,000 percent price increase, or asking people nicely to stop using the internet to get their news and opinion pieces.

New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling: Worse Than Hitler?

UPDATE: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (Also, big ups to Jason Nark for his tireless work on this beat.)

I happened upon a link to this story while performing one of my daily “pubic hair” fetish searches on Google at work the other day. After I read the fantastically cringeworthy headline and couldn’t really glean the premise of the article, I started to read the actual article and was quickly able to ascertain that:

N.J. salon owners to state: Mind your own “B” wax

actually meant

The painful Brazilian wax and its intimate derivatives are in danger of being stripped from salon and spa menus if a recent proposal to ban genital waxing is passed by the state’s Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling.

Needless to say, I was outraged.

Look, I hate to get political on this blog, but let’s face it. A lot of people (okay, mostly in New Jersey) view the Garden State’s government as one of the most corrupt, and/or out-of-touch groups of politicos in the entire nation. To me, this is yet another example.

How many of those fatcats and bureaucrats up in Trenton do you think really know what a Brazilian wax is? Am I really supposed to have faith in the idea that Government Representative Anthony T. Monaco is gravely concerned about the inherent dangers of the Brazilian wax? I don’t know, it seems pretty far-fetched.

What seems more likely, given the precedent that has been set, is that one or more parties involved in the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is the patsy of some sort of radical Christian pro-pubic hair lobbyist group that doesn’t believe in a woman’s fundamental right to choose the most attractive look for her vagina.

To me this proposal is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn’t about yelling, and this isn’t about politics. This is about the human body, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

Apparently I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Gainesville Police Prove Unfathomably Bad At “Where’s Waldo?”

Today’s great moment in police buffoonery comes to use from lovely Gainesville, Florida.

Police are looking into details surrounding the death of a Gainesville engineer, whose body was discovered just this week in his car although the vehicle had been ticketed seven times since the man was last seen alive.

Officers want to know how John Waldo, 42, got from Calico Jack’s Oyster Bar on SW 2nd Avenue and ended up dead in the backseat of his 2001 silver BMW 330i in College Park.

Waldo was last seen alive at the business on Feb. 11.

There could be a million explanations for this. My favorite, though, is the one where he returned to his car and died there. As opposed to, say, being dragged through the streets in broad daylight, possibly while ticket #4 was being penned. Oh, look at me being all Occam’s razor-like. I’m sorry.

“We know that he was out by himself but then he ended up with a couple of people when he left CJs,” Halvosa said. “We don’t know if he drove or if someone else drove him there,” he said about Waldo’s car being found in the 1900 block of NW 2nd Avenue.

Waldo was found seated face-forward on the passenger side of the backseat. He was fully clothed and had the car’s ignition key. A loaded pistol was discovered in the trunk of the car.

Boy, for his sake, I hope it was registered legally.

City records show a ticket officer issued seven tickets to Waldo’s BMW. The first ticket was issued on Feb. 12. Police have speculated that illegally dark window tint may have prevented ticket officers from noticing someone was slumped over in the car.

Tinted windows. This man clearly had no respect for our constitution! Dare I say it? This was a deserved death. And that handgun registration isn’t looking too likely now, either. Obviously the officer was taking it easy on poor Waldo.

Great job, guys.

Al Sharpton Weighs In On Chimpanzeegate, LAPD Responds

So, since I made my initial post about the Stamford chimpanzee mauling incident (mediocre band name), the wildly amusing original story has taken on a life of its own thanks to what you might call a questionable editorial decision by the folks at the New York Post to run a cartoon depicting cops shooting said chimpanzee while making a remark about the recently passed stimulus plan.

As you may have guessed (and heard, by now), this just added more dimensions to an already ridiculous story. Sure, we already had people coming out saying the chimp had done a number on them previously, and the widespread debate over whether Lyme disease or Xanax may have had an effect on the chimp going ape shit. But it wouldn’t be a truly epic shitstorm unless race baiting was somehow involved.

Because that’s where Rev. Al Sharpton comes in. Naturally, The Daily News was all over the protest:

Sharpton spoke before scores of angry protesters outside the beleaguered tabloid’s midtown headquarters.

“Shut down the Post! Shut down the Post!” the racially-mixed crowd of more than 200 shouted at a noon rally.

For the sake of their editorial staff, I hope those aren’t the same 200 that still actually subscribe to the print edition.

Anyway, back on point:

“I guess they thought we were chimpanzees,” Sharpton said. “They will find out we are lions.”

Lions, you say?

Associated Press
Posted: 02/17/2009 04:57:25 PM PST

SANTA PAULA — Police have shot and killed a mountain lion in a Santa Paula neighborhood, and they believe five more could be in the area.

…

Police say the lion advanced toward a resident and officers were forced to shoot it.

They’ll have to find someone else to fulfill the next Sharpton analogy.

MLB To Introduce Its Version Of College Football Overtime On International Stage

It was reported yesterday by the Associated Press that Major League Baseball will implement a “ridiculed international rule” in the 2009 World Baseball Classic where teams that remain tied after 12 innings will begin every inning thereafter with multiple baserunners.

And I ask, fuck the heck are they thinking?

I mean, what is the purpose? How is giving both teams runners at first and second base to begin an inning logical in any sense? Is it supposed to make the games end quicker? Is it just there to augment low-scoring games when they get late? Is it just a rule there to help the bunt-happy Japanese actually apply their craft practically in a crucial game situation?

San Francisco 49ers Hire One Hit Wonder To Run Offense

According to NFL.com’s Adam Schefter, the San Francisco 49ers have concluded their exhaustive search for a downgrade at offensive coordinator — someone whose sole responsibility will be to suggest the direction in which star running back Frank Gore should run the ball.

So who will replace former OC Mike Martz, architect of the legendary “Greatest Show on Turf” Rams offense of the late 90s and the earlier part of this decade?

You guessed it!

“Notorious” Police Blotter: Greensboro Suspect Unable To Find Ladies Who Should Be Having His Baby, Baby

The biopic of the Notorious B.I.G., “Notorious,” was released over the weekend to mixed reviews. The much-anticipated film, executive produced by whatever the hell Sean Combs is presently calling himself, was the latest way for Puffy to exploit his supposed buddy’s death for additional fame and profit took in an impressive $21.5 million, good enough to put it in 4th place in the weekend box office. (And just a shade behind the weekend’s #2 and #3 films, Gran Torino and My Bloody Valentine 3D, which pulled $22.2 and $21.9 million, respectively. I choose not to acknowledge this weekend’s big winner.)

But more importantly, it kept local police forces on their toes.

The most noteworthy account I’ve been able to find comes from the Greensboro News & Record:

A 32-year-old man was shot twice in the abdomen during an argument and an estimated 700 people were evacuated when gunfire broke out at a Greensboro movie theater Friday night.

The sound of a gunshot echoed throughout the lobby of the Grand 18 at Four Seasons Station just after 9 p.m. as moviegoers waited to get into opening night showings of “Notorious” – the life and death story of the rapper Notorious B.I.G.

Viral marketing at its most excellent. Mind you, it was the reasonable thinking of Biggie that kept Puffy from shootin’ up the place in “Big Poppa” in the greatest bit of dialogue in recorded history wherein he implores Puffy to play it cool when it comes to the whole firearm thing.

“Why?” Diddy wonders aloud. And it’s an excellent question. What reasonable answer could there possibly be for someone with a weapon in his possession to not want to show it off by, ya know, firing it in a crowded public place?

But the wise Biggie is all like, “Chill out Sean, I must plant my seed in one or more of these bitches first.” Voila! Crisis averted.

List Of Things Eddy Curry Is Unwilling To Put In His Mouth Shrinks Yet Again

In a troubling revelation that surely has nothing to do with his falling out of favor with the New York Knicks, it was reported in the tabloids yesterday that Eddy Curry has been slapped with a sexual harassment suit. By a dude.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky “in the nude,” allegedly telling him, “Look at me, Dave, look” and “Come and touch it, Dave.”

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform “humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them,” the Manhattan federal court suit says.

Because simply identifying one’s self as Eddy Curry’s chauffeur is not embarrassment enough.