Category Archives: Sports

As Promised, The Doom Of Jose Canseco


Let Us Prepare For Jose Canseco’s Doom By Viewing His Opponent In A Disarming Manner

In just a little over four hours from now, the DREAM MMA group in Japan will present DREAM 9, featuring the continuation of its featherweight grand prix tournament and, more notably stateside, the first round of its Super Hulk Tournament, an eight-man single-elimination freak show tournament featuring multiple 300+ pound fighters, a 7’2 kickboxer, and most importantly, for our purposes, disgraced MLB slugger Jose Canseco.

The first round draw will include fights between 320-pound Bob Sapp and 196-pound Ikuhisa Minowa, 286-pound Mark Hunt and 218 Gegard Mousasi, 353-pound Jan Nortje and 225-pound Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou, and, the aforementioned 7’2 kickboxer, 330-pound Hong Man Choi and Canseco, who weighed in at 253.5 pounds.

Yes, despite his extremely limited experience in combat sports, and the experience he’s had has not been particularly encouraging — he fought to a majority draw with 5’6, 165-pound Danny Bonaduce in a celebrity boxing match and prior to that was KTFO’d by 5’9, 205 pound ex-Eagles kick returner Vai Sikahema — Canseco has decided to try his hand at mixed martial arts, and presumably figures the implementation of a ground attack will help him against a man who should, by all rights, murder him with his bare hands. (Actually, he’s publicly backed away from this claim and is just hoping to catch Choi and knock him out, which is probably a far dumber idea.)

And while the predominant thinking would almost have to be “what the fuck is going through this guy’s mind?” (the likely answer is “I need the money”), there are two other distinct possibilities. First, Canseco may honestly believe that he can follow the path of UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and kick off his mixed martial arts career with a win over Choi. Alternately, he may be under the impression that he’s fighting South Korea’s greatest entertainer:

Regardless, Canseco didn’t seem all that worried prior to the weigh-ins today, even going so far as to issue a grandstand challenge to Choi via Twitter (we’re just going to assume this is a legit account and not someone with the desire to impersonate Jose Canseco in 2009) while the 1988 AL MVP was chomping on sushi over the weekend:

I’ve arrived in Japan. Where’s the sushi??1:49 PM May 24th from web

Sushi is great. Where’s Choi??6:50 PM May 24th from web

Bring me Hong Man Choi. I’m at Ginza Hokake tonight until 11:00pm. Why wait until Tuesday let’s get it on.9:49 PM May 24th from web

The only thing more awesome than the actual image of these two fighting in a ring later tonight/this morning is the thought of a livid Choi lumbering into the dining room of a Japanese restaurant, finding Canseco, Canseco calmly rising from his seat, placing his chopsticks on the table and excusing himself to the parking lot, where the two throw down Rocky V style.

And you know, it wouldn’t even be that much more ridiculous than what we have in store in a few hours.

Greetings SOSHers: What Are Your Hopes, What Are Your Dreams?

I notice we’re getting quite a bit of traffic today from Sons of Sam Horn and, since I’m both unable to access the thread and the traffic all seems to be coming in for the Norm posts/debate threads, I’m going to guess it’s of the Pinsetting and Gutterballs variety.

Anyway, I wanted to acknowledge this because a.) I’m a huge Sox fan and I lurk there all the time, in particular the game threads b.) We haven’t had any posts in quite a while except for Vasgersian making a fool of himself, c.) this will presumably help push some of my baseball articles off the front page, which probably isn’t a bad thing, and d.) everyone loves a vanity post.

In summation: Go Sox!

Matt Vasgersian Knows A Thing Or Two About Comedy

…which is probably more than you can say about him when it comes to football, if his fucking disgraceful performance calling the ’09 Fiesta Bowl was any indication.

In any event, here he is trying to lighten the mood while Rockies outfielder Brad Hawpe is being shoveled off the field after being hit in the head and/or neck with a throw.

Yeah, I’ll bet he thinks this swine flu thing is a real hoot, too. Jerk.

MLB Preview: Philadelphia Phillies and (For Now) Projected Standings

Well, I wanted to get all the previews up before tonight’s opening game, but at that point I hadn’t really anticipated having a pair of jammed fingers from playing basketball. I’m usually able to type pretty quickly, but then again, I’m usually able to type using my right middle finger and, should the situation require it, thumb.

That being said, I’m going to try to fire out the rest of these previews tonight, particularly since I also have another article to write tomorrow for my actual job, which, naturally, is also about baseball. Gloriously, there is no escape.

I had anticipated to once again let my East Coast Bias shine through in this post, since I’m more familiar with a few of these teams than, say, the San Diego Padres. Anyway, no promises now — we’ll see how the digits hold up.

So let’s dive into the Senior Circuit, starting with the WFCs.

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2009 MLB Preview: American League Central

We’ll continue the previews with the AL Central. It’d make sense for me to jump to the NL East from here, what with their games beginning on Sunday night with the Phillies hosting the Braves, but hey, whatever.

Like the last post, the teams will be previewed in order of their appearance in the year-end standings a year ago, with my official predictions coming at the end of the six preview sets.

This will probably not be as exhaustive as the AL East preview, on account of my not being quite as familiar with these teams.

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2009 MLB Preview: American League East

As Opening Day 2009 fast approaches — a little faster than I’d like considering what I’m trying to accomplish here, though I’m more than fine with it otherwise — I thought I’d take a more expansive look at the upcoming Major League Baseball season. For those who don’t care to read my exhaustive rambling, I produced an easy-to-digest version of this all-you-can-eat buffet of baseball-related banality right here.

With that out of the way, let’s not even pretend that I don’t contribute, however little, to the dreaded East Coast Bias.

Yep, it’s AL East time. Teams appear in order of last year’s finish.


The defending American League Champion Rays stunned just about everyone who follows baseball last year (with the possible exception of my friend Brian, who claims that in his sleep-deprived haze during last year’s A’s-Red Sox opener in Japan he had the foresight to tell me that the Rays would win the American League. I was too busy cursing Daisuke Matsuzaka’s constant nibbling and J.D. Drew’s wonky back to notice or care) when they made the leap from perennial punching bag/disgrace to a fairly great team that merely plays in an unspeakably disgraceful venue.

Whereas the question a year ago at this time in the eyes of the people who had given the Rays any respect was if they’d finally manage to win at least 82 games, the question today is can the Rays repeat as champions of the AL East and the American League? The best answer is, they can, but they’re going to need to catch quite a few breaks.

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