Category Archives: Entertainment

Let Us Prepare For Jose Canseco’s Doom By Viewing His Opponent In A Disarming Manner

In just a little over four hours from now, the DREAM MMA group in Japan will present DREAM 9, featuring the continuation of its featherweight grand prix tournament and, more notably stateside, the first round of its Super Hulk Tournament, an eight-man single-elimination freak show tournament featuring multiple 300+ pound fighters, a 7’2 kickboxer, and most importantly, for our purposes, disgraced MLB slugger Jose Canseco.

The first round draw will include fights between 320-pound Bob Sapp and 196-pound Ikuhisa Minowa, 286-pound Mark Hunt and 218 Gegard Mousasi, 353-pound Jan Nortje and 225-pound Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, and, the aforementioned 7’2 kickboxer, 330-pound Hong Man Choi and Canseco, who weighed in at 253.5 pounds.

Yes, despite his extremely limited experience in combat sports, and the experience he’s had has not been particularly encouraging — he fought to a majority draw with 5’6, 165-pound Danny Bonaduce in a celebrity boxing match and prior to that was KTFO’d by 5’9, 205 pound ex-Eagles kick returner Vai Sikahema — Canseco has decided to try his hand at mixed martial arts, and presumably figures the implementation of a ground attack will help him against a man who should, by all rights, murder him with his bare hands. (Actually, he’s publicly backed away from this claim and is just hoping to catch Choi and knock him out, which is probably a far dumber idea.)

And while the predominant thinking would almost have to be “what the fuck is going through this guy’s mind?” (the likely answer is “I need the money”), there are two other distinct possibilities. First, Canseco may honestly believe that he can follow the path of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and kick off his mixed martial arts career with a win over Choi. Alternately, he may be under the impression that he’s fighting South Korea’s greatest entertainer:

Regardless, Canseco didn’t seem all that worried prior to the weigh-ins today, even going so far as to issue a grandstand challenge to Choi via Twitter (we’re just going to assume this is a legit account and not someone with the desire to impersonate Jose Canseco in 2009) while the 1988 AL MVP was chomping on sushi over the weekend:

I’ve arrived in Japan. Where’s the sushi??1:49 PM May 24th from web

Sushi is great. Where’s Choi??6:50 PM May 24th from web

Bring me Hong Man Choi. I’m at Ginza Hokake tonight until 11:00pm. Why wait until Tuesday let’s get it on.9:49 PM May 24th from web

The only thing more awesome than the actual image of these two fighting in a ring later tonight/this morning is the thought of a livid Choi lumbering into the dining room of a Japanese restaurant, finding Canseco, Canseco calmly rising from his seat, placing his chopsticks on the table and excusing himself to the parking lot, where the two throw down Rocky V style.

And you know, it wouldn’t even be that much more ridiculous than what we have in store in a few hours.


It Seems To Paris Hilton That She’s Lived Her Life Like A Candle In The Wind

paris

…except for the whole sex tape thing.

The Sun has an article up reviewing Paris Hilton’s latest bit of nonfiction cinema, “Paris, Not France”, which apparently ran at the Cannes Film Festival over the weekend.

Seemingly, what the British press took away from this moving account was Paris’s statement that, if not for the whole fucking on tape thing, she could’ve been the next Princess Diana.

In the article, the Brits used their subtle ways to express derision.

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Megan Fox Likes Girls Who Like Girls

meganfox

Transformers eye candy Megan Fox, who months ago slayed me with the best performance of her career on the red carpet at the Golden Globes when she declared herself “a man”, is at it again. This time she’s bisexual, a positively unique admission that sets her apart from every other 22-year-old female on, for example, college campuses across the country.

But while the headline reads “Megan Fox: I am bisexual”, it is her list of demands, so to speak, that is the real story here.

We’ll get to that, but first let’s get a little bit of our Freud on:

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Guitar Hero Debuts New Ad Featuring Unlikeable Personalities, Bobby Knight

Somewhat appropriately, Rick Pitino remains primarily in the background while Bobby Knight, Coach K and Roy Williams all bust out varying degrees of awesome. I have to say, I particularly enjoyed the stunned expression on Roy’s face when Metallica had the nerve to interrupt them. Krzyzewski’s performance is pretty great, too.

I also wonder if the inherent irony of anyone from Metallica calling somebody else “Pops” in 2009 was deliberate. It almost has to be, doesn’t it?

More fine work from the people who also managed to make A-Rod and Kobe relatively likeable in their last set of ads.


What Happens When You Mix A Tripping Lindsay Lohan With Old Batman Scripts?

Fornarina!


Mild Mannered House Chimp Gets His Disgruntled Postman On

chimpgun

So the ABC affiliate in New York opened up its Eyewitness News broadcast tonight with quite the breaking news story. Was it about the stimulus plan? Possibly how Wall Street shat all over it? Nope. Was it about Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez talking about “amateur hour” steroid use that he and cousin Balki allegedly engaged in that led to his failed test in 2003? Nah. This was the story they led with (via CNN):

(CNN) — A Connecticut woman pleaded for police to “please hurry” to save a friend from an attack by a pet chimpanzee, according to emotional 911 recordings released Tuesday by Stamford police.

“He’s ripping her apart,” Sandra Herold, 70, tells dispatchers about her pet, Travis.

With the chimp squealing in the background, Herold cries out, “He’s killed my friend!”

Bummer.

Wait, what?

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The Office International Versions: What’s German for “Dear God My Eyes Are Burning?”

Some days, my mind vanishes in the depths of the productivity killing world of Wikipedia.  It’s amazing what you can find with just simple searching of .. OH SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!:

La Job” is the French-Canadian take on The Office, whose “Michael Scott” equivalent looks like a guy driving a rusted van offering the neighborhood children candy and a free ride.  Sure, things often get lost in translation, and lord knows I don’t know what makes Canadians laugh.  They made a crucial mistake in not casting Canada’s number 1 entertainment export:

Snidley Whiplash would’ve made a great Dwight!  And who better to replicate the organic and pure romance more true to form than Nell Fenwick and Horse.

Still, at least the Canadian’s got the age demographics rights.  Check out how the real French ran Le Bureau in Paris:

It’s hard to see the similarities in the David/Michael/Regional Manager character when Gilles Triquet looks more suited to be “Viktor” Bill Nighy:

Finally, who better to do the series justice than the Germans:

I don’t know how Stromberg did it.  Not only do they portray Jim as the strung out, sloppy mess that his character truly is, and flawlessly make Kelly Kapoor into a dude.  But somehow, by some grace of god himself, they were able to get Louis CK in a GERMAN SPEAKING ROLE! Ich gratuliere, Deutschland! Ich gratuliere!